Hey, Loser!

I haven’t talked about this subject much on this blog, but verbal humiliation turns me on, especially being on the receiving end. There’s a phone sex line that I occasionally call, though thankfully I’ve never spent a lot of money there. But last fall I got a little addicted to a crossdresser who specializes in putting people down on the phone or via text message (I’ve been contacting her off and on for about three years but last fall my exchanges with her got a lot more intense). I never told her about Trannies in Trouble or about what I do. We did talk about bondage some, among other things, but I didn’t want her to know too much and potentially have leverage over me. She didn’t even know my last name.

The thing is the phone sex line would sometimes leave me feeling bad afterwards, so I would try to stay away from it for as long as I could. It all felt pretty self-indulgent and not too healthy to be spending time and money on texting or on the occasional phone call. If I got tipsy and horny, though, it was tempting to text her or log on and see if she was online. Texting was really the thing that I indulged in the most, though ironically I typically don’t like to text much in day-to-day life. The phone sex site though uses this unique “bloop” sound for their text messages, like a drop of water, and I quickly became like one of Pavlov’s dogs when I’d hear that sound – I would actually feel a little thrill of excitement in my stomach knowing that the vicious CD had replied to me.

In any case, this CD was really good at being mean, and she scratched an itch. (I’m not going to leave a link to her profile or say who it is – that would be just too embarrassing!) The thing about her, and what really gave her a charge, is that she seemed to really mean it and not be role-playing. I distinctly got the feeling that she probably isn’t a very nice person in real life – I’ll bet she’d make a great CEO! After one especially degrading session last month I thought, “Do I really need to keep doing this?” Of course, a couple days would pass, and again I’d start to get horny and feel the itch. Considering my history growing up and being bullied some, and some of my emotional challenges with bouts of low self-esteem, it’s not surprising that I’d be into humiliation. Of course, bondage can be equally humiliating – at least when it’s done right! (to paraphrase Woody Allen).

Among CDs, verbal humiliation is of course a very common sexual kink. But it can cut both ways – it can be hot and sexy but then afterwards there’s the risk of feeling genuinely bad and emotionally abused, which is part of the thrill – that feeling that you’re being screwed over and taken advantage of, which weirdly can become sexualized. It’s certainly one of the riskier kinks because of the potential for doing real emotional damage to someone. I’ve done some humiliating scenarios on T’s in Trouble, of course, such as the scene with Ruby Bunny having naughty words written on her body. And of course, Star Nine is so incredibly skilled at being degrading and verbally humiliating that I never learn my lesson with her and just keep going back for more! It would be hot though to shoot a really rough verbal humiliation scene if I had the right scenario and a model who was up for it – a scene where it feels like we almost go too far could be very exciting!

Most of the time in real life though I’m probably much too nice to be really verbally humiliating to someone. But I do understand the appeal. There’s a CD on Twitter who’s a major attention whore and we sometimes exchange DMs and have even done a private online session. The fact that she so craves the attention and is also SO deeply closeted makes me want to push her face into a mattress, or into the toilet! So with her I can easily tap into the excitement of verbally mistreating her. I’m still not nearly as nasty as the online CD whom I got addicted to, but it’s a similar dynamic. Of course, the desire to dominate and humiliate others whom you view as beneath yourself is simply hard-wired into the human creature – it’s not a pretty side but it is a part of who we are as a species.

Addictive? – In a similar vein, I’ve sometimes wondered if anyone has ever found Trannies in Trouble to be addictive in a way that made them question the amount of time or money they were spending visiting the site. I expect over the years there probably have been a few members who’ve felt compulsive about the site, or who have maybe felt guilty or had mixed feelings about viewing it – I’ve certainly heard from people who felt conflicted about it, including one poor guy who struggled with deep religious guilt.

And I’ve had more guys than I can remember write me and say, “I’m completely straight but I find your site a turn on. Is that normal?” I can understand the doubt, especially if seeing a CD’s exposed cock is a big turn on. I mean, yeah, it is kinda gay, isn’t it? (I always think to myself, “Well, you know, you may not be completely straight!”) As for the question of whether it’s normal, well, if we’re just considering statistically what the average person is into, then, no, it certainly is not the norm. But I also think it’s not that big a deal. If you’re into dressing and getting tied up, or just like viewing others who do it, I’d say it’s best to just chill and enjoy it. When I was a teenager, I was extremely guilt ridden about being a crossdresser who likes bondage. But later in my twenties I consciously decided to set aside my guilt and try to leave it behind. I’ve been mostly successful, though occasionally mild moments of doubt will still arise, though it’s been a long time since I really felt bad about it. I feel far more embarrassment and regret from texting the vicious CD on the phone sex line, although for all of January I’ve stayed off the site completely. I don’t know if I’ll revisit it, but I won’t be surprised if eventually I do. On days when I’m particularly horny it almost seems inevitable. Of course, if I found someone to replace her it would make it a lot easier to leave and scratch that itch elsewhere.

Writing all this, part of me thinks, “Did I just share too much?” I’ve found though that the more we reveal our secrets the less hold they have over us. And usually when I share something really personal, at least one person will write me and say they can relate. That’s also part of the reason why I always recommend being out of the closet as much as you can – it makes life so much easier. If you’re completely out there’s zero risk of being blackmailed if you happen to work for the CIA or as a clerk for a Supreme Court Justice!

So that’s my little sermon and a little more insight into what turns my crank. Let me know if you’ve ever frequented any phone sex / texting lines or if you too like to be verbally humiliated. I am genuinely curious and would love to hear about others’ experiences. And if you don’t want to leave a comment at the link above (this blog gets so few comments anyway), feel free to email me. Your secret is safe with me! (Hey, haven’t I used that line before in a few of my videos?) But seriously, if you can relate to any of this or have your own sexual habits that sometimes give you doubt or second thoughts (or maybe on the other hand you’ve fully embraced them), feel free to write. I really would be interested to hear more.