It’s surprising to me that after dressing and going out for quite some time, I’ll still sometimes have those moments of doubt and even shame that go with crossdressing. It doesn’t happen often, maybe a few times a year, but every now and then that old stuff will pop up. I had a moment like that a couple days ago when I needed to let a non-kinky person know that I was a crossdresser, and suddenly I felt really insecure about sharing, which surprised me since I’m probably ninety percent out of the closet, with family and friends all knowing about my “lifestyle,” with varying degrees of comfort and understanding. I wasn’t too upset about my insecure moment, but I did have to sit for a moment and I thought, “Oh wow, I’m feeling how I used to feel back in my 20s and 30s.”
I’ve heard from a few CDs who claim that they never have any doubts anymore about dressing, and maybe they don’t, though I’m always a little skeptical (I mean, never?) Sometimes too, you’ll run into that “I-don’t-give-a-damn-what-you-think” attitude (usually with a stronger word than “damn”), which is one way to handle it but so often it just comes off as a chip on the shoulder. Obviously, what we do is still considered creepy and unacceptable by so many people that it’s just challenging to be confident about it all the time while living on this planet. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having doubts at times; it’s just how it is and I suspect I’ll have those doubts every now and then till I die. So yeah, I’ve been doing this more seriously for over thirteen years and still have my moments.
Still, I’m not complaining. I don’t want to sound smug but certainly the last five years or so have probably been the best years of my life, certainly way better than when I was younger. Anyone who’s read much of this blog (which I don’t update as much as I used to) knows that I’ve never been a real happy-go-lucky kind of person – some people amaze me how they’re always up and feeling good. Yeah, I’ve never been like that! Instead, I’ve always been a little gloomy, easily seeing the dark side of things and knowing that it could all slip away at any moment. But if I were to round things up to being “happy,” well, then these last few years have probably been the best – and saying that, I’ll probably worry about jinxing it! ;-) I certainly get to do a lot of fun things over the course of the year, going to parties and events and meeting a lot of people, which is great and very rewarding. But like so many people, I have my down times too, but I grind through them and continue on, like most of us do. Usually a good night’s sleep makes a big difference. And coffee, and an occasional glass of wine…
As I mentioned earlier, I just had a big birthday earlier this year too (I was a teenager in the 70s so you can do the math, or look me up on Fetlife) and before it occurred I was quite disappointed and feeling a bit hopeless at times, but now that it’s past it’s like, “Oh, okay, I’m still here and things are fine. What’s next?” So it hasn’t been that big a deal after all. I’m aware of aging but I hope to keep taking pictures for many more years, both as Sandra and also as a photographer, and I think I’ll know when to focus more on the second role. But I’ll always be dressing up and going out. I have a friend well into her 70s who’s still hitting the clubs and going out on dates, and although she’s old she still looks pretty good; she’s an inspiration and I only hope I can follow her example, barring any major unforeseens between now and then.
Being closeted – I don’t want to be too preachy but lately I’ve also heard from a few CDs online who are married and in the closet. I understand how tough it is to come out and live openly – I really do – but I also know that if you have the option at all, being out is way better. It can be so lonely and isolating to keep this stuff hidden, especially from your partner. I actually couldn’t conceive of living like that; I think it would just make me depressed and I’d finally let it slip out. Of course, I’m still single at the moment and don’t know if I’ll ever end up with a woman or other CD / trans girl, or heck, even a guy. It’s certainly possible, but I’m a bit difficult and have my “issues.” Being so out, though, it would have to be with someone who’s kinky or at least doesn’t have a problem with dressing. So who knows? I really look at someone like Grayson Perry, whom I blogged about below, as an amazing example of living openly. His courage and utter balls to do what he does is amazing. Of course, being successful and having some money probably doesn’t hurt…and being a crazy artist!
So, all in all, just some thoughts that have been on my mind the last few days, though I have no deep observations to sum everything up. Life has it’s challenges and also some really fun times. If you’ve read all the way down to here, thanks for indulging me. And if you’re supporting my website now or in the past, I sincerely thank you. Without your support it wouldn’t happen and I really wouldn’t have much going on. I wish everyone the best. Be brave.
All we can really do when all is said and done is live for today and worry about tomorrow — tomorrow.
Sandra you were and still are a gorgeous lady and would make any red blooded man proud to be with you.
This is a vivid piece of writing. I’m so “hidden” and afraid of society and my secrets. Sandra, you’re so much tougher than I. In fact, I think a lot of “us” look up to you, perhaps similarly as you admire Grayson Perry.
Thanks, Mr. K. and Pat, for the nice comments, and thanks so much, Emma, for your kind words. I really appreciate that. Sometimes when I write something that’s a little more honest about what’s really going on, I’ll wonder if I’m saying too much, so it’s reassuring to hear it struck a chord – thank you!
Oh Sandra I totally know what you mean and anyone who says differently isn’t really in touch with their inner self, why do you think I disappear and do not post for months at a time, But! for me it is compounded with another issue which when I tell you about the badges I will tell you ;) Plus I do not know how many times I just wanted to stop dressing (retire) as I am getting old Lol!!! But! all I do is take a look at one of your wonderful pics, or one of another lovely Tranny tied up and those feelings go away :) I am single so that makes it easier, but! living with my parents when I was in my 20s and 30s I had got busted a few times Lol!!! Dad wanted me out, mom really said nothing (explains the bondage mags & Mimic mags my dad had) so I never got kicked out of the house and I kept on doing what I loved when I ever I had the time :) My parents and Sister knew, but! nothing was ever said. I have never been married, but! to be honest and I found this out from 9/11 anyone who represses something they love will never totally be happy, you can only repress or opress for so long. Just my humble thoughts :)
Dont worry Sandra, enjoy your life and enjoy the things that you love! You are a wonderfull human beeing and also a sexy Lady and Bondagetoy! Will you marry me???
RM Frank
you get better with age!…Beautiful…and wise….and…THE BEST LEGS ON THE NET!!!
Thanks so much, Lou, Frank, and Babs for the nice comments! You brighten my day :-) Hope to make it to Germany one of these years, Frank, and will see you later this summer in Indy, Babs!
Just want to say thank you for sharing your feelings.Too most they are just words but to the individual who expresses them its as if a part of themselves has been exposed.,
After all its not our shoe size or the car we drive that defines who we are it is our …feelings…
I’m very glad to read that you have found that sweet spot in life right now. I have shared many of these thoughts, both the comfort of confidence, and doubt, no-doubt! Everyday I feel them both. I ran with it myself and pulled inward as well.
What must we do, but age gracefully, expand, contract…become.
-xxx’s
DK
Dear Sandra,
Thank you for your words, they are what many of us feel in his everyday life, not really knowing who he is and where the road leads him. On one side, the society and his education. On the other side, what makes him feel in harmony with himself… We havent’ ask to be what we are. All of us have done a choice, brave choice for those like you Sandra , because of the consequence on the rest of your life … You have thé right to doubt sometime, to be in the mood, to want to change your life… But, would you be happier than today …?
Bises
Paddy
Thanks so much for the nice comments, Allan, Paddy and Delilah! That vulnerability of sharing feelings does often make me pause but there’s been so much going on this year that I finally just had to put it out there. And thank you, Paddy, for your nice words about the consequences we all face…It is a crazy life with its ups and down, Delilah, my friend! I just hope the sweet spot lasts…More wine…and tasers!
I cannot wait ;) btw if you can get to Germany go!!! Lol!!! Have been and the people are great!!!
Whenever you have worried about being too open, out there, honest in your feeling writing in your blog, you get overwhelming support so maybe put that worry in a little box and hide it in your scarf drawer because I know you never go there. You’ll find the box every once in a while, curiously opening it, having, of course, forgotten what was in it, “Oh, THAT worry, haven’t had it in quite a while” and throw the box out with the trash (or burn it).
It is your ‘realness’ that we all respect in you, you are our heroine who gets herself into some really interesting situations which is what happens to heroines…………….
Hi Sandra,
Yours is a very interesting article. the points you make are very topical. Obviously I haven’tbeen dressing as long as you but I know even long time dessers get guilt pangs.
I belong to a cross dressing group in Toronto called Xpressions. We are mainly a social group and have a ‘Pub Nite” once a month which allows, or should I say encourages, the less confident to come out in “drab”. this works very well for most. it helped me gain confidence and get out more because people quietly pushed you without being too agressive. should you be interested in finding out more about us our web site is
Xpressions.org
Thanks, Volcane, for the nice comments; good to see you here again…And thanks, Pauline Estelle. That sounds like a good group and I always found it very helpful too to be able to go out and meet others like you describe when I first started out. It can be really scary taking those first steps…
Hi Sandra, it would be lovely if you ever made it to the UK one day,I’ve been an admirer of yours for years,ever since I first discovered your wonderful site.
I’m a closet Bi-CD,most of my friends & family wouldn’t understand about Rachel,or that i like bondage either,phew! lol!
I have to say though,you remain stunning,with those marvellous,gorgeous legs!
Well done you.
Regards
Rachel(when dressed), Rod (when not) x