It’s surprising to me that after dressing and going out for quite some time, I’ll still sometimes have those moments of doubt and even shame that go with crossdressing. It doesn’t happen often, maybe a few times a year, but every now and then that old stuff will pop up. I had a moment like that a couple days ago when I needed to let a non-kinky person know that I was a crossdresser, and suddenly I felt really insecure about sharing, which surprised me since I’m probably ninety percent out of the closet, with family and friends all knowing about my “lifestyle,” with varying degrees of comfort and understanding. I wasn’t too upset about my insecure moment, but I did have to sit for a moment and I thought, “Oh wow, I’m feeling how I used to feel back in my 20s and 30s.”
I’ve heard from a few CDs who claim that they never have any doubts anymore about dressing, and maybe they don’t, though I’m always a little skeptical (I mean, never?) Sometimes too, you’ll run into that “I-don’t-give-a-damn-what-you-think” attitude (usually with a stronger word than “damn”), which is one way to handle it but so often it just comes off as a chip on the shoulder. Obviously, what we do is still considered creepy and unacceptable by so many people that it’s just challenging to be confident about it all the time while living on this planet. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having doubts at times; it’s just how it is and I suspect I’ll have those doubts every now and then till I die. So yeah, I’ve been doing this more seriously for over thirteen years and still have my moments.
Still, I’m not complaining. I don’t want to sound smug but certainly the last five years or so have probably been the best years of my life, certainly way better than when I was younger. Anyone who’s read much of this blog (which I don’t update as much as I used to) knows that I’ve never been a real happy-go-lucky kind of person – some people amaze me how they’re always up and feeling good. Yeah, I’ve never been like that! Instead, I’ve always been a little gloomy, easily seeing the dark side of things and knowing that it could all slip away at any moment. But if I were to round things up to being “happy,” well, then these last few years have probably been the best – and saying that, I’ll probably worry about jinxing it! ;-) I certainly get to do a lot of fun things over the course of the year, going to parties and events and meeting a lot of people, which is great and very rewarding. But like so many people, I have my down times too, but I grind through them and continue on, like most of us do. Usually a good night’s sleep makes a big difference. And coffee, and an occasional glass of wine…
As I mentioned earlier, I just had a big birthday earlier this year too (I was a teenager in the 70s so you can do the math, or look me up on Fetlife) and before it occurred I was quite disappointed and feeling a bit hopeless at times, but now that it’s past it’s like, “Oh, okay, I’m still here and things are fine. What’s next?” So it hasn’t been that big a deal after all. I’m aware of aging but I hope to keep taking pictures for many more years, both as Sandra and also as a photographer, and I think I’ll know when to focus more on the second role. But I’ll always be dressing up and going out. I have a friend well into her 70s who’s still hitting the clubs and going out on dates, and although she’s old she still looks pretty good; she’s an inspiration and I only hope I can follow her example, barring any major unforeseens between now and then.
Being closeted – I don’t want to be too preachy but lately I’ve also heard from a few CDs online who are married and in the closet. I understand how tough it is to come out and live openly – I really do – but I also know that if you have the option at all, being out is way better. It can be so lonely and isolating to keep this stuff hidden, especially from your partner. I actually couldn’t conceive of living like that; I think it would just make me depressed and I’d finally let it slip out. Of course, I’m still single at the moment and don’t know if I’ll ever end up with a woman or other CD / trans girl, or heck, even a guy. It’s certainly possible, but I’m a bit difficult and have my “issues.” Being so out, though, it would have to be with someone who’s kinky or at least doesn’t have a problem with dressing. So who knows? I really look at someone like Grayson Perry, whom I blogged about below, as an amazing example of living openly. His courage and utter balls to do what he does is amazing. Of course, being successful and having some money probably doesn’t hurt…and being a crazy artist!
So, all in all, just some thoughts that have been on my mind the last few days, though I have no deep observations to sum everything up. Life has it’s challenges and also some really fun times. If you’ve read all the way down to here, thanks for indulging me. And if you’re supporting my website now or in the past, I sincerely thank you. Without your support it wouldn’t happen and I really wouldn’t have much going on. I wish everyone the best. Be brave.