Being Out

Occasionally guys will write me and ask if they should tell their wives about their crossdressing. I always wince when I get these emails – not that I should even be giving advice – see Dan Savage in an earlier post. ;-) But what always makes me hesitate is that it’s pretty obvious that the wife is going to be really pissed off and hurt when she finds out – and rightly so. Even if she takes the news fairly well, which is doubtful, she’s going to feel betrayed and lied to just because such a big secret was withheld in the first place. (That’s assuming, of course, that the crossdressing was going on before marriage, which is usually the case, and that it was consciously kept secret going in.)

So to give advice anyway: Tell her before you get married. It just makes things a lot easier. And to the above guy I would have to say that the right thing to do is probably to tell her and deal with the mess that’s bound to occur. Even if it leads to divorce that’s probably better than carrying around that fear and dread of having a Big Secret.

I remember fifteen years ago when I was in the closet and I met an older guy who was very much out of the closet about his lifestyle. People at work knew and even though he didn’t dress all the time he had long hair and earrings in both ears. And I remember being blown away by his boldness and thinking, “I could never do that!” So what happens in fifteen years? I have long hair and earrings in both ears and run a tranny bondage website. Life’s funny.

I know that when I started doing the website probably part of my unconscious reason for it was just to force myself to be more out of the closet about my life. If I were to get involved with a “real” woman, there’s no way I could keep my lifestyle a secret. Hell, she would probably know all about it before the first date anyway, since when meeting new people we always ask, “So what do you do?”

And since I have a strong desire not to keep secrets, running a website that has a little bit of visibility is a good way to avoid keeping them. I know when I was younger I used to believe that no “real” woman would ever want to be with me because I’m a transvestite. And then the years passed and life happened and it became pretty obvious that this just wasn’t true. I’ve made a mess of things with girlfriends in the past about other things, but I’ve learned too that there certainly are some women out there who don’t have too much of a problem being with a tranny, and a very small number out there who actually kind of dig it. Sure, the vast majority are gonna go running and screaming from the room but that’s perfectly okay. You only need that one yes that you really click with.

So in this long rambling post I guess I’m saying that it’s probably better to be out of the closet about being a crossdresser or TG than not. And I don’t want to sound like I’m somehow better than someone who’s not out, since it’s all a matter of personal choice and no one is right or wrong in the matter. And some might also object and say, but Sandra (or Robert, as the case may be), you don’t have a regular job and a boss who could fire you or a wife who could divorce your ass. Which is true, and yes, everyone has to take their comfort level and circumstances into consideration. But I also think it’s probably better to just get out there and deal with the ugly consequences. Why would I want to keep a job where I’m not okay as I am, or stay married to someone who finds my sexuality unacceptable? What a thoroughly depressing and unempowering situation. Being truthful can definitely make things a lot tougher, though usually that’s in the short term. Eventually things work out and something new comes from the initial mess. If that’s a divorce or losing a job or friends or family members being pissed off and not speaking to you, well, that’s the price to be oneself.

And speaking again of Dan Savage, he’s talked before of this situation where a gay person comes out and they have family members who are upset and they become estranged. But then over time the family member comes to terms with the news and they accept it and become close again. Sometimes it takes years, but usually things work out in some fashion. Definitely in my own case with my Dad, my being open about my lifestyle has brought us much closer together. And when I opened up to him I was going out on a limb. My gut instinct would have said, “Are you fucking crazy? He doesn’t need to know!” But it was worth it and took more of that weight off my shoulders.

And then there are also the inevitable political gains from being out of the closet. Just like with gays and lesbians, someday there’ll be so many crossdressers and TGs out and visible that the “normal” world won’t be able to hate us as easily. I can’t imagine that crossdressing will ever be free of controversy – how could it be and would we really want it to be? But it’s inevitable that with the passage of time there will be more and more people who are visible and it’ll make a difference in how we’re perceived. If you know someone personally who’s “different” it makes that difference much less frightening and mysterious. And a lot harder to hate.

2 thoughts on “Being Out”

  1. Well there is a lot of food for thought in there especially with the last paragraph. Ever get the feeling that you are not supposed to be the one sitting around waiting for someone else to make the way clear? I’m speaking rhetorically here or mainly to myself. But if not me, who? So, while I’m still working on that big push out, I still feel there is a small voice in me pushing me to make more of a stand, and not just in going out, but in speaking out.
    So going back to the inital question. Should I come out to my spouse? Well, early on in my first marriage I did tell my newly wed wife of some of my fantasies, including the desire to be dressed up as a woman and then tied. It may have been the willingness of my ex to experiment or try different things, but she accepted that in me at the time. And we did play quite a bit. But of course for me it became more than just putting on her nylons and dresses and letting her tie me up for a few hours. I think most of us know that it isn’t just a casual relationship with this dressing thing. Some do just indulge once in awhile, but I think at base even those for whom this is a once and awhile thing, the desire is to push it more. Having opened the bottle up, it was hard for me to put it back when the novelty wore off for my wife. So over time her willingness to indulge me in my dressing waned until I was soon back to dressing by myself and except for a couple of risky ventures out to meet someone, practicing self bondage.
    Well there was of course much more to us than the dressing and bondage and that was too small a part of our life to pull a marriage apart. We had kids, careers, interest in our church activities. But still, there was this little thing hanging over us that ultimately kept us apart in one of the most important areas. ANd overall, I had to admit and I believe she had to admit that we loved each other, but we weren’t in love with each other. And I recall a drive to an event we were going to when the discussion turned to the nature of homosexuals and their life. Her position was that they could be cured, that what they did was a choice. Well yes, but I argued the point that they were born that way. That it wasn’t that easy. Well, her response was, it is a sickness and it can’t be cured. I felt that by implication she was also including my behavior. That if I really wanteed to, I could stop. At that point I knew getting her involved in what had become one of my boggest desires, to dress more and serve s her maid was not going to happen. But again, we had made vows and we had a life. So, I would maybe not quit, but I would keep it separate, well as much as I could from here.
    Then I met what is truly one of those rare women in the world. It was on-line, and in a chat room, but she was smart, funny, and not into the whole let’s have cyber sex thing. But she was into Crossdressers, in a major way. She hadn’t thought of bondage, had heard of it, but the idea intrigued her. Her own life had been one of failed marriage. The crossdressing was not a cause of the breakup in her first, but she had been made to feel that she was sick for wanting to dress her husband up. That marriage ended for other reasons and she soon found herself in another marriage that while not physically abusive was mentally abusive and she was ready to ditch her life here to move across the country to end it. ANd her goal was to live with another crossdresser. She admitted it wasn’t an ideal situation for her, but she knew she would have to compromise. Well, the dressing put us together, we talked, met, but curiously fell deeply in love outside of the “lifestyle” stuff.
    When the affair was discovered, and while I am not proud of the way it happpened, it had to happen, I was asked to name my choice and I made it. Instantly a weight came off of me. And I felt complete for the first time in my life. The divorce was quick and without much rancor. As my ex and I said to each other in a few late night discussions, it was only a matter of time. She has admitted to my new love that the dressing was a problem for her, but that overall, it wasn’t the cause, except in some way that hung over both of us. So here I am now, at last, in love with my soon to be wife, and living in acceptance of my lifestyle choices, not because it is her duty, but because she wants to. So where do I weigh in on this issue of telling? Well, I think it is important to tell, unless you can compromise who you are and live happily on the other things in your relationship that are important. But if you can’t, and in my own experience I would say witholding is unhealthy for yourself, tell and be prepared to lose a part of your life, but gain yourself. There are very few women like my fiance around, and I know I am blessed to have found her and met her. Truly the window was so small for this to happen. I believe that the blessing comes with responsibilty too. So yes, I believe in God, I believe He found a way to put us together, and I believe He is tasking us to push the envelope a little for the TG folks. But not pushing my beliefs on anyone. Yet.
    Anyway, my initial point was that there truly are very few women into the lifestyle as much as mine is. But there are some and I really think there are those to whom living with a CD while not as important to my fiance is still not only acceptablem=, but also a bit exciting.
    So apologies for the misspells and grammatical errors and the general rambling.
    Vicki

  2. Thanks so much for sharing your story, Vicki! Wow, it sounds like you are truly blessed and one of the luckiest crossdressers out there. And you met in a chatroom? That’s really amazing. I might have to try the chatrooms again after all ;-) I wish you all the best in your new marriage…xoxo, Sandra

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