I was driving home the other night and heard this awesome cover on the radio of Cat Power doing Bob Dylan’s “Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again.” You can hear it on the MySpace Music page for the new Dylan movie, “I’m Not There.” I’ve been so busy lately, but I’m dying to see it.

I’m always looking for talented bondage photographers to work with for my website, and I recently added a new paragraph on my model call page including photographers. I have several friends who are very good at shooting and tying, but many of them are very busy and the need to keep shooting new material never ends, so I always have my eyes and ears open for new photographers to add to the pool of talent. Here in L.A. there are tons of really good shooters, but it’s the bondage rigging that’s the hard thing to find. And there are also tons of “guys with a camera” out there, but if they’re not into bondage or don’t know how to tie it’s tough to make it work. Of course, there are exceptions to that rule, as one of the photographers I work with isn’t even really into bondage but is a real fast learner and amazingly has shot some of the hottest pics on the site (but who that is will remain a secret). ;-)

So if you’re one of those rare skilled bondage riggers / photographers and you want to work with trannies, send me an email from my website (link on the bottom left) and let me know your rates and experience. I can’t guarantee anything, but I’m always looking.

We had a good turnout last night at Club Fantasy, probably around 25 people, which for a Friday night is very good for us. And we also had a cool special guest stop by, Jay Wiseman, the author of many excellent kinky books including SM 101 and the Erotic Bondage Handbook. He’s a great guy and gives lots of outstanding talks and presentations all over the world. He actually has a new bondage presentation he’s giving Monday night at Threshold in N. Hollywood. I can’t attend unfortunately but I put in an order for his new DVD covering the same material. If you can make it he’s always very entertaining and informative.

So I was on MySpace earlier and someone posted a link to this quiz asking, Will you make it to heaven? It actually blows my mind that so many people still believe in a vengeful god who will consign us to heaven or hell, but that’s for another blog post. “What the hell,” (pun intended), I said, and I took the quiz. Amazingly, at the very end in order to get the results, I had to agree to receive spam from one of several mortgage processors. I couldn’t believe it! We’re talking about my eternal soul here, and this thing is sponsored by a loan officer? I guess the verdict is still out…

I’ve been officially off prozac now for about a month and a half. I don’t really notice any difference, which is good, except that some of the minor side effects, such as lowered libido, are definitely gone – a nice side effect to be rid of ;-) I do sometimes wonder, though, when I have the inevitable bad days if the lows aren’t sometimes a little lower. It’s really hard to say, though, and might just be my self-absorbed tendency to over-examine things. And since it’s only been such a short time that I’ve been drug free it’s probably impossible to really tell one way of the other.

I do have to really stay on top of exercising though. There have been several medical studies done that have shown that regular exercise can give the same benefits – sometimes even better benefits – than using anti-depressants. I tend to walk and hike so much anyway that my right knee sometimes gets a little sore. So I have to do the pilates mat exercises on days when it’s acting up. I just don’t want to backslide, and I really don’t want this blog to turn into a daily examination of The Moods of Sandra. That would be really boring.

So Mistress Cyan’s Thanksgiving Slave Auction turned out to be a lot of fun. I was feeling hesitant about really going up on the auction block, but when the moment came I finally took the plunge and went up as a “Bondage Switch.” I’m really basically a bottom but somehow presenting myself as a switch felt safer. There was a minor bidding war between a couple people in the crowd, which was great for my ego, and finally it went to a really nice lesbian couple whom I’d only just chatted with for a couple moments before going up on stage. They turned out to be really cool and really nice people and I had a great time. I even got to be wrapped up in plastic later in the evening, which I just LOVE!

I believe there’s another auction coming up on December 8th. I’m not sure if I can make that one but if you plan to go they fill up fast, so send in your RSVPs. (Check the following post for the link to the event info.)

I just wanted to post a quick notice that Mistress Cyan’s Thanksgiving Slave Auction to collect food for the needy is going on this Saturday at Dragonsgate Studios in Orange County, CA. If you’re interested in attending you need to RSVP like yesterday. It’s filling up fast. I’m planning to offer my services and go up on the auction block as a switch. Obviously I’m really a bottom but I can tie some mean knots for anyone who’d like to end up bound and gagged.

Here’s a link in the SoCal BDSM Events Group with more information on the party. (You may have to log in or join the Group if you’re not a member already.) Hope to see you there.

Anyone who’s read this blog much knows that I’m a big fan of self help books and programs. So this last weekend I did the Advanced Course at Landmark Education (which presents the Landmark Forum, which I did in June.) I could report all kinds of things, but the one area that really struck me was seeing how pervasive my tendency to hide is. And it’s not like I didn’t know this about myself beforehand, but it just really hit home in a much bigger way than it has in the past with other programs and therapists that I’ve seen over the years.

I’ve talked before about this incident from when I was a child, when some boys at a church were goofing around and played a game of crossdressing in order to amuse some of the adults that were nearby in the next room. I really wanted to play along with them but was terrified that people would know it was more than just fooling around for me, that I really really wanted to dress up like, and even be, a girl. So I felt I couldn’t take the risk and I stayed quiet while the other boys were clowning around. Looking back I’m amazed that they even had the balls to do such a thing anyway, but who knows? Maybe they were really into dressing up too, just with more bravery about it? Or maybe not? I’ll never know.

But it was a really traumatic incident for me and I remember thinking that I’ve got to hide this part of myself or I’ll be judged and shamed. This one incident had a huge impact on my life and led me to hide not just my crossdressing desires but just about everything else that I felt might get me into trouble. And over the years those things that I had to hide just grew and grew until finally hiding myself was just the default way of operating in the world, even hiding stuff that didn’t have anything to do with my sexuality. I just became a “hider.” If there was any doubt, the best response was to hide.

It makes me sad now at how persistent that tendency is and how it’s impacted my life and affected the people in my life whom I love. And although I’ve always known I had this tendency I really saw it much clearer this weekend and feel a new commitment to dealing with it and putting it behind me. No, it’s not going to go away, but just knowing the persistent negative ways in which we deal with the world is huge. It gives us the chance to actually do something about it instead of operating automatically. So that’s me tonight. No more hiding.

Landmark – There’s a part of me that’s reluctant to recommend Landmark, fearing that people will think that I’m just a big sucker, as the courses aren’t cheap – The Forum costs about $495, depending on where you live. In any case, here’s a guy I like on “43 things” who has a nice description of the Forum. He’s a bit cynical about it but actually gives a good description of a lot of the concepts and suggests that even with his cynicism that it was a good and worthwhile experience.