With my friend K. gone and back at home, I’ve been feeling a bit sad lately and tormenting myself with nostalgia. Before I moved to L.A. we used to live so close to each other that we were practically like a couple. I lived next door to her in her duplex in Colorado and saw her almost every day. When we first became friends, way back in the early 80s (I’m dating myself here), I had such a crush on her. But with my sexuality the way it is, and both of us having difficulties with intimacy, there was no way it was going to work. We can really drive each other crazy, the way old friends who are so comfortable with each other often do, but I would do practically anything for her.
Wow, it’s been a whole week since the last entry. I’ve actually been out of town for a couple days, spending some time with a friend in the Monterey Bay area. One evening we were out having dinner at a seafood place. I was in boy mode and the guy bringing us water came up to us and said, “Hello, Ladies.” At first I had a split second of embarrassment and then I felt really pleased and thought, “Oh, cool!” That doesn’t happen to me too often but I love when it does. I could tell the guy recognized his mistake once he set down the water, but it happened so fast and he was probably embarrassed himself and didn’t say anything else.
My friend K. is someone I’ve known for years and years from when I lived in Colorado. She’s a genetic girl and knows all about my dressing and website, but she herself has no kinky side. I’ve often thought that if I ever married a woman, it would have been her. But it just wasn’t in the cards. Almost two decades ago we tried to have a “relationship,” but it was a disaster. We do so much better as friends.
Wow, I feel great this morning! Relaxed and happy and only a little bit sore. Sometimes self bondage can just be tedious and boring but when it really works for me, like it did last night, it just rocks my world!
I had a great time on the self-bondage webcam tonight, using rope, leather straps, handcuffs and a duct tape gag. I ended up using ten ice cubes, putting them in a pantyhose with the handcuff key on a ring ready to fall once the ice melted. I was really surprised that ten ice cubes took about the same amount of time to melt as six of them had, about three hours.
I started chatting at 4:00 PM, had myself tied up and gagged and closed the handcuffs at 5:00 and struggled out of them around 8:00 PM, much earlier than I anticipated. There was a nice turn-out of friends watching the cam and afterwards we all hung out in the chatroom for another hour or so. It was a really sexy self-bondage session for me and here’s a few pictures from it. Looks like next time I’ll have to try 20 ice cubes. My dream is still to enlist a couple friends to help me do a 24 hour bondage session on the webcam. I’ve got to try that. It would be amazing.
I’ve really gotten a craving for some self-bondage lately and it turns out I have time to indulge tomorrow and go online with my webcams (both my paysite and free cam) – Wednesday, February 15, starting around 4:00 PM Pacific time. The last time I did it, I used six ice cubes for the ice cube and key trick (suspending the hand cuff key just out of reach attached to a pantyhose filled with ice cubes, so that when the ice melts, the key drops). I’m going to try to beat that, using anywhere from six to ten ice cubes, depending on the flip of a coin. So stop by if you get a chance. I’ll also post a notice in my Yahoo Group.
Somehow I missed this wonderful French movie when it came out in ’97 – about a seven year old boy who’s certain that he’s a girl – but I finally saw it on DVD. It’s wonderful and very sad, and the young actor who plays young Ludovic is amazing. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it so perfectly captures the innocence of childhood and the awfulness of it for someone who is different. It really shows the way that social expectations and rules suffocate us, how we get slapped around when we step out of the bounds of what’s expected for us.
I don’t think anyone with any kind of gender difference – or anyone who was ever a child, for that matter – could see this movie and not identify with Ludovic. The movie has a happy ending, which I thought seemed maybe a little forced and which surprised me a little since French movies are often so tragic. But it is a wonderful and beautiful movie and definitely worth seeing.
Here are a few links on it, including an interesting one asking why this movie got an “R” rating?
Oh my god, I got totally overwhelmed by Yahoo 360, so I’ve decided to put my Yahoo 360 page on the back burner (at least as much as Yahoo will let me, that is) and just go back to my regular profile. I don’t mean to be rude, I was just getting so many messages and invites from it – 30 to 50 a day – and couldn’t keep up, and I don’t want people to think I was just ignoring them. The best way to contact me is still through my email on my website (again, I apologize if I’m slow at getting back) or through my Yahoo Group, and you can always leave comments on my blog here too.
A friend sent me an interesting article on adult websites and the new FBI anti-obscenity task force, which among other things lists sites with “sadistic or masochistic behavior” as being potential targets. I started reading and thought, “Oh my God, I’m going to end up in jail!” But I quickly got over my hysteria. Most likely, I’m probably pretty safe – my website shows fully clothed t-girls bound and gagged, has no sex or genitals, and I keep my model releases and records in order (for the so-called 2257 regulations).
But the scary thing is that no one really knows what the Feds may choose to go after. I sure don’t know. Is bondage material considered “sadistic or masochistic?” Probably so, even though the things I’m into seem pretty tame compared to a lot of other stuff that’s out there. But obviously it would be a nightmare to come under scrutiny from the FBI. The author of the article, Sensuous Sadie – who has a nice website of her own with her writings on BDSM subjects – offers some suggestions for making a website less “obscene.” She makes the point that each person who runs a website has to weigh their own tolerance for risk and act accordingly. I thought it was an interesting article that describes the situation very well. Here’s a quote from the beginning (with my emphasis added):
“In September of 2005, the FBI formed an anti-obscenity task force to crack down on pornography. Any website that has content containing “bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior” can be shut down. Not only can the FBI shut down your website, but they can initiate a criminal prosecution for obscenity, which is a felony and is punishable by jail time. It is this criminal charge that is the most challenging problem for any website owner, because once you are charged by the FBI with the federal offence of obscenity, you are pretty much screwed because the legal costs of defending yourself create an untenable situation.”
Pretty scary-sounding stuff. Of course, we can’t all live in fear. If you’re not doing anything illegal, you take reasonable precautions, and you can live with any potential risks, then I think there’s no reason to change what you’re doing. There are too many people out there who don’t want you to express who you are and who would prefer to criminalize nearly all adult material. This can’t be. It’ll be interesting to see any future developments, and how soon or how long it’ll take for the current political climate to shift.
Ever since I’ve been online I’ve had a really hard time trying to select a last name for my Sandra identity. I’ve played around with several different ones but have never really felt happy with any of them. So for the longest time I’ve been Sandra T. (as in TG or tranny), but I’m kind of tired of just having an initial.
A few weeks ago I was thinking about just using my real last name, the one I was born with, which is Gibbons. I actually feel pretty comfortable being Sandra Gibbons. When I ask myself, “What would my last name be if I had been born female?” Well, obviously it would be my family name. I can also imagine it being the name of a librarian or school teacher, which totally fits into my fascination with the good girl in bondage fantasy. (The funny thing is when you do a Google search there actually are several Sandra Gibbons’s out there who work in Academia.)
One of my major goals in life is to be completely open and honest about my identity. Using my real name seems consistent with that goal, but I wonder, am I being crazy? Would this somehow come back to haunt me or cause problems? It’s not like I’m actually legally changing my name to Sandra Gibbons (though that idea does really turn me on – even the more androgynous Sandy (or “Sandi”) would be really cool.) The thing is, I find when I don’t hide myself, I’m always happier.
I’ve had this crazy idea for a while that it would be really neat to walk from the middle of L.A., where I live, all the way to the beach. I had today off, so I started out this morning just outside the Los Feliz area and headed down Santa Monica Boulevard about 13 miles until I found myself on the Santa Monica Pier looking down at the water. My toes were so damn sore by the time I got there. Let’s just say I didn’t wear any heels on this outing (Yeah, bummer, I was in boy mode – Hey, maybe next time).
I was struck by all the homeless people I met along the way, some scary, some nice. I get the feeling this world of ours isn’t sustainable the way we’re going. Our social problems are so shocking but no one has any idea what to do about them.