All posts by Sandra

Weird Moments from Childhood

I have a few memories from childhood that when I look back make me think, “What was that all about?” They weren’t particularly traumatic or abusive events, but just odd things that made an impression. I’m aware too that talking about things that happened in childhood can maybe seem a bit weird or even creepy when they’re on a blog about bondage and dressing. Of course, I’m not making assumptions about anyone else’s formative childhood experiences or what they mean. These are just things that happened to me. And with my developing sexuality some of these incidents probably made more of an impression than they would have with someone who wasn’t already bitten by the bondage bug.

One memory occurred when I was probably nine years old. There was a girl in the neighborhood who was about thirteen. She was kind of tough, kind of a tomboy, and I don’t recall ever having had much contact with her before. In the backyard of our house (my family lived in upstate New York at this time, a couple years before moving to Colorado), there was an area with a lot of trees and a little path that was secluded. For some reason I was with this tomboy girl, and she asked me to pull out my dick and show it to her. I still vividly remember the moment, and I also remember feeling nervous and finally just saying something like, “No, I don’t want to.”

I could tell she was disappointed, but she didn’t pursue it beyond that. In a weird way I kind of felt bad for saying no to her. I mean, she was being direct and honest, and it didn’t feel abusive. She was probably just being curious and just wanted to see. But I was insecure and lacked confidence. Looking back fifty years later I kind of think I should have shown it to her, as wrong as that may sound, just for the experience. Of course, if she had made fun of me, it probably would have fed into my current humiliation fetish and maybe would have increased my appetite for dominant females. But it was certainly one of those moments that got burned into my memory and was all the more unusual because I had never spent much time with this girl before. I can’t even remember her name and I can’t remember if we ever spoke again, probably not. I would love to know though what she was really after, though I wonder if she would even remember the incident.

Another very weird memory from around this time (also in upstate New York) was when I was visiting at the house of a boy I went to school with, probably around the fourth grade. Again, this was a boy whom I didn’t know well, and I don’t even know why I was at his house that day. His parents were probably poor, and I recall their house wasn’t very well maintained. We played outside and then at one point we went inside, and the boy’s mother was there. She was kind of rough and loud. I picture her now as the kind of woman who would work as a gum-chewing waitress in a diner – not that there’s anything wrong with waiting tables or chewing gum!

At one point the boy and his mom started playfully bickering or fussing about something. And suddenly the boy’s mom said something like, “Oh, do you want me to tie you up?” And she grabbed him, wrestling and playing around. I seem to recall she grabbed a cloth or something and acted like she was going to cleave gag him with it. I couldn’t believe it and I was suddenly so excited and feeling so many emotions inside. It was just such as unexpected moment that totally took me by surprise. It was like, what kind of mother is this? Of course, what I really wanted was to be in on the action – if only I could have said, “Oh, you can tie me up too!” But I instinctively knew that that was not the thing to say! I don’t think she ever actually tied him up; I think they were just playing around. But again, it was a moment that was immediately burned into my memory banks. The thing I wonder is, was this an ongoing regular thing that she threatened him with? Did she ever really tie him up when no one was around? I mean, what was that all about? Looking back, I would bet good money if that boy were still alive that he grew up to be a big bondage fan too, probably with fantasies involving his own mom! Who knows? we might have had more in common than I knew and maybe I should have gone to his house more often!

On Twitter I wrote about the importance of setting the safety when using handcuffs. I had this teenage friend whose dad was a cop, and they had a couple pairs of handcuffs around the house. One afternoon my friend cuffed himself and then accidentally rolled over on the cuffs without setting the safety, causing them to cruelly tighten down on his wrists. I still remember the utter agony he was in while he frantically grabbed for the key and got them unlocked. I can’t remember now if they were locked in front or behind, and I can’t remember if he got himself out or if I did. I do wonder though if he did any lasting nerve damage to himself – he was truly suffering!

This same friend and I played around and tied each other up a few times, though I can’t remember who the driving force behind the action was – probably me but I’m not totally sure. I did once wrap him up tightly in a blanket and strap him up with several leather belts up and down his body and then duct taped his mouth shut. I think I might have left him that way for half an hour while we watched afternoon TV and I think he enjoyed it. Then it was my turn, which turned out to be a big disappointment. I was wrapped up and he was about to strap me up with the belts when the doorbell suddenly rang. Another friend from the neighborhood was there and I frantically got myself unwrapped from the blanket even though my friend said I should just lie there and continue on with the game. But with this third friend showing up I was suddenly so embarrassed, and it was like, I can’t possibly continue on and have him see what we’re doing! Again, a stupid reaction. I should have just gone along with it and acted like I couldn’t get out of the blanket and let them straps me up and gag me. Again, it probably would have played into my growing humiliation fetish and might have been fun! But once I got loose the moment was basically over.

There were some other tie-up games with another set of friends, and in that case, I certainly was the instigator, though we all seemed to get into it and enjoy it. And there were a couple other incidents, one during a sleepover in a tent, again with the handcuff kid and some other friends, where I thought bondage could have happened, but alas, nothing did. In that case I was again the instigator, and a perv, basically suggesting, Gee, what would happen if we got tied up in our sleeping bags? Gee, what indeed? There was some laughing and wrestling and I got pinned down on the ground briefly, but of course I wanted more!

Growing up, though, I was so unsure of myself and so insecure. I knew that bondage fascinated me, but I also felt it was deeply wrong, so everything was secret and underhanded. There are very few benefits to growing old, but one plus is the acceptance that age often brings – that acceptance that, hey, this is just the way I am. Thankfully I didn’t suffer any serious abuse growing up (though the bullying I experienced in school wasn’t fun), but there were these weird and confusing moments like what I describe here suffused with a taboo sexual energy. Though not in fashion anymore, the brilliance of Sigmund Freud is his acknowledgement of these hidden taboo impulses in children, disturbing as that is to consider. But the human creature is deeply weird, and I’m certainly no exception. I still wonder about that girl by the trees though…AND especially about that boy’s mother. What the hell was that all about?

The Wank Bank

I was talking to my friend Count Boogie from “Perverted Podcast” (not on the show itself, though I have been a guest a couple time). We were talking about masturbation as a way to avoid future sexual temptation. I’ve certainly done it a few times, usually in the morning when I’ve wanted to stay off the phone sex line that I talk about in the last blog post. If you pre-emptively rub one out it does remove the temptation for a while. Boogie made the comment that I must look at really dirty nasty stuff to get off, but the truth is that what I look at tends to be pretty tame.

We all have our own private wank folder on our computers, all those old favorite pics that work every time, and I’m no different. For myself, I prefer looking at pictures rather than videos, although I have bookmarked some short ten-second videos on Twitter, basically just short loops that really turn my crank. I do enjoy the challenge of shooting videos for Trannies in Trouble, but I usually don’t look at full-length videos myself. I remember the days long ago back in my twenties when I’d rent mainstream movies to look for bondage scenes and what an exercise in frustration it was to try to find something good. One of the problems of looking at videos is that there’s usually only a short section that really turns me on and I can’t time myself to just that little section. I find still pics are typically much more satisfying, or just closing my eyes and fantasizing.

So nowadays my wank folder just contains pictures. Probably half of them are bondage pics. And the other half are pretty tame. I have lots of pics of genetic females modeling outfits – including lots of pics off the Shein and Bebe websites. And I also have many pics of cute crossdressers and trans girls. About the dirtiest they get is one favorite pic of two cute twenty-something trans girls kissing. I do have quite a few pics of CDs with erect dicks but a lot of the pics aren’t racy at all. Sometimes I’ll just like someone’s smile or their general cuteness. I don’t think I’ve ever saved a single image of humping or of butt sex or anything that you would call hardcore, although I have bookmarked two short twitter videos of genetic women giving blowjobs – just two! In one of them the woman is wearing a spectacular purple blouse that just does it for me! But that’s typically about as dirty as I get.

The other kind of pic that I often save are ones where a woman, or occasionally a CD, has a dismissive or haughty look on their face, which of course plays into my love of humiliation. (The mean CD from the last blog post had a few pics that I saved but it was more her voice and her vicious text messages that really got to me.) Back in the 2010s I came across a site called Humiliatrix, which I really enjoyed, though again in a love / hate kind of way. Mysteriously, one day in 2019 the site just stopped updating new material, although it is still online. The site has no bondage, just videos of sexy women talking to the camera and telling the viewer what a loser they are. I remember when I first stumbled across the site the mixed feelings that I had. I didn’t want to get turned on by it, but I couldn’t deny that it was working. One of the best models on the site is Becky LeSabre, who’s incredibly good at doing verbal humiliation. Some of the other models always seemed to be reading from a script and weren’t that convincing. But Becky, at least on that site, always seemed to have a true note of disdain in her mocking manner, which only added to her appeal. Of course, she was also very young and incredibly cute at the height of that website.

Obviously, what turns someone on is so personal. If you’re not into verbal humiliation then a site like Humiliatrix would seem ridiculous, which it sort of is. I mean, why would these women be so disdainful? Of course, if you’re not into CD and trans bondage then Trannies In Trouble would probably also seem equally ridiculous. I remember a guy once wrote me and said that his girlfriend found my site “creepy,” which really surprised me and actually kind of stung. I would say that the words odd or puzzling would be more accurate for someone who’s just not into what I do. But then I also wonder if that guy is still with his girlfriend! Probably not, I would guess.

I know a lot of people probably think that I have a big backlog of people to tie me up and have sex with, but that’s really not the case. I have a couple friends whom I get together with and play with – with one close friend in particular whom I see about once a month. Another close friend whom I used to do bondage play with has gotten too old to do it anymore. But my life isn’t nearly the big bondage or sex orgy that it may appear to be. I’d certainly be open to doing more but with running my site I just have so little free time. And I really am a mild germ phobe, so I’m very cautious about who I’ll meet up with. I’m the kind of no-fun person who would show up at an orgy with condoms and hand sanitizer. And on days when I do take the day off, I often find I just want to lounge around and read the morning away or watch a couple obscure movies.

The thing about life is that for most of us it’s routine and repetitive. Most weeks look similar to the week before. We see the same people and go to the same places and do the same things. Mine is the same though in my case bondage photoshoots are the one thing that usually shows up week after week. Over the years I’ve easily shot well over a thousand bondage scenes, some quite good, some less so. But it’s been consistent. Still, like most people, there’s a routine even to that.

I have found, though, that the best online sexual turn-ons are the ones that just happen spontaneously. I’ll see something on Twitter, for example, and I’m suddenly massively turned on without expecting it. Those are the best! When I’m REALLY turned on, I’ll actually get a metallic taste in my mouth. Sadly, the last time I remember that really happening was about fifteen years ago during a solitary session in the little bungalow I used to live in in Hollywood. I expect now that with age it may not happen like that ever again, but one can hope – something to aspire to!

Of course, my habits of looking at stuff online have probably warped my sexuality, but considering what I do for a living what would you expect? I’ve certainly become much more gay – or that is, more cock focused. I’m not “typically” gay in terms of being attracted to men, but when I’m fooling around with someone (usually a CD) I definitely prefer that cock be involved. Occasionally though I’ll see a guy – like a twenty-year-old twink who would make a nice girl – and I’ll think that if he were into older crossdressers, I would certainly do him, whatever that would entail. But as I’ve said before, at this point there’s no way I could date a genetic woman. It would be so unfair and just an exercise in disappointment for her. The last woman I dated, back in 2013, basically said as much, though thankfully we were able to part on friendly terms and occasionally we still even talk on the phone. But with where I’m at in my life now, my days of dating women are long over.

Well, this is a fairly rambling post. I do always go back and try to edit these posts several times to try to make sure they’re mostly coherent and readable. This one definitely has me wondering again, “Am I sharing too much here?” I hope at least some of you can relate to some of it. Of course, if you’re a regular visitor to Trannies in Trouble then you almost certainly have your own online habits and your own wank bank. We all do, so enjoy!

Hey, Loser!

I haven’t talked about this subject much on this blog, but verbal humiliation turns me on, especially being on the receiving end. There’s a phone sex line that I occasionally call, though thankfully I’ve never spent a lot of money there. But last fall I got a little addicted to a crossdresser who specializes in putting people down on the phone or via text message (I’ve been contacting her off and on for about three years but last fall my exchanges with her got a lot more intense). I never told her about Trannies in Trouble or about what I do. We did talk about bondage some, among other things, but I didn’t want her to know too much and potentially have leverage over me. She didn’t even know my last name.

The thing is the phone sex line would sometimes leave me feeling bad afterwards, so I would try to stay away from it for as long as I could. It all felt pretty self-indulgent and not too healthy to be spending time and money on texting or on the occasional phone call. If I got tipsy and horny, though, it was tempting to text her or log on and see if she was online. Texting was really the thing that I indulged in the most, though ironically I typically don’t like to text much in day-to-day life. The phone sex site though uses this unique “bloop” sound for their text messages, like a drop of water, and I quickly became like one of Pavlov’s dogs when I’d hear that sound – I would actually feel a little thrill of excitement in my stomach knowing that the vicious CD had replied to me.

In any case, this CD was really good at being mean, and she scratched an itch. (I’m not going to leave a link to her profile or say who it is – that would be just too embarrassing!) The thing about her, and what really gave her a charge, is that she seemed to really mean it and not be role-playing. I distinctly got the feeling that she probably isn’t a very nice person in real life – I’ll bet she’d make a great CEO! After one especially degrading session last month I thought, “Do I really need to keep doing this?” Of course, a couple days would pass, and again I’d start to get horny and feel the itch. Considering my history growing up and being bullied some, and some of my emotional challenges with bouts of low self-esteem, it’s not surprising that I’d be into humiliation. Of course, bondage can be equally humiliating – at least when it’s done right! (to paraphrase Woody Allen).

Among CDs, verbal humiliation is of course a very common sexual kink. But it can cut both ways – it can be hot and sexy but then afterwards there’s the risk of feeling genuinely bad and emotionally abused, which is part of the thrill – that feeling that you’re being screwed over and taken advantage of, which weirdly can become sexualized. It’s certainly one of the riskier kinks because of the potential for doing real emotional damage to someone. I’ve done some humiliating scenarios on T’s in Trouble, of course, such as the scene with Ruby Bunny having naughty words written on her body. And of course, Star Nine is so incredibly skilled at being degrading and verbally humiliating that I never learn my lesson with her and just keep going back for more! It would be hot though to shoot a really rough verbal humiliation scene if I had the right scenario and a model who was up for it – a scene where it feels like we almost go too far could be very exciting!

Most of the time in real life though I’m probably much too nice to be really verbally humiliating to someone. But I do understand the appeal. There’s a CD on Twitter who’s a major attention whore and we sometimes exchange DMs and have even done a private online session. The fact that she so craves the attention and is also SO deeply closeted makes me want to push her face into a mattress, or into the toilet! So with her I can easily tap into the excitement of verbally mistreating her. I’m still not nearly as nasty as the online CD whom I got addicted to, but it’s a similar dynamic. Of course, the desire to dominate and humiliate others whom you view as beneath yourself is simply hard-wired into the human creature – it’s not a pretty side but it is a part of who we are as a species.

Addictive? – In a similar vein, I’ve sometimes wondered if anyone has ever found Trannies in Trouble to be addictive in a way that made them question the amount of time or money they were spending visiting the site. I expect over the years there probably have been a few members who’ve felt compulsive about the site, or who have maybe felt guilty or had mixed feelings about viewing it – I’ve certainly heard from people who felt conflicted about it, including one poor guy who struggled with deep religious guilt.

And I’ve had more guys than I can remember write me and say, “I’m completely straight but I find your site a turn on. Is that normal?” I can understand the doubt, especially if seeing a CD’s exposed cock is a big turn on. I mean, yeah, it is kinda gay, isn’t it? (I always think to myself, “Well, you know, you may not be completely straight!”) As for the question of whether it’s normal, well, if we’re just considering statistically what the average person is into, then, no, it certainly is not the norm. But I also think it’s not that big a deal. If you’re into dressing and getting tied up, or just like viewing others who do it, I’d say it’s best to just chill and enjoy it. When I was a teenager, I was extremely guilt ridden about being a crossdresser who likes bondage. But later in my twenties I consciously decided to set aside my guilt and try to leave it behind. I’ve been mostly successful, though occasionally mild moments of doubt will still arise, though it’s been a long time since I really felt bad about it. I feel far more embarrassment and regret from texting the vicious CD on the phone sex line, although for all of January I’ve stayed off the site completely. I don’t know if I’ll revisit it, but I won’t be surprised if eventually I do. On days when I’m particularly horny it almost seems inevitable. Of course, if I found someone to replace her it would make it a lot easier to leave and scratch that itch elsewhere.

Writing all this, part of me thinks, “Did I just share too much?” I’ve found though that the more we reveal our secrets the less hold they have over us. And usually when I share something really personal, at least one person will write me and say they can relate. That’s also part of the reason why I always recommend being out of the closet as much as you can – it makes life so much easier. If you’re completely out there’s zero risk of being blackmailed if you happen to work for the CIA or as a clerk for a Supreme Court Justice!

So that’s my little sermon and a little more insight into what turns my crank. Let me know if you’ve ever frequented any phone sex / texting lines or if you too like to be verbally humiliated. I am genuinely curious and would love to hear about others’ experiences. And if you don’t want to leave a comment at the link above (this blog gets so few comments anyway), feel free to email me. Your secret is safe with me! (Hey, haven’t I used that line before in a few of my videos?) But seriously, if you can relate to any of this or have your own sexual habits that sometimes give you doubt or second thoughts (or maybe on the other hand you’ve fully embraced them), feel free to write. I really would be interested to hear more.

Another Year That Felt Like Nine Months

Overall, 2023 has been a pretty good year for me, and I hope it’s been mostly good for everyone reading this. There were the inevitable ups and downs, and it really did fly by! In no time at all it’ll be January 1st – hopefully I won’t be lying in bed that morning with too bad of a hangover!

There were some memorable photoshoots this year, too many to list them all, but here are some highlights: The recent Velma shoot with Jessica Kat was just a lot of fun and it’s definitely going to be one of my all-time favorites. I really put Jessica through the wringer, and she handled it like a pro. Also, the recent spreadeagle scene with Milf Jeanne was also a lot of fun. We stayed in a funky little motel on the coast, the kind of place I normally would never check into, but the room turned out to have a bed with a massive frame to lash someone off to – it was perfect for a spreadeagle. And Jeanne looked sexy and helpless all stretched out!

It was also great to finally meet up with Chrissina Lovegag, who came all the way from Germany for a vacation in L.A. We had a lot of fun and of course she’s totally into it!

There were also several new models this year, including TS Natalie Carnot, who’s talented and enthusiastic, and of course amazing looking. And there were lots of other fun and hot scenes, especially with Ruby Bunny and Klintelle Moore, plus several other new models this year including Marissa Nicole, Mink Deville, and TS Ana, all of whom appeared in some nice scenes.

As always, I’m extremely grateful for all the loyal visitors to the site who’ve joined and become paying members and supporters of the site. And to the long-term members – you know who you are – thank you all so much! I plan to keep the site going for as long as I can, and I really could not do it without all of you! (Continued below):

My So-Called Life – In some ways I’m married to Trannies in Trouble. The site really does run my life and I’m usually doing something to manage the site every day. I try to take some days off, but I know I don’t take as many as I should. I’ve gotten many positive emails over the year, though, including from people who have written to say the site has helped them accept themselves and accept their kinks or their dressing or their gender identity in a significant way. Most of the time I do think that Trannies in Trouble is the best thing I’ve ever done with my life. But I’ll admit, on some days when I’m feeling tired and worn out, I sometimes wonder if it was the wisest career path to take. There’s certainly no pension for folks running tranny bondage websites, and it is work that’s far out of the norm in this sex-negative society that we live in – that reality can come with some stress. Some of those emails, though, that I’ve received over the years really do make it worthwhile. I know the site has meant a lot to many people over the years – and that’s very satisfying.

I started Trannies in Trouble because, first, I wanted to see a website that featured the kind of bondage you’d see in the Harmony Concepts magazines from the ’80s and ’90s but featuring crossdressers. Another big reason for starting the site, though, is that I really didn’t know in my late thirties what kind of work to pursue. I’d already done several jobs, some of them quite odd, like the adult bookstore clerk gig, but nothing seemed to really fit, and I’ve always been a bit of a loner and an odd duck. So I had this crazy dream that maybe I could make a living with a tranny bondage website. It’s pretty much worked out that way, though if I’d known then what I know now I honestly don’t know if I would have done things the same.

Of course, I’m not saying all of this to get any sympathy from anyone. We all have days when we question the significance of what we’re doing in life, and I’m certainly no different in that regard. The fact that I’m doing something out of the mainstream probably only leads me to question things even more, especially as I get older and more reflective. But don’t get me wrong. I’m very pleased that the website is closing in on twenty-one years online. And I want to keep it going for as long as I can since there are so few sites out there that feature CDs and trans girls in bondage. It really surprises me that there aren’t more sites like T’s in Trouble. When it comes to genetic females, of course, there are loads of them.

By the way, on social media I almost always refer to Trannies in Trouble as T’s in Trouble due to the controversy over the T-word. I wouldn’t be surprised if eventually my Twitter account were to get deleted since both Twitter and Facebook consider the word tranny to be hate speech. (More here if you haven’t already read my recent post on the subject.)

The Tubes – There are of course inevitable challenges in running a paysite, especially in the age of Pornhub. I generally try to avoid lecturing people who watch videos on Boundhub and other rip-off sites like xHamster, since most people aren’t even aware of how those sites work. Many even think that I have something to do with my videos being posted on the tube sites – Believe me, I don’t.

The tube sites basically provide a platform to repost producers’ videos without their permission, and the tube site itself is the one that earns money off this stolen material through advertising and sometimes their own paid memberships. Pornhub has actually cleaned up its act quite a bit after being busted by the NY Times, but most of the tube sites are full of stolen videos reposted without permission. I always say that if Steve Villa and Jim Hunter (and all the other producers out there) got a dime for every viewing on those sites, they (and I) would all be rich many times over.

But the tube sites aren’t going away. Most of them are hosted in foreign countries and even if they were in the States, they’re actually protected by the Digital Millenium Copyright Act (DMCA) against liability for what their users upload. In a way their business model is brilliant. It’s morally dubious but appears completely legit, offering the user the digital equivalent of shoplifting but without any sense of wrongdoing attached. But Pornhub is really the one that initially changed the landscape of online fetish material and how people view it nowadays. If I’d known this was coming twenty years ago, I don’t know but I might have done things differently.

What Do All These Buttons Do? – Though some are of course better than others, the videos I’m shooting now are probably some of the best I’ve ever done. But I admit there may be a rawness to the early videos from the 2000s that I just can’t capture anymore. I really didn’t know what I was doing with the camera back then, and I know some viewers actually prefer that less polished, “amateur” look. There was one loyal member (who’s since died, I’m pretty sure) who absolutely loved my site but when he wrote he would always refer to things that I shot in like 2009! The really early stuff, though, just makes me wince. Even with the rawness factor taken into consideration, from a technical standpoint some of it was just terrible. Even today I keep trying to get better. The sad thing is that now when I watch bondage videos so much of what I see are the mistakes and errors.

In any case I hope this blog post isn’t kind of a bummer or give the false impression that I think running my website for over twenty years was all a huge mistake. It’s certainly not. But the reality of running a website today versus the daydreams I had back in the day are very different. Still, even with the challenges, it’s been satisfying and rewarding.

On that note, let me just say thank you again to all the loyal followers and members and supporters of the site! I hope everyone has a nice time over the holidays and a fun and safe New Year’s Eve. Take care of yourself, and we’ll see you in 2024! Hugs, Sandra

Your Fantasies for Real

I recently posted a fun poll over on Twitter, asking if you would engage in your favorite and most intense bondage / sexual fantasy, but only if it were to happen the way it would in real life if, for example, you were really kidnapped or sold into sexual slavery. The responses were interesting. Of course, I figured that “Hell yes!” would be the most popular response since not everyone has fantasies that could lead to trauma or death! My fantasies are pretty intense so my vote was, “Not sure, hmm.”

One of my favorite fantasies, which I’ve written about before, is the idea of have my car break down out in the countryside and being “helped” by a tow truck guy who just happens to find me fully dressed and waiting all alone after nightfall. Of course, after giving me a tow and a ride in his cab, he ends up zip-tying me, gagging me with a huge wad of panties stuffed in my mouth and tight rolls of duct tape and then takes me back to his compound to be his new plaything, bound and locked up in his basement on a dirty mattress. It’s hot, but would I really want to experience that for real? Yeah, I’d probably regret it if it were the real thing!

I have an older CD friend, Kelly, whom I’ve mentioned before – we get together to hang out and watch old movies, and she told me about a date that became way more real than she’d ever expected. (And she gave me permission to share this story.) She used to love to get dressed up and meet men for dates at her apartment, and over the years she had some good ones, including a few guys with some basic bondage skills. One of the guys she got together with was not the nicest person in the world, but she found it hot to meet up with him. Although he wasn’t a natural bondage person, he enjoyed it and became fairly skilled at tying inescapable bondage.

The story takes a more intense turn when one night they got together, with my friend getting pretty drunk before they started to play. Her date tied her up good and tight, used her both orally and anally, I believe, and then gagged her with a tight cloth gag made from a pair of panties wrapped up in the leg of a pantyhose. Then once she was completely bound and gagged and he had had his fun, that’s when he left her for good. My friend couldn’t believe it but there she was, having just been sexually used, and now tightly bound and gagged, drunk and abandoned. Obviously, she was terrified but in her inebriated state couldn’t do much of anything. Apparently after struggling for a while, she passed out on the sofa, still tied up and helpless. It wasn’t till the next morning that Kelly was able to drag herself into the kitchen, find a knife and slowly work at cutting herself out of her bondage, which she finally did.

I always find the story incredibly hot, and in hindsight she does too, though at the time she was scared out of her wits. It’s the kind of story where you have to ask: would you do it for real if you had the chance? Except for the anal stuff, which really isn’t my thing, I’d be very tempted to say yes, though again it’s the kind of scene that I would probably regret! Still, it’s SO hot!

Another favorite of mine, which I often roleplay in my videos is the fantasy of being robbed and tied up by a wicked woman in a motel. Star Nine of course has played this role numerous times in our videos and in a recent one she was especially nasty and cruel, pretending to be a lady how’s lived a hard life and who couldn’t care less about my wellbeing. Would I want to do it for real? Hmm, not sure, though again it would be so tempting, especially if I were really turned on when making the decision!

So how about you? Are your fantasies so intense that you would have to hesitate and consider the risks or would it be “Let’s go!” and to hell with the consequences?

Staying with Tranny (For Now)

As I wrote earlier this year, I’ve been considering for a while whether to change the name of my website due to the controversy over the word tranny. This blog post is probably anticlimactic, but at this point I’ve decided to put the decision on hold and just stick with Trannies In Trouble. It’s a good name and I’ve gotten a lot of feedback. I’m still leaving open the option to change it at a later date if, for example, some major controversy over the word were to arise, or if I started getting lots of email from people saying, “Sandra, c’mon, you gotta change that name!” But neither of those things are happening.

As an aside, I have to acknowledge that this whole question of whether to change the name or not is something that obviously worries me more than it does anyone else, as I’m the one who would have to make it happen. I can imagine someone reading this and thinking, “Sandra, give it a rest, none of us who like your site give a hoot about the controversy and we all like the name, or at least are neutral about it. Stop worrying!” I’ll admit, it is a little crazy-making the amount of mental energy I’ve expended considering the whole question. But if I’d known twenty years ago just how controversial the T-word would become I probably would have chosen a different name.

Two opinions though that I especially valued came from two younger trans models whom I’ve worked with. Both of them said they like the word tranny and have no problem with it or with the name of my website. They’re at least thirty years younger than me and have transitioned and are taking hormones – they’re exactly the kind of younger trans women whom I worry may be offended by the name. One of them also said (and I’m paraphrasing), that she doesn’t like the gatekeeping and policing of language and behavior that one often finds in the trans community. For me, one hypothetical question I often ask is, if someone wasn’t telling you that the word tranny was objectionable, would you find it offensive on your own? A number of people have in fact written me saying, “I didn’t even realize that there was any controversy over the word!”

Another thing that also influenced me but in a backhanded way is the fact that the word tranny is considered hate speech on Facebook. It’s one thing not to like the word, or to judge it as problematic, but labelling it as hate speech just seems like the kind of all or nothing thinking that doesn’t allow any consideration of context or of intent. According to Facebook, I guess the word is just bad – bad in all cases – a position that lacks subtlety or nuance. There’s no acknowledgement that some of us identify with this same apparently taboo word. Anyone who visits my website can easily see that I’m using the word in a humorous and tongue-in-cheek manner. Facebook’s inflexible stance I actually find counterproductive. It just makes me say, “Now, wait a minute.” I’m just not so easily convinced.

My sense is that attitudes against the T-word may actually be starting to shift, as I’ve heard from quite a few people who also object to the policing and “gatekeeping” of the word. But then, this may just be wishful thinking on my part. Maybe.

Many other people also wrote me saying that they’ve been following my site for years and many said they like the word or just don’t think it’s that big a deal. And several pointed out that the name of my site is a brand that’s been around for years and that there’s really no pressing need to change it.

I do own a few good back-up dot com domains that I could use, (TGirl Trouble, TGirls In Trouble, Binding Transactions) but again, with the feedback I’ve received, I think I’m just going to put the issue on hold again (believe me, I’ve been thinking about this question for years now!) Besides, while the back-up names are pretty good, Trannies In Trouble is probably the best name I could ever possibly dream up. Plus, the technical issues involved in rebranding and changing the site would be significant. Maybe next year I’ll feel differently, maybe not. In the meantime, barring any unforeseens, the site will be continuing on as it has for twenty years now. So that’s where I’m at at this moment. Maybe things will change, but in the meantime this tranny owes a big thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts and feedback!

Sandra’s Self-Bondage Services

I don’t normally do private sessions, but lately I’ve had a couple long-distance sessions with a CD in Colorado who’s been paying me to contact her and make fun of her during her self-bondage sessions. For a little extra I’ve also sold her my used pantyhose, which is also fun and sexy since it’s so pervy. Of course, when doing self-bondage, I always stress the importance of safety – I don’t want anything to go wrong and end up getting a call from the Colorado police or anything! It is pretty hot though to know when she’s getting herself tied up and stuck, as well as knowing her real name and address so that I can look up her house or apartment on Google maps and know what’s going on in that dwelling, which again sounds totally pervy or like something a serial killer would do! There are a couple adult bookstores near her place so it’s fun to threaten to get someone from the adult arcades to stop by her place while she’s stuck. I would never do that, of course…or then again, would I?

The CD in Colorado bought a timed padlock on Amazon, which I’ll also probably have to buy, just to try it out. Once she gets herself tied up and clicks shut the padlock on her wrist cuffs, I let her stew for a while and then call her and make fun of her on her answering machine for the ridiculous situation that she’s gotten herself into. Again, if I were truly evil, I would arrange for someone to come to her address and mess with her, or more likely get her down on her knees with some stranger’s dick shoved down her throat, and then end up re-gagged with a couple more hours added to the time-release padlock. Or maybe set the padlock to a random number of hours between one and ten and she won’t know when she’s going to be released until it happens – that is, as long as the padlock works properly!

If I had a hundred such girls maybe I’d retire from Trannies In Trouble and simply become an online bondage instigator for all the solitary CDs who crave to get tied up and stuck. I would consider doing it with others, maybe, but I’m not really putting a shingle out actively searching for clients, since self-bondage is so risky. The CD in Colorado I’ve known online for a couple years, and I trust that she’s doing her scene as safely as possible, including setting up some back-up escape methods. In spite of the inherent risks, it’s probably less risky though having someone like me who’s aware of what’s going on. Plus, the cost is much less than seeing a Pro-Domme, many of whom don’t really have very good skills at bondage and aren’t really into it that much except as a preliminary to spanking or flogging someone. Believe me, I’ve heard so many stories from people who have written me regretting the lame bondage experiences for which they paid good money. Of course, I’m really into bondage, which helps a lot! In any case, the private sessions have been pretty fun, and it’s always hot to know that someone is indulging themselves under my wicked influence!

Suzy Eddie Izzard

Eddie Izzard has been in the news quite a bit lately, now using she / her pronouns and adding the name Suzy to her name: Suzy Eddie Izzard, though she’s taking a very relaxed and undemanding approach, saying people can use or not use the new name, still appearing publicly as Eddie, and saying people can use basically any pronouns they wish, which seems wise – “No one can really get it wrong.” I’ve been somewhat surprised too by the amount of grief that she gets on Twitter and social media, though I shouldn’t be, especially on Twitter, which is such a cesspool. I consider myself a fan, so I’ll admit I’m actually a bit relieved that she’s still fine with going by Eddie. I’m nowhere near her level of popularity, of course, but I think if I were to change or modify my own name a lot of people would say, “Oh, you’ll always be Sandra to us.”

In any case, probably around 2007, I got to see Eddie Izzard perform here in Los Angeles and it was a great show. A genetic woman I dated a couple times bought tickets for us. She knew all about my dressing. One early funny moment was when she thought that my website was an outreach service to trans people who truly were in trouble – homelessness, physical abuse, drug addiction, that sort of thing. I had to smile and explain what the website really was. I remember trying really hard not to laugh too much, but it was pretty funny! Maybe once the time comes to retire from bondage, I’ll rebrand the whole thing and begin my new career as a social worker!

For some reason, the night of the show I just went in boring “Robert” mode. Looking back, it was pretty stupid not to dress up – I mean, hell, it was Eddie Izzard, though at the same time she too was performing in boy mode that evening. And I was still nervous about going out dressed back then. It was a great show and she’s such a likeable person, which makes the grief she’s been getting online even more depressing – though when you step into politics (she recently unsuccessfully ran for Parliament), things are bound to get even more heated.

After the show I was feeling pretty good about myself, and my date and I went back to her place. I clumsily thought that something more might happen that evening but soon enough realized, “Oh my, I don’t think my date’s particularly attracted to me. This was just a ‘friend’s date,’ wasn’t it?” I’m pretty sure I wasn’t just shooting myself down prematurely. It was just suddenly obvious that nothing more was destined for the evening. I picked my ego up off the floor and brushed it off. We chatted some more, and I put on a smile and didn’t take it personally. I thanked her for the great show and lovely evening and headed out to my car. It was so long ago but I don’t think we ever saw each other again after that night.

It is funny when you’re out on a date and are not quite sure where it’s going. Like most, I’ve had my share of truly awkward moments with dates after coming back home to their place or to mine. There was one doozy a couple decades ago where I was struggling with deep social anxiety and yet the date I was with still invited me back home. Looking back, I can’t imagine why the poor woman I was with didn’t just thank me while I was staring at my shoes and say, well, I need to get up early tomorrow! It’s one of those memories that I wouldn’t mind erasing from my brain like in that Jim Carrey movie. At this point though I have to admit that my days of dating genetic women are likely over. Trannies In Trouble has warped my sexuality for good and I was never the most masculine and conventional guy with women to begin with.

As for the Eddie Izzard show, that was a really great night even if it ended with a certain awkwardness. But I still was touched by my date’s lavish generosity. I know those tickets weren’t cheap! Who knows, maybe if I’d dressed up the evening would have ended on a more promising note – a lesson there (whether it really is or not), but when you have the chance to dress up, always go for it and don’t put it off!

“The Assignment”

Director Walter Hill’s “The Assignment” is not a good movie but, hey, I kind of like it. It has a great premise: a deranged doctor, played by Sigourney Weaver, performs a “forced” sex-change operation as revenge on the hitman, played by Michelle Rodriguez, who killed her brother. It’s a wacky idea. Somehow I missed it back in 2017, but I finally saw it the other night.

The movie has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 21 percent and loads of bad reviews and the inevitable controversy over the subject matter. But I was a little tipsy when I watched it last weekend and, you know, it was perfectly enjoyable for a silly movie night. Of course, I kept thinking if a sex-change operation were forced on me – or on many of you reading this – I suspect we’d all be okay with it if we were going to come out looking like Michelle Rodriguez!

I do understand that it’s no longer called “sex reassignment” or “sex change” surgery but rather gender confirmation surgery. Apparently, an earlier draft of the script was titled, “(Re)Assignment.” And to be honest I think that would have been an even better title since it would suggest more the forced nature of the procedure.

Probably my favorite scene is when the hitman, now a “she,” goes to a doctor to see if the operation can be reversed and is told no – the doctor did too good a job. Later she muses, “So that was it. This was the way it was going to be. I was going to be a chick, except for in my head. So get used to it.” Yeah, I think I could get used to it pretty quickly!

Another favorite moment was a brief shot of the girlfriend of the hitman walking up a staircase. The way she moves and tilts her head at the top of the stairs was so feminine that I was transfixed. It was an otherwise unextraordinary moment, but I probably backed it up five times to watch her walk up those stairs.

I always like to read reviews of movies after seeing them, and the thing I found most annoying, though not surprising, is how much controversy the movie stirred up regarding trans issues, with many critics calling it transphobic and even hateful and dangerous. This one on Indiewire was particularly harsh. To me it seems like a typical overreaction and a misreading of the movie. In no way does the director equate what happens to Frank Kitchen, the hitman, to the transgender experience. It’s simply a crazed act of revenge that he’s forced to endure, and yes, anyone who’s comfortable with their gender and who wouldn’t want to undergo such an ordeal would be horrified to wake up with a forcibly altered body. Regardless of what some critics wrote, the director certainly isn’t saying that trans people are the subject of wacky experimental surgery or that women are inferior to men.

But I also think the objections of these critics are kind of irrelevant. Controversy is good for online clicks and traffic, so it pays to be offended. It is just a silly movie, though, and there’s such a tendency nowadays to demand that entertainment not be offensive and not delve too deeply into problematic territory. But the problematic material is often more interesting. I also like William S. Burroughs quite a bit (“Naked Lunch“), and he’s problematic AF, but you wouldn’t expect him to be otherwise. Who wants to be safe all the time?

I’ll admit part of my reaction to the critics – and I’m not comparing myself to Walter Hill – is due to the controversy I mentioned in the last blog post over the word tranny. (And thanks to everyone who’s emailed me about possible name changes, pro and con!)

Apparently, Walter Hill was somewhat surprised by the reaction he received, especially from people who haven’t even seen the movie. I still don’t fully understand the intensity of the objections. It’s one thing for a movie to be tacky, or just plain bad, but how it’s supposed to be “dangerous” to trans people is beyond me. Then again, someone might argue that my website is dangerous to trans people too. Myself, I don’t get that much pushback on Twitter since I really don’t have that many people following me but there have been a few. Over the years though I’ve heard many comments about the t-word. But I never reply to online attacks – it’s not worth it and only leads to escalation.

So that was my weekend, and this is my little rant. Let me know what you think if you saw the movie. And if you have any other gender-swap movies you enjoyed, or didn’t enjoy, let me know. I’m always looking for interesting stuff in the genre.

Possible Changes at Trannies In Trouble After Twenty Years

I just posted a little update in the Members Section of the site sharing some thoughts on changes that could possibly happen at Trannies In Trouble this summer or later this year and to get some feedback:

The short version: First, like all of us I’m getting older and the site’s been online for twenty years. I may be taking some classes this year to add to my resume, so I’ve been considering maybe slowing down the update schedule and posting updates every two weeks instead of every week. I haven’t made a final decision, and I am reluctant to make such a big change, but it may eventually become inevitable. It could happen as soon as May or it could be later.

Second, with the continued controversy over the word Tranny and other feedback I’ve received, I am considering maybe changing the name of the website. Again, I haven’t made a final decision, but it’s been on my mind for a long time. I already own some back-up domains using the word TGirl, but if someone were to send me an idea for a new name that was so brilliant that I couldn’t say no to it I would gladly give that person a lifetime membership to the site. So if you have any great ideas for new names let me know!

Further details: Again, just to clarify, these are things that I’m just considering and I haven’t made a final decision. I have a big birthday coming up and eventually I’ll probably have to pursue other work besides running the website. The site’s twenty-year anniversary amazed me, but I know it can’t last forever, though I’d like to keep the site going a few more years at least.

As for the possible name change, I do love the name Trannies In Trouble – it’s funny and tongue in cheek and one of the more clever things I’ve ever come up with. At the same time the controversy over the word Tranny frankly is a pain in the ass to deal with. If I do change the name, it would be more a business decision rather than a capitulation to the PC police.

I do sometimes wonder though if the name brands me as old and out of touch (whether that’s a fair judgment or not, and I don’t think it is). But I also wonder if after twenty years it may be time for a rebranding anyway. If I do change the name, the original Trannies In Trouble site would also still be online and continue to be updated. But the newer pics and videos would have the new name attached.

Again, all of these are just things I’ve been thinking about and I very much welcome any feedback. As I mention in the Members Area, I’ll definitely let everyone know if I do make any big changes. And as always, thanks so much to the paying members who keep the site going – it wouldn’t happen without you. Please do write me at: sandra@tranniesintrouble.com and share your thoughts, positive or negative, and do share any possible new names for the site if you have any good ones in mind. I’m always very interested to hear what people think. Thanks for your support and understanding, Sandra

Falling In Love with a Stranger

The other weekend I went out on a ten-mile hike up one of the nearby mountains north of L.A. It was a beautiful slightly chilly day, perfect for strenuous hiking.

Unlike my friend Jeanne, I sweat way too much to go hiking in girl mode, so I was just in boring ol’ boy mode on the trail. As I was starting out, I noticed a young woman, maybe 30 years old, who was hiking alone and wearing this cute dusky peach workout top that was snug and close fitting. I didn’t want to be the creepy guy and stare at her but from the moment I saw her she made an impression. First off, her cute outfit, with her workout top and leggings immediately awakened my fetishism. I wanted so badly to check out what she was wearing but made an effort not to. “Don’t be like that. You’re not here to stare!”

And secondly, she also completely awakened my feelings of gender dysphoria. I had that familiar feeling of wondering what her life was like, and wondering what my life would have been like had I been born with a body like hers. What would it be like if I were a young woman wearing my cute workout wear, going about my life in L.A., and going up a mountain on a solo hike. I admit the whole thing does sound a little creepy when I put it down into words like that. But my main concern was not to stare at her or give her any unwanted attention. She was alone minding her own business and wasn’t there to be bothered with my silly inner thoughts and desires.

The funny thing though is that during the next four-hour hike we kept leapfrogging on the trail, and not on purpose. I really wasn’t trying to follow her, but it always seemed we were just a few hundred yards apart, all the way up the mountain. She would pass and then I would pass, and we would say the casual greetings that you say when you’re on a popular trail. Finally, as it was getting cold near the top, she turned back and as she passed said she was calling it a day since she didn’t have any other layers. And then ironically, there she was again thirty minutes later coming up to the summit just as I was starting to descend. She had hooked up with a hiking group that must have told her that she was so close to the top, why turn back? And to add to the comedy of the whole situation, the route down was poorly marked (the trail was a loop), so after a while I ended up having to tag along with the hiking group too just to find my way back down. It was like I couldn’t get away from her!

So maybe I didn’t really fall in love with her, but I sure was aware of her presence, and to me it felt awkward. We’ve all had that experience where you meet someone that you find so attractive that it’s actually distracting. Sometimes it can even be unpleasant in a “sweet suffering” kind of way. It was like, “I just want to do my stupid hike. I don’t want my emotions and desires and my dysphoria to get all worked up!” But that’s what happened. The funny thing is that I’ll probably remember this woman for the rest of my life because the emotional response, and her attractiveness, was so strong. I just hope I wasn’t perceived as the creepy guy on the trail – that would be utterly mortifying. Who knows if I seemed weird or anxious, but all my inner rumination certainly couldn’t have helped!

I’ve certainly seen other people whom I also remember because they were so attractive, mostly women, but also some crossdressers too. I’ve had this experience several times of being at a bar or club and seeing someone whom I don’t have the courage to approach, and then ending up with their image later burned into my memory – some of them I can remember years, even decades, later.

Part of the difficulty in relaxing around a shockingly attractive person – and of course this is very common – is that I’ve often struggled with feelings of unworthiness, that feeling of being somehow flawed or undeserving deep down inside, even though normally I can carry myself quite well and usually make a good impression on people. But inside, there’s that little voice that says, “No, not quite, not you.” It’s an irrational response – probably only made worse by gender dysphoria and fetishism – but it’s so persistent, like a nagging guest who just keeps revisiting again and again.

So that was my day out hiking. Later that evening I still thought about the young woman, and at one point I did say out loud, “I think I just fell in love.” Strange how things work out. I just wanted to go on my hike and get some exercise and see if my heartbeat felt improved since my hospital visit in December (good news, my pulse did feel much better!) So there’s what I was expecting from the day and there’s what I got – another memory of a cute girl to swoon over, and a day or two with my emotions shaken up like a snow globe – all combined with a good workout – not a bad weekend to be honest.

A Surprise Christmas Gift to Wrap Up 2022

It’s been a pretty good year for me with its inevitable ups and downs and as always it flew by. There were some really fun photoshoots, including a couple scenes in Vegas with Dani T. Leather and Milf Jeanne. Sybil and Victoria Venery and I also shot some new scenes in a very noisy loft in downtown L.A., with help from Ikaras Jones. And then in October Jeanne and I shot again in Palm Springs, doing a custom noose video, and then spent one day hiking up to the summit of San Jacinto Peak – an epic and memorable day, and a total butt-kicker of a hike. I sweat profusely when I hike so I did it in boy mode but Jeanne looked cute in her girls’ workout wear. She only got a few glances from the passersby, but I think she enjoyed the attention!
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Best Christmas Gift Ever – Then just last weekend I had an experience that blew my mind. I’ve felt some fatigue and pressure in my chest for a while now (that hike was especially brutal, though still epic), and my doctor sent me in for a treadmill stress test. I went in thinking, “I’m in such great shape that I’m going to ace this test! They’ll be so impressed with my stamina and endurance!” After a few minutes it was like, “Okay, that’s enough.” The doctor in charge immediately checked me in to the hospital and the next morning they put a stent in one of the arteries of my heart – the dramatically-named “widowmaker” artery, which had some pretty serious blockage. I have to say I’m SO glad I went in for that test – my jaw dropped when I heard the results – kind of feel like I just dodged a bullet!

So now my heart health is probably better than it’s been for the last ten or more years. It does make you wonder though about everyone walking around with plaque buildup in their arteries. I’m feeling very thankful, and the recovery time was practically nothing thanks to high-tech medicine! I hope I don’t jinx things but tonight as I write this I’m feeling great. So the message is, if you’re feeling wiped out all the time and have any symptoms in your chest, lungs or gut, go get it checked out. I should have done so months ago!

Twenty Years Approaching – The website is also still humming along, and I always want to thank you, the members, who have made it possible! It’s very true that I’m only able to keep the site going because of your support, and I always appreciate it. It’ll be twenty years of Trannies In Trouble in March so I gotta keep going! I basically have more material than that already shot so it’s most likely a done deal barring an internet melt down or me getting hit by a bus, but it will be cool to have kept the site up for so long – probably have to continue a few more years after that! In any case, I do want to give a sincere thank you to all the members!

TEASE – On the other hand, the year wasn’t all good. One of the downer notes was the cancellation of the TEASE Party in July. I can’t go into the details of the whys and hows of its demise since the club that hosted it, Threshold, has a rule against discussing club business. But we had a great run – starting back in 2006 when I inherited the party from the Glamour Boutique store that was out here briefly back in the day. It was always a fun and relaxed party, low key and open to everyone. Maybe we’ll do another one at some point at a new location, like in a gothic castle or an abandoned sawmill, or, well, just at another fetish club. At the moment I’m a bit burned out on party hosting, but we shall see.

I Care A Lot – I never get to see as many movies as I’d like, but I recently really enjoyed Rosamund Pike in “I Care A Lot” on Netflix, which I finally got around to watching. That lady is stone-cold evil and smokin’ hot. I kept thinking she’d make a great bondage Domme! (I’d sign up!) It’s not that kind of movie but her character is a lot of fun to watch if you like dangerous women. The audience rating on Rotten Tomatoes is very low but I suspect it’s probably because the movie is just so dark. The trailer unfortunately pretty much gives away the entire story – I hate how modern trailers do that. But if you like pitch-black comedies it might be for you.
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So another year winds down and we’ll see what 2023 brings. As always, I hope everyone has a nice time over the holidays and can be with friends and family. Keep the faith and as always keep getting tied up tight! It’s worth it. Hugs, Sandra

My Would-Be Music Career

When I check into hotels for bondage photoshoots I usually arrive dressed up, but I do it in a more toned-down androgynous way, wearing girls’ jeans and a girl’s top and full makeup and a wig. I know mask wearing is controversial and political, but I do like wearing a Covid mask since I’ve been a germ phobe for decades, and they are great for the anonymity. (If only I’d known I could have been wearing a mask on the plane and at the gym all this time!) If it’s cold I’ll also wear my favorite ladies’ trench coat. The thing is, though, I don’t pass as a girl when I’m dressed in this casual mode. I’m certainly not going to show up at the check-in counter wearing a tight bodycon dress with hoop earrings and five-inch heels – not that there would be anything wrong with that – but in the summertime, no thanks. Besides, I have to load in my camera and lighting gear and all the bondage gear and clothes and heels. I’d be a sweaty blob by the time I got everything into the room – and I often end up a sweaty blob anyway.

Dressing in my “casual Sandra” mode, the one question I’ve been asked probably more than any other is, “Are you a musician?” It always makes me laugh when people ask that, as it’s just so ridiculous, but it also really underscores the point that I’m not passing as a girl. Hell, even in my regular boring “Robert” mode I’m occasionally asked the same thing (happened just a couple weeks ago in a parking garage) – probably because without a wig I have fairly long hair (though starting to thin in back like Prufrock) and I’m often wearing girls’ jeans anyway. So as casual Sandra I guess I just look like one of the guys from the band Sweet. You could do worse, I suppose.

My experience though does point out just how hard it is to fully “pass” as a woman – to meet someone and for them not to realize that I’m a crossdresser and to see me just as a genetic woman. It just doesn’t happen, at least for me, and I try not to kid myself into thinking that it will. Looking nice, that’s another matter, but passing and being seen as a genetic woman, that’s something else entirely. In any case it’s a subject for another blog post, maybe the next one. I know passing is controversial in the trans community but it’s worth reflecting on and being honest about. Hopefully more coming before too long.

That Thing Called Gender Dysphoria

I haven’t written much about this before, but I’ve had gender dysphoria since about age four. A recent book I read describes gender dysphoria in its simplest terms as “a persistent desire to have a female body.” At that age I can remember being aware of the differences between boys and girls and a feeling of loss and dissatisfaction over being a boy. Obviously, I’ve always had a lot of fetishism mixed in with my experience of gender, so it’s always been hard for me to say where exactly I fit in. Am I transgender? (I would say so.) Am I also a flaming fetishist and bondage nut? (Also true and not something that invalidates being transgender or at the very least being on the trans spectrum).

The thing is, though, I’ve never strongly identified with the word transgender itself and have never felt that I really fit in that well with the trans community. Some would probably agree with me that you can sometimes find an anti-crossdresser bias within the trans community, or at least a hierarchy of who is more authentically trans and who is less so – those who transition and pass effortlessly being at the very top. And there’s also often a bias against fetishes such as bondage, which is unfortunate though I can understand why. Some people feel – I would say erroneously – that anything sexual could undercut the validity of the trans experience, and therefore there’s sometimes a tendency to minimize or deny anything sexual or of a fetish nature. “Move along! Nothing sexual going on here!”

I remember going to a transgender support group about two decades ago and just having a sense of not really being welcomed by the trans woman in charge. Maybe it was just me and my low self-esteem, or maybe our personalities didn’t click – or maybe I was just projecting – but I don’t think so. I was never specifically called out but the overall feeling I got from her was, “You’re not one of us.” I did however attend a similar group when I lived in Colorado Springs a few years earlier and at that one I felt enthusiastically welcomed. Obviously it depends on the group and the group leaders, but that one experience left a bad taste in my mouth and made me cautious about sharing my fetishism in support groups.

Recently I read an interesting ebook for the Kindle that got me thinking about all this again. I’d never heard of Felix Conrad before, but he wrote a book a few years ago called, “How to Jedi Mindtrick Your Gender Dysphoria.” I don’t believe Felix has any professional credentials, but he deals with gender dysphoria himself, and he’s a pretty good writer. I found the book interesting and helpful though on Reddit I found some really harsh criticisms. I’ll grant that some might find the title dismissive or overly clever for a condition that causes a lot of pain. But I really didn’t find the book deserving of the degree of criticism once I actually read it. Of course, the comments were on Reddit, so you have to take them with a grain of salt. And again, I want to stress that this is just my own reaction to the book filtered through my own experiences.

What I like about Felix’s approach is that at the start he stresses that no one knows what causes transgenderism. There’s a lot of speculation and interesting data but there are no theories that have been scientifically proven as to the cause of the condition. I think it’s a point worth making. We simply don’t know.

One very interesting distinction that Felix makes is between early-onset trans people and late-onset trans people. He points out some trans people are so effortlessly feminine from such an early age that it’s just obvious that they’re girls and that they should transition. And then there are many more of us for whom things aren’t so clear cut, and who also often have some fetishism mixed in with their transgender feelings. Again, this is controversial, but I think the distinction makes sense. The woman who cuts my hair, for example, transitioned at a young age, and she’s just obviously a woman. I can’t really imagine her ever having been a guy. For myself though it’s always been much less clear to me where I fit in and what my path should be. And the dysphoria I feel is probably more on the moderate end rather than severe. While having dysphoria sucks, for me anyway it’s not all consuming. It’s more like an itch or a repetitive thought or feeling that’s almost always there, though mostly in the background.

The part of the book that is the most controversial is how Felix approaches the question of whether or not to transition. The issue of “passing” is controversial in the trans community but the book argues that in deciding whether to transition one really should take an honest assessment of one’s own body and consider how successful one would be at transitioning. This includes asking the question, “Will I pass successfully?” For myself the main reasons I’ve never transitioned (and I’ve thought about it dozens of times) is that I don’t really feel like I’m “a woman trapped in a man’s body.” I have that persistent desire, but I’ve never felt in my core that I really am a woman. Nor am I naturally feminine in my mannerisms or speech. And probably more importantly, I just don’t think I’d be able to pull off transition effortlessly day after day, the way that some early-onset trans people seem to – though I know it’s not as effortless as it appears. I’m well aware of how much work it is to be a girl!

But for me – and again I’m only talking about my own experience here – it would be a source of frustration to look in the mirror and still see Robert rather than Sandra – and inevitably there would be lots of days like that since I have a tall and masculine body – and a deep voice. I’m well aware of the arguments that there are tall women out there (I know, but they’re still genetic women) and that hormones do make significant changes – yes, they do indeed. But they’re not going to magically give me the body I’d really like to have. To be blunt, I know a few trans women who have transitioned who still have strong masculine features in their bodies, even with the hormones. And I know that reality causes them pain. Sometimes you’ll see incredibly cute young trans girls on Twitter and they’ll tweet, “The dysphoria is really bad today.” And these are girls who look absolutely stunning! Transition, as Felix points out, doesn’t necessarily cure dysphoria, but it can help lessen it, sometimes significantly. And for some trans people who have very strong dysphoria there really is no other choice but to transition. And just to clarify, I’m not anti-transition at all. I think it’s an awesome path for some people. I’ve just never been convinced that I would be wholly satisfied with the results if I were to try to follow that path myself. If I change my mind in a couple years, I’ll be sure to post an update!

So it’s been a long time since I decided not to transition and not to take hormones, and in some ways the decision was made by default just by not acting on it. And I’m mostly at peace with the decision. It feels right. At the same time I still meet friends and new acquaintances who are transitioning and going on hormones and I always have a reaction of, “Oh, really? Very interesting! Do let me know how it goes as you progress!” There’s still always a part of me that gets intrigued about the possibility, though I’ve basically made my decision.

In many ways, reading Felix’s book just got me reflecting on things I’ve thought about for years, and it helped put into words things that I hadn’t completely thought through. Some won’t agree with or like the analysis in the book – and some will hate the book – but I think he makes a lot of good points, and in the end it didn’t really seem that controversial. I think the problem the author ran into is that just by questioning whether transition is right for everyone he’s inviting some strong reactions from some very loud online voices – online voices usually being the loudest. My impression is that he’s really just examining the practical questions of how to best live one’s life and how to carry on and minimize the pain that inevitably goes with gender dysphoria, especially as it relates to non-transitioners and those of us for whom the question has never been clear cut. I found the book interesting and for me, helpful. It’s not the final answer by any means, but I’d recommend it for a clear-eyed approach to a complicated subject.

Our Final TEASE Party, Saturday, July 30th, 2022

I just posted about the upcoming TEASE Party just last month but didn’t realize at the time that it would turn out to be our last TEASE Party, at least for the time being.

I’ve been hosting the party since 2006 but just got word last week informing me that the club will no longer be hosting the party after this next one. I’m still a bit stunned by the news, but we’ll have a fun time anyway and I’ll probably be doing a lot of tying!

After this one I’ll take a break from running the party for a while – it has been a long run. But maybe at some point we’ll do another one at another venue, though I have no plans for now. In any case, I’ve been letting a lot of people know and I expect it to be a good party. As always, the club requires proof of vaccination and mask wearing in the club – I know it’s kind of a bummer having to wear a mask but that’s just how it is at the club. If you’re in the L.A. area though I hope you’ll consider coming out for the evening and joining us – it would be nice to see you there!

Fetlife RSVP

Bondage Modeling Realities

After tying up and photographing so many models for Trannies In Trouble I can say with certainty that bondage modeling is tough. From appearances I know it looks pretty easy – you get tied up and gagged, you make some “mmphing” sounds and struggle a little. How hard can it be?

It’s true that at its most basic it can be pretty easy, but to do it well takes rare skills. One of the most common difficulties in bondage modeling is how to convey high energy while tied up. If you just sit there, and especially if you do the “mmphing” in a repetitive monotonous way, it can be really boring. Of course, sometimes someone just looks so hot that they can get away with doing very little but to take it to the next level takes experience and skill.

I believe there really is a “method acting” approach to bondage modeling. If someone gets into the mindset of being a damsel, where they’re naturally conveying a sense of fear or peril, and they’re focusing on the bound sensations and the gag while having “damsel-y” thoughts in their head, it can be much more believable and natural – as opposed to just going through the motions. I often give people the direction of, “Focus on your wrists and the different sensations and really think about being tied up and what a pickle you’re in now.” If you try to act like you would act in real life if you were tied up and kidnapped, your actions will be much more believable. But if you sit and grunt repetitively and do nothing it will be dull and low energy. And believe me, I’ve made these same mistakes myself, and others, many times.

I don’t normally like to toot my own horn a lot, but one area where I do excel is in my ability to move across the room or move up and down on furniture while I’m tied up, even while hogtied. This is not an easy thing to do, and not many models can pull it off. Kyra Pixie was always quite good at energetic struggling and moving around but it’s a rare skill. And yes, it comes with a price. I’ve sometimes finished shoots where once I’m untied I just lie on the floor on my back and mutter, OMG! Usually the next day I’m bone tired and my feet hurt. But it’s worth it.

One other tough reality of bondage modeling is that you can get injured doing bondage, and in fact bondage injuries are far more common than people like to admit. I think I’ve talked before about my own nerve compression injuries, including a bad one several years ago from an overly tight scene that I stupidly pushed through. At this point I don’t appear to have any lingering issues from past injuries, but I’ve heard of a number of female bondage models who’ve suffered ongoing issues in their limbs and back and neck from being tied up. It can screw you up badly if done poorly or if you’re just unlucky. There’s always a risk. I sometimes fear that at my age I may be pushing my luck – and it’s true I don’t generally do things as intensely as I used to, though the recent scene where I was taped up by Damon Pierce would argue otherwise!

So ideally when watching a video you’re seeing a convincing and sexy portrayal of a damsel without distracting facial grimaces or weird repetitive grunting or the model just sitting and doing nothing as though she’s waiting to get untied. The best models make it seem effortless but I’m sure all of them learned to get better over time. I know some of my early videos I can’t stand watching. I just wish I was that young again with what I know now.

And while I don’t always get turned on while doing bondage modeling – there are too many technical things to think about! – sometimes it can still be super-hot. When ScorpioBD did one of his super strict gags on me last year in that all-in-white outfit below I was as turned on as I’ve ever been…at least until my jaw started to ache! But it was still really hot. Here’s hoping everyone has moments like that where you get lost in your damsel fantasy. It’s worth pursuing those moments!

Where Are We Heading?

I don’t normally discuss political things and there’s nothing sexy about this post at all – I may end up deleting it. I’ll try not to sound too alarmist here but with the recent decision from the Supreme Court overturning Roe v Wade, and a more hard-right turn that the country seems to be taking, I do wonder about the future of things like same-sex marriage, public crossdressing, and online porn. I totally get it that abortion is a highly emotional issue and that some of you reading this blog likely are in favor of the Court’s decision. My own opinion on abortion isn’t the point here, though it’s probably not hard to guess. And I’m not here to change anyone else’s opinion, which is a fool’s undertaking anyway. But I do wonder what’s next.

Following Roe, same-sex marriage is the right that seems most at risk. Clarence Thomas has already said that he’d like to revisit those rights that fall under the so-called “Substantive Due Process” principle – same-sex marriage, sodomy laws, contraception and so on. Tellingly, as many have pointed out, he left out interracial marriage, which also would fall under that same principle. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if gay marriage gets overturned in the next few years, maybe even as soon as next year. In fact, if the issue were revisited, I would expect it to be overturned unless Brett Kavanaugh doesn’t vote with the conservative bloc on the Court. I wouldn’t put any faith in that prospect, though he has been a little quieter apparently than some of the other Justices on the issue.

If same-sex marriage goes, and even if it doesn’t, there will almost certainly be a greater increase in gay bashing and violence against LGBTQ people, which is already on the rise. And it also wouldn’t surprise me at all if some more conservative states try to pass bans on public crossdressing under the pretext of “protecting the children.” I’m in California so unless things dramatically fall apart that’s not going to happen here. As crazy as it sounds, an attempted ban on public crossdressing would be a great issue to stir up the outrage machine which powers so much of our politics today. And it would just make sense to go after the trannies if you’re an uber conservative politician or member of a state legislature – it would play into the culture wars and there would be no downside to it. Obviously, such a ban would be a nightmare for trans and gender non-conforming people and for human rights in general. It would be a crazy idea, but it wouldn’t surprise me in our current climate.

And finally, online porn seems like another inevitable target if you’re in a conservative state. An outright ban would be very tough considering the First Amendment’s right to Free Speech, but it’s an idea that always has some traction. There is a story – and I honestly don’t know how accurate it is – about a big anti-porn push that the George W. Bush administration was going to introduce, set to be announced on September 11, 2001. Of course history had other plans.

The easiest way to target online porn is to put pressure on the credit card companies to drop porn websites under whatever pretext. It’s what happened to the old Insex.com website, where the Department of Homeland Security apparently talked to their billing company and said they suspected that Insex was involved in money laundering for terrorists, which was of course total bullshit. But they shut ’em down just like that.

Again, with me being in California it’s unlikely that a website like mine would ever be targeted but again it’s an issue that I always keep an eye out for. I hope that everything I’m saying is just alarmism and that none of this will come to pass, though at the same time many many people thought that Roe would never be overturned, that it was “settled law,” as many of the Justices who voted against it said themselves. We shall see.

TEASE Trans / CD Play Party Coming Up July 30, 2022

We just had TEASE last month in April and had a really fun time. I got to tie up a number of girls including the two below (the one of the right is Mika, who’s on my site. I think they rather enjoyed it.

So we’re planning to do another party on July 30th at the Threshold clubhouse. I expect that the club will continue to require proof of vaccination from now on forever, and mask wearing will probably be required for as long as there’s any Covid activity going on. I get it that the mask wearing is kind of a pain and I know there’s all kinds of political arguments around Covid and vaccine requirements – I’ve heard them all, especially in some of those emails that I get! But the requirements are not going to change and honestly I’m okay with them. I heard that DomCon LA took place about two weeks ago, which I did not attend, and apparently it turned into a big super-spreader event with a lot of people getting sick. I know that mask wearing is not a foolproof preventative against Covid but I’d rather be cautious than not at TEASE, especially since I’m the host and some of the people who attend are frankly pretty old. So I’m fine with the requirements. More details here.

Having said all that, the real point of the party is to have some fun and be able to dress up and be yourself and maybe get tied up. Or just hang out, relax, and have a nice time. It’s very laid back and chill at TEASE so if you’re in the L.A. area at the end of July I hope you’ll consider attending. I’m always there barring anything unforeseen. Hope to see you this summer!

Kiss Me Deadly

I have an older CD friend, Kelly, whom I try to visit about once a month, one of the first people I met when I moved to L.A., back in the days of the old Queen Mary club (long since closed) – and we only watch old movies when we get together, usually with a glass of wine or two to get in the mood.

Another online CD friend recently sent me a nice DVD of the 1955 Film Noir classic, “Kiss Me Deadly” and my L.A. friend and I really enjoyed it – it’s deeply weird and dark. The dialogue is so hard boiled that it’s nearly a parody of Film Noir and yet it’s also one of the best ever made in that genre. I actually saw it on a little black and white TV back in the late ’90s and it made a big impression then, especially the “What the hell?!” ending, which years later provided inspiration for movies like “Repo Man” and “Pulp Fiction.”

Of course the bondage in the publicity still above is totally lame, and actually very misleading, as there’s no female bondage in the movie at all. The only bondage, and it’s unimpressive, involves the actor who plays Mike Hammer (Ralph Meeker) as he does get spreadeagled face down briefly. And the dames never actually hold a gun up to one another, though the picture down below makes me wish they did.

A few of the many strange things about the movie is that the big mystery is never solved, or ever really explained, there are no heroic characters at all – Mike Hammer is a violent cad and not that bright – and again there’s that weird ending. But Gaby Rogers in her two-tone suit looks really cute with her short hair. (Poignant side note after looking her up on Wikipedia: she was born in Germany, her family fled to escape the Nazis, and apparently she played marbles with Anne Frank when they were both children.)

Apparently the director and writer both used the movie as a way to insert their ideas about the Cold War and the atomic age into an otherwise pedestrian Mickey Spillane novel, the source material for which they both had little regard. From what I’ve read Mickey Spillane was not pleased and the movie was dismissed as trash when it first came out, but the French loved it. All in all I thoroughly enjoyed it and will have to watch it again when I’m a little less tipsy – definitely worth seeing if you get the chance and especially if you like Noir.

Twitter

I have really mixed feelings about Twitter and social media in general, especially after reading a number of critical articles recently about how those sites deliberately work at hooking us. For me, my bad online habits consist of checking email too often and then wasting time on Twitter. Years ago, I left Facebook because I just didn’t like the site that much (and I don’t trust Zuckerberg at all), and I’ve never looked back. I’d probably be happier if I just left Twitter completely, but I have this irrational belief that I need to be on it because of Trannies In Trouble – whether that’s true or not is open to debate. My site did hum along for eleven years just fine before I ever opened a Twitter account.

The big mistake I made when I started using Twitter is that if someone followed me I’d immediately follow them back. This might be a nice thing to do but it’s certainly not wise, as I ended up following way too many accounts that are simply retweeting hardcore porn – plus at one point a bunch of guys from Turkey followed me. Of course I don’t understand Turkish so again it’s nice but kind of pointless for me to be following them back – nothing against any Turkish Trannies in Trouble fans. I love you guys!

I have often thought though that I should just delete my Twitter account and start over, but my friend Delilah pointed out that the downside of only following a small number of sites is that your timeline quickly becomes boring as you only see items from a small number of people over and over – though that might not be a bad thing if it keeps me from frittering away my time. So it’s a dilemma – to delete and start over or not? It’s also a good example of a first-world problem, as if my Twitter experience matters in the least in the scheme of things.

A related concern that I sometimes wonder about is if anyone out there has ever gotten really addicted to Trannies In Trouble and spent hours and hours looking at pics and videos. In a way that would be flattering but I’ve always felt that in looking at naughty images one should probably limit oneself to an hour and then finish it off, if possible. I’ve certainly been caught a few times in that loop of looking at naughty images for way too long and it can definitely leave one with a sense of, “What the hell am I doing?” I hope not too many people have ever done that on my site but I’m sure it must happen – how often, who knows?

Fetlife, on the other hand, is one site that I don’t really have attention problems with. I mostly use it for messaging friends and potential models, but I don’t scroll and click around too much. It feels pretty benign and it’s one site I always recommend. Twitter on the other hand I do have some mild to moderate addictive tendencies with. Strangely enough, I don’t post or comment much, but I do get swept up in the news and reading the comments and looking at naughty images there, though I’ve been much better the last week and a half making a conscious attempt to limit my use.

Again my time on social media isn’t a particularly earth-shattering problem that matters much but it is a source of frustration. I am always curious though about what people think of Twitter if they are on it. Maybe I should go tweet something!