I had a nice flight on Delta to Atlanta the other day and am just having a nice time visiting with my parents here. Thankfully I didn’t have any of the airport woes that are afflicting the east coast. Hope everyone’s having a nice end of the year these last few days!
I feel bad that I’ve fallen behind on my email again, as I know there are probably quite a few people out there who are wondering why I don’t write back. It’s really nothing personal, I’ve just gotten overwhelmed with the messages. Once it reaches a certain point, with over 100 or more emails that are flagged for replies, I usually reach a point where I forget about the older ones and just never get to them. I do apologize if I’ve forgotten you – it’s probably just lost in the queue. Sometimes writing me again with a new short message is better, though even then there are no guarantees when it gets this bad ;-)
I really enjoy this time of year and always wish that the lead up to Christmas could last even longer than it does. It definitely is one of my favorite times of year. And at the same time, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a believer. I sometimes wish I were but as the years roll by it becomes even less and less likely that I ever will be. Like I’ve said before, I like Jesus; it’s religion I don’t care for. I’m certainly not an atheist either, though, as that also takes way too much faith and certainty. I’m just your plain ol’ garden-variety agnostic. As in most things in life, heck, I don’t know.
I do sometimes enjoy going to the Episcopal Cathedral on Christmas Eve, though, which I did last night with my sister in law (I was in guy mode, of course). They have really great music that I always love. And I probably shouldn’t admit this but seeing some of the women who really dress up can be an added bonus. Last night we were sitting at the end of the pew and there was a beautiful young woman next to me in a folding chair that had an obstructed view behind a column. She had blonde hair with highlights, a gorgeous black and white striped dress, and knee high boots. I always feel like a total perv to be looking at women in church but it was hard not to notice her. Strangely she was alone, as she looked like someone who should be married to a doctor or a lawyer. I politely suggested that she could probably move her seat up to this open spot ahead of us and get a better view, which she did and thanked me for (as if I was going to mind her sitting in front of us!)
Of course I desired her (and hopefully I kept that well hidden, which I think I did) but as is so often the case, what I really saw when I looked at her is an image of what I wish I could be but of course never will. That always kind of sucks and just causes an aching pain inside, and in some ways it’s easier not to see women like this – the ones that I desire AND want to be – the classic transvestite dilemma. And that weird mixture of feelings doesn’t subside till later when she’s out of my view. Still, it did strike me as odd that she was alone. It always seems strange when you see a really beautiful person, female or male, who’s alone at an event or a restaurant or someone who never seems to be in a relationship, and there’s a tendency to wonder what’s wrong with them. Maybe nothing, and who knows what her full story is. I’ve had people wonder the same thing about me – though I’m certainly no beauty like this woman was – but I had one friend ask me quite pointedly – You’re attractive and seem nice, how come you’re never dating anyone? I think I just mumbled something or other. Another friend once said to me, Well, we all have our handicaps though some are less visible than others.
Anyway, it was a really nice time and nice hanging out with my sister in law. It’s been a fairly quiet holiday but a good one, and I’m flying to Atlanta in a couple days to see my parents these final few days. Merry Christmas and all the best to everyone in the new year!
Here we are almost at the end of another year. I can’t complain (though I will.) I’m paying my bills, I have a pretty nice apartment and a car that runs and friends and family who care about me. Things are okay and at the same time I’d say that 2010 has been…fair. Obviously many people out there are having a much tougher time and many are barely getting by. So I try to be grateful for what I have – I’m doing well. I’m the kind of person, though, who always has that vague feeling that “there’s gotta be more than this.” And yet there probably isn’t. Sometimes I’ll think, if I only made more money, if I could travel more, if I were younger, if I had religion, a nicer car, a bigger apartment, blah blah blah. Nah, this is it right now for good and bad. And really it’s not that bad at all.
As for my move to Denver, it’s been interesting and still hard to say how well it’s going. I’ve met some very nice people since I’ve been here, which I’m grateful for, and also some not so nice. (For example, what was with those catty remarks from that CD the other night?) Believe me – I’m only half joking ;-) I thought that Colorado would feel much more like home than L.A. did, and I guess it does, but to be honest I’m not completely sure. And in any case, home does have a way of sometimes giving one the willies. I still suspect though that I’ll be here for quite some time to come as I don’t know if there really is a perfect place to be. I heard a funny account on “This American Life” on the radio recently about “the mediocrity principle,” the scientific notion that there really is nothing special about humans or the earth, that we share 96% of our DNA with chimpanzees and occupy a minor planet in a minor wing of a minor galaxy. And the upshot is that no particular place is any more special than any other place in the world. So Denver’s as good as any.
Well, not to end on a downer note, and I want to emphasize that things really are going quite well. Like many, I just always get reflective and a bit melancholy this time of year. Let’s hope for the best for the next decade – wait, did it start in 2010 or does the new one start in 2011? Well, in any case let’s hope for the best whatever it is! And if you’re reading this, have a nice time during these final weeks. Be with friends and family if you can and, well, maybe get tied up or tie up some other willing captive if you have the chance! Happy Holidays!
I ordered some photo prints from snapfish the other day and a couple days later got this nice email offer for a little Sandra scrapbook. I checked out the sample pages online and apparently someone (probably being paid minimum wage) put a lot of effort into laying out the pictures, as they appeared to be placed almost by theme. I’m almost tempted to buy it – they did a really nice job! I especially like the email they sent me though, with the nice juxtaposition between my bondage pictures up top and the nice mother and child below. It’s just very very wrong.
Also Been listening to: Lily Allen’s The Fear. Crazy chick and “so f***ing fantastic.” Love that accent!
I saw this low-budget movie on Amazon pay per view the other night called “Captives.” When I saw the picture below with the dramatic red text I thought, “Hmm, I’ll have to check that out.” Well, as is almost always the case in “regular” movies, if you’re looking for a good bondage scene, you’ll be disappointed. But in some ways I still kind of liked it for the set up and concept, which is quite good. A thrill-seeking couple, Jim and Naomi, have car trouble and stop in front of the house of a boring couple, Neil and Jane. The four of them end up having dinner together and the talk turns to a hypothetical discussion about someone consenting to their own kidnapping. Now that’s one of my favorite fantasies so I had to watch the whole thing!
In some ways it’s almost like a slow art film, with long stretches of dialogue, and it takes forever for anything to happen. They also mix up the timeline, like in “Pulp Fiction,” but without any real payoff for doing it. Everyone is quite attractive, though, especially the two female leads, and in a strange way I did kind of like it, and I thought it was a good effort for the director’s first movie, and definitely better than expected. The best scene, I thought, was in the middle of the movie where Jane calls Naomi and tentatively asks her about that “plot” they were talking about and whether she was serious about it. She wants to go through with it, just for the excitement of something new, and you can see the wheels turning in her head as she agrees to it. The scene works really well and I found it pretty hot, I have to admit. (Notice in the picture below the cuckoo clock behind Jane’s head – symbolism, perhaps?)
When you get to the actual bondage much later it’s a total letdown. Actually the picture below with her gagged is better than the actual scene. Not to give too much away, but Jane ends up tied up with another person, back to back, but their hands are tied in front, they’re not tied to each other, they’re not tied to the chairs, their legs aren’t tied at all (!), and they’re gagged with simple cleave gags. All they’d have to do is stand up and undo each other’s hands, or just look down and untie their own with their teeth. It’s utterly lame. It all ends on a tragic note, though, which is kind of interesting for this kind of movie, although they give it away way too early.
So the payoff doesn’t work too well, but I find in these kinds of movies that I often enjoy the lead up and the sense of danger beforehand anyway, which is pretty good in a couple scenes. The acting is nothing extraordinary, but really the bad girl, Naomi, is quite good. And the boring housewife and kidnap victim, Jane, is good too as a woman who’s kind of shut down and would like to experience some excitement. I really came away thinking, “Wow, I’d love to make something like this with a tranny angle and good bondage,” although making a full length movie with a crew is way out of my budget range. Oh, there’s another movie out there also called “Captives” with Tim Roth – that’s not it. This one has unknown actors and is directed by Randall Chu. I wonder if he knew bondage fetishists would be checking out his movie for sexy scenes. Of course, with a movie poster like that maybe he’s one of us…
The subject of passing has been on my mind lately, and I hope that I don’t say anything here that offends anyone, which I really don’t intend. I’ll be the first to admit that I do not pass and that the standard that I hold for passing is pretty high – namely, if I’m out and I’m talking face to face to someone whom I’ve just met, what do they see? Do they see a woman, or a crossdresser, or are they not quite sure? I know from my own experience that when people talk to me they see a crossdresser, which obviously means I don’t pass. I’ve had people say things like, “Oh, at first I thought you were a real woman,” and things like that, but, yeah, when people interact with me I’m not fooling anyone. There are too many tell-tale signs – I’m six feet tall, have a low voice, big hands, wear heavy makeup to hide the beard, and have the muscles and tendons of a physically-active male. I’ve had people who have only seen my pictures online say that I most definitely pass, but pictures really don’t tell the full story – there’s no voice and no real-life 3D interaction. When I get together with other crossdressers, especially in TG support groups or get-togethers, I’ll sometimes hear, “Oh, no, honey, you pass great!” And I always think they must be on crack cocaine, but I’m nice and keep it to myself.
I’ve had other incidents – this actually happened about a year ago – where someone was trying to cheer up someone else and they turned to me and said, “Jane doesn’t think she passes. Tell her she’s wrong!” I think I must have had a deer in the headlights look, for I thought Jane’s assessment of the situation was pretty accurate.
Now I have to stress that there’s nothing wrong with not passing. Passing is way overblown in importance. As Lacey Leigh says in her book “Out and About…,” which I wrote about recently in an earlier post, it’s far more important to go out in the world with an air of self-respect and dignity, for generally people will mirror back at you whatever it is that you project. Sure, we would all love to pass brilliantly, but to be honest, I’d have to say I don’t really know any crossdressers (me included) that pass according to my criteria – talking face to face with someone we’ve just met. There are a few I can think of who come close some of the time, but I still think the question (Is she a tranny?) is going to be hanging in the air even for them. So for crossdressers, I’d say probably none of us really pass. There are always those times when it’s dark out and someone sees us at a distance getting out of our car and they might see a woman, although even that can be a pretty high hurdle to clear if someone’s really paying attention. Really though, if I’m going to pass I want to do it in face to face interactions. Nope, ain’t gonna happen.
As for transsexuals that live full-time, the discouraging thing is that there are lots of transsexuals who don’t do much better, although of course there is that small group of transsexuals who pull it off brilliantly – maybe 5 or 10 percent of them. Quite often the ones who pass effortlessly (and I know there’s nothing effortless about it at all!) transitioned when they were teenagers and some of them raise passing to an art form. It’s truly amazing, and always fills me with envy, when you meet a transsexual like this, where there’s not a hint of masculinity and where if you didn’t know otherwise, you would just think you were talking to a genetic woman – in fact the question of her being trans probably wouldn’t even cross your mind. As for living “stealth” – blending in seamlessly and keeping one’s trans identity hidden – some in the trans community criticize those TG women who do that, but if they can pull it off I say more power to them. And ironically, I’ve read other bloggers who have observed that sometimes transsexuals who pass really well aren’t necessarily that pretty, that their plainness can sometimes help them to blend in and appear like a woman whom you might walk by and not notice at Target. That’s not always the case, of course, as there are some stunning TS women who pass brilliantly but it’s an interesting observation.
Now I have a few friends who are transsexual and I hope they won’t hate me for saying all this. And I hope I don’t sound judgmental. I just know for myself that I don’t want to fall into that common trap of believing that, “Oh, yes, I pass one hundred percent.” I don’t, and I think some of the crossdressers who say that (I’ve certainly heard it more than once) are confusing looking nice with passing, or not being hassled with passing, or not drawing much attention to themselves as passing. Clearly none of those things constitute passing if the person who sees you still sees a crossdresser. Thankfully, most people aren’t going to hassle you or make a scene – and most people are generally too busy living their own lives that they really don’t care.
One thing to remember though is that those who don’t pass, and who go out and are seen – they’re the ones who will slowly make changes in society’s attitude towards crossdressers and TG people. Being out and visible in the world is what makes a difference, much like the progress that gays and lesbians have made for themselves simply by refusing to stay hidden. We still have a long way to go but tolerance will continue to increase for the various types of TG people out there.
So to wrap up this very long post – Am I just being a catty bitch for saying all this? I hope not. But like I say above, there does seem to be some self-delusion among some crossdressers and trans girls when you occasionally hear that, “Oh, I pass one hundred percent” comment. Like I say, I really would love to pass – it would be an incredible thrill! But I know my limitations. I do try to look as nice as I can, but again that’s not passing. I always say, heck, if there’s a doctor who can make me into a beautiful twenty-year old girl, I’ll sign up! I’ve certainly had thoughts of living full-time, although since a big part of my dressing is fueled by my sexual fetishism, I’m not sure that it would really be such a good idea. It would probably make it feel much more like a daily chore and much less fun, and it would certainly involve a two-hour preparation every morning to get ready and probably another hour and a half every evening for maintenance and pre-preparation for the next morning! I don’t think I could keep it up! And I really hope that as I get older I don’t reach the point that some CD’s come to, where the itch to live full-time is so strong that they can’t resist it. Some even decide to get the surgery when they’re far into middle-age, as the awareness of one’s mortality does have a way of making those things come to the fore. But to wrap this up, I think just going out and having fun and trying not to worry about passing so much really is the most sensible route to go, whether you just dress on the weekends or decide to go full-time. It really should be an enjoyable thing and not a test that leaves one feeling like a failure. Still, if you hear about that doctor, do let me know…
Congratulations to Dyan Silver who won the ballgag giveaway! Thanks to everyone who signed up and left a comment – I hope to do another one in a few months so check back here or sign up at the Yahoo Group for future announcements. Happy Holidays!
I have way too much bondage stuff and have several ballgags to give away this holiday season to one lucky reader! I was cleaning out my drawers and found 4 thin-strapped ballgags from the Sub-shop (the balls are approximate 1 3/4″) and two trainer style gags – and several of them have never been used at all. Of course, they’ve all been cleaned and are in good shape. So If you’d like all six of these, your odds of getting them are pretty good. It’s real easy – just do two simple things:
1) Subscribe to this blog. You can do that on the little subscribe bar over on the right above my picture, where you can subscribe through various services such as Google or MyYahoo. Or you can scroll down a ways and look for “Entries RSS” near the bottom of the right sidebar (under Meta) and that will also take you to the RSS feed page. If you’re already a subscriber here, then no worries. And it is a “slow blog” – I only post when I have something to say, so you won’t get slammed with updates.
2) Leave a comment on this post. You don’t even have to say much – just a hello will do, or whatever you’d like. Of course, nasty or spammy comments will be deleted. And be sure to enter your email address so I can contact you if you win – don’t worry, I won’t spam you.
Like I say, several of these have never been worn. But if you’ve been on my site you might recognize the multi-colored red one on the left.
In about two weeks I’ll use ramdom.org to choose one of the comments and I’ll email you for an address that I can send the ballgags to (so don’t post your address here, of course), and then I’ll personally put them in the mail to you, postage paid by me. Even if you’re on the other side of the globe I’ll send them to you (though it may take a little while to get there). That’s it. You don’t have to buy anything or join my paysite or anything like that. And of course I’ll send the package discreetly, just a box with an address on it and my return address just in case.
So if only three people leave comments here, you’ll have a very good chance of getting these! Thanks for checking this out and Happy Holidays!
Well, it’s been a while since I’ve done any blogging and I wish I could say it’s because I’ve been so busy having fun, but actually I’ve just been wracking my brain to think of something to write about. With all that activity from my recent L.A. trip things have been a lot quieter by comparison back in Colorado. I did have a really fun shoot the other day with AmberKatt, sort of an end of the year theme to it where I’m reflecting on the tough year that it’s been (not really that tough) and then being interrupted by an intruder with a roll of duct tape (and that tape was tight!) Here are a couple preview shots below, with the full set going up in a couple weeks.
Tomorrow night I am going out with some TG girls from a local Meetup group that could be interesting. We’ll be having dinner at Hamburger Mary’s and then heading off to Tracks, Denver’s biggest gay dance club, which I’ve yet to visit. I always hate walking into a group of new people – I think I’ll know at least one other girl – but I’m hoping for the best.
Random Justin Bieber Observations: When I see all the posters and notebooks with his pictures on them I wonder if this stuff will be worth something in twenty years, or is it just junk (not that I’m going to start collecting any of it). But you wonder. I also wonder if his stratospheric success is going to mess him up as an adult in another five or ten years, with the inevitable “Whatever happened to…?” Anyway, I don’t even like his music, but whatever “it” is, he’s got it in spades. And I still think he would make an incredible chick.
Been listening to: Wow, “Fuck You” (I just like typing that) by the fabulous Cee Lo Green is really catchy – and what a fun video!
