Yesterday I was in the airport in Ontario, CA, watching a young mother who had three young children to travel with. They were running around and playing and generally have a great time. And what really struck me was how utterly un-selfconscious they were. It was amazing. At a certain point in life we all start having the joy and spontaneity beaten out of us, and we start to learn that we aren’t okay the way we are, that people will hurt us, that we’re on our own, that things generally just aren’t okay in the world. But before that, we’re alive and full of joy and playing in the airport terminal. I almost wished there were some way to protect them from what’s to come, but alas…

I recently got to see Eddie Izzard’s stand-up routine the other night with a very generous friend who snagged some tickets. He’s absolutely brilliant – he does this routine about houseflies that had me laughing my ass off. Whenever I’ve seen him on his recorded shows he’s usually dressed in some fashion or other, though this night he was in boy mode. Either way he’s priceless. If you get a chance to see him you won’t regret it.

I wanted to dress for the show, but it’s been hot as hell all week and I had no desire to go out earlier for dinner with makeup dripping off my face. So I went in my modified androgynous mode, where I try to look more like a musician than a crossdresser – tight jeans and a studded belt, a tight stretchy top, girl’s gym shoes, and eyeliner and dangley earrings. It’s really much more comfortable than doing the full makeup thing, which often leaves me feeling like I’m wearing a mask with a layer of sweat between it and my skin. Even in this manner of dress, I get a lot of looks walking down the street, most just curious but every now and then you see someone who looks confused or maybe even a little offended or something. Of course, who knows what’s really going through anyone’s head? I want to avoid confrontations and always avoid getting into any “stare-downs” with anyone. But it just really shows, even if you push that gender barrier just a little bit, it’s gonna get noticed, for better or worse.

I’m going to be at FetishCon this August in Tampa and am really looking forward to it. I’ve had friends who’ve gone in the past and loved it, but I’ve actually never been to any kink conventions outside of L.A., where DomCon is held. There’ll be a lot of great models and photographers whom I’ve been a fan of for years. So it should be quite an experience and I don’t really have any idea what to expect.

I can sometimes be a little quiet and shy in big groups so if you see me there, please come up and say hi. Believe me, I’ll really appreciate it. I’ll be there for the whole four days, from August 9th till the 12th, and hopefully will have a chance to do some shooting while I’m there. I’ll also be looking to maybe do some “trade” shoots with other models or webmasters (one set for you, one set for me, or something like that). And if any “fans” have custom private shoots they want to do with me tied up, drop me an email from the Trannies site. My rates vary depending on the scene, no sex or cock shots though. Yeah, I’m a big ‘ho.

It was another good party at Club Fantasy tonight. I’m beat, it’s nearly 2:00 AM, but it turned out to be another fun one. I got to tie up a couple girls, including a cute new girl for whom I believe this was one of her first times dressing and her first time ever being tied up. It’s fun to corrupt the young ones. I’m still a little wired from the post-party excitement so I’m just farting around on the web before I call it a night.

I brought a bunch of heels to give away and my friend Blair brought some things too. We were able to give away quite a bit but I still have a big bag left over that I guess is going to the thrift store. Hopefully I won’t buy back my own discarded heels the next time I’m out shopping there.

So tomorrow, Friday, June 15th, I’m bringing about 15 pairs of heels to the Club Fantasy party in N. Hollywood to give away. There are some strappy heels and some ridiculously tall platforms and a few others, mostly in size 12 womens, though there are a few other sizes that other people have given me to bring. And quite a few of them have never been worn at all. They’re just taking up space in my tiny apartment and they have to go. I’ll take anything left over to the Out of the Closet thrift store, one of my favorite places.

See you tomorrow in Hollywoodland!

(Update late 2010 – since doing the Forum more than three years ago my interest in Landmark Education has dropped way off, though it’s still always interesting talking to others who have done it or who are still active in it and hearing what they think of it. I did two other Landmark classes after the Forum but frankly they were very unsatisfying in comparison, and in fact the last one I took was very unpleasant and anxiety-provoking. I don’t really regret doing Landmark, though my bank account is a little smaller. However, would I really recommend it to anyone? No, not really – unless you really really love this sort of thing.)

I haven’t been online much this last week because I was busy over the weekend doing the Landmark Forum. It’s an intense three-day seminar that’s designed to make you look at your life and how you’re living it. It grew out of the est workshops that were started by Werner Erhard back in the 70s. It’s a fairly controversial program. A lot of people have taken it and say it has had a powerful and positive impact on their life. Critics, on the other hand, have accused it of being a cult or of using mind control techniques. A friend who took the seminar earlier this year introduced it to me and I was curious enough that I reluctantly signed up for it. I did it in “Robert” mode.

It is very intense: three 12-hour days in a row. And it’s designed to be confrontational and to really make you look at your shit. I’d have to say it was one of the most intense things I’ve done in a very long time. I resisted it a lot and had many ups and downs over the weekend, more downs than ups, to be honest. But last night there was a short wrap-up evening session and it really brought it all together for me. Before last night I was feeling a little bit freaked out by it.

The funny thing is that there really isn’t much that you need to “buy into” or understand when you’re doing it. It’s certainly not a religion, and although they present many concepts or “distinctions,” as they call them, there’s no pressure that you have to agree or accept anything. It’s also very much concerned with your relationships to friends and family and other people, which leads me to discount the cult charges. Cults are groups that tend to separate people from their families and from others, and create an insular and structured group that has the “right answer.” The Landmark Forum on the other hand is nearly obsessive about your relationships with others and about making even stronger and more authentic connections with other people.

Would I recommend it? If you’re drawn towards this kind of thing, then yes, I definitely would. It’s an experience that’s hard to put into words, and what each person gets out of it is unique. You could write down a long list of the “distinctions” that they present but without the experience of being there it’s just not the same thing at all.

Also, it’s quite expensive – $450 dollars. But having finished it I’d have to say that the money is now a non-issue. It was a really wild up and down ride, but I’d do it again just like that.

Oh, and the gender and kink stuff weren’t even much of an issue over the weekend. I told a few people what I do for a living but I could have not brought it up and I don’t think it would have made a difference to the experience one way or the other.

Some other links and perspectives:

Landmark Education on Wikipedia

Landmark Forum on the Skeptics Dictionary

I’ve just been getting ready a new set of pictures from my last visit with crazy Rebecca H. Heels. I’ll be posting the full set for this Friday’s update on the Ts in Trouble site. It’ll be a self-bondage scene with heavy cuffs, and as always she gave me a totally over-the-top look. Here’s a little preview.

I was feeling a little down the other morning, though I sprang back pretty quickly. Like I’ve mentioned before, women scare me, especially when they’re attractive. I think part of the reason it’s easier to do bondage play and to fool around with other tgs or with guys is because I know I’m not going to develop some deep emotional attachment, and figure they’re not going to feel that way about me either. The only times in life that I’ve felt as though I were falling in love was with “real” women. But at the same time, there’s that little voice of self-doubt inside that expects to be rejected by women (because I’m a transvestite). Of course, real life has shown that that’s not always the case – yes, many women would not want to be with a tranny, but there are some out there who don’t mind, and a few who might even be into it. But those old patterns of self-doubt die hard.

Anyway, I was out the other night, just in guy mode, doing some volunteer work for a group I sometimes get together with. A new girl was there and I felt really nervous around her. I wasn’t even that particularly attracted to her but my shyness kicked in and I felt awkward and uptight. Driving home later I found myself growing more and more depressed about it. I try to remind myself at such times that my emotions aren’t dangerous and that there’s really nothing to be worried about, that after a good night’s sleep I’ll be feeling fine. But I still felt pretty down, and lying in bed I had one of those “looking into the void,” moments, where you feel so alone in the world and life feels like a low-grade nightmare. I know that none of this is true – I have friends and family and most of the time life is pretty good. But those dramatic feelings are one of the characteristics of being depressed – that it feels deep and “dangerous,” as though if it were to continue I would never recover. That never happens, of course, and yes, after a night’s sleep, or a long walk around the neighborhood, I’m usually back.