I’m not real crazy about shopping but do a fair amount of it to get new outfits for taking pictures and going out. For more fetish-ey kinds of things I often just buy online, which has its own hassles with returning things that don’t fit, but I also go shopping locally at places like Ross, Macy’s, Burlington Coat Factory and even Target occasionally. And like I’ve mentioned before, even after all these years, I’ll sometimes get insecure about being a guy looking at women’s clothes. I was talking to another CD the other day who said the same thing. He was planning to go out shopping in guy mode, made it into the store, and then lost his nerve and turned around and just kept walking. I’m sure many of us could relate, as it is often considered a bit odd, or at least unusual, to see a man browsing in the women’s department, whereas the reverse is no big deal at all.
To be honest, I’ve done it so much that I usually do pretty well but if I feel at all nervous it’s usually worse in the first ten minutes. Once I find an item that’s a possibility that usually relaxes me and I just focus on the hunt and get into it. Or if there’s a good song on the Muzak – I heard Macy Gray this afternoon – that can often put me at ease. But starting out can sometimes be slightly uncomfortable, especially since I’m sort of a nervous type to begin with. I know a few other CDs who have this relaxed confidence about them and who never seem to get rattled – yeah, that’s never been me. I’ve also known one or two who have an almost defiant quality to going out, and that’s something I also hope to avoid as it just comes off as angry and as if they have a chip on their shoulder (which, well, they seem to).
Of course, like so many things in life, it’s all a mental game. Most people really don’t care and if they notice or wonder about me at all it’s probably just a passing thought about the tall guy with shaggy hair over there looking at dresses. Then there’s also the whole question of going out shopping while dressed, which is something that I’ve never really enjoyed that much, as I feel like it draws even more attention to me than if I’m just some dude, and ironically enough, for someone who has lots of bondage pictures of themselves online, I don’t really enjoy being a center of attention when I’m out and about. I know other CDs who swear by shopping while dressed and say that’s definitely the way to go. In fact there’s a local CD and her wife who have suggested I should go with them, so I might try it again at some point.
So again, the real challenge is just in that space between my ears. Maybe I just need a nice prescription for some Xanax.
