I was feeling a little down the other morning, though I sprang back pretty quickly. Like I’ve mentioned before, women scare me, especially when they’re attractive. I think part of the reason it’s easier to do bondage play and to fool around with other tgs or with guys is because I know I’m not going to develop some deep emotional attachment, and figure they’re not going to feel that way about me either. The only times in life that I’ve felt as though I were falling in love was with “real” women. But at the same time, there’s that little voice of self-doubt inside that expects to be rejected by women (because I’m a transvestite). Of course, real life has shown that that’s not always the case – yes, many women would not want to be with a tranny, but there are some out there who don’t mind, and a few who might even be into it. But those old patterns of self-doubt die hard.
Anyway, I was out the other night, just in guy mode, doing some volunteer work for a group I sometimes get together with. A new girl was there and I felt really nervous around her. I wasn’t even that particularly attracted to her but my shyness kicked in and I felt awkward and uptight. Driving home later I found myself growing more and more depressed about it. I try to remind myself at such times that my emotions aren’t dangerous and that there’s really nothing to be worried about, that after a good night’s sleep I’ll be feeling fine. But I still felt pretty down, and lying in bed I had one of those “looking into the void,” moments, where you feel so alone in the world and life feels like a low-grade nightmare. I know that none of this is true – I have friends and family and most of the time life is pretty good. But those dramatic feelings are one of the characteristics of being depressed – that it feels deep and “dangerous,” as though if it were to continue I would never recover. That never happens, of course, and yes, after a night’s sleep, or a long walk around the neighborhood, I’m usually back.
Hey baby, it’s amazing how similar I feel to what you describe. Specifically about being “afraid” or nervous around GGs that simply is not there with Trannies. The emotions and depression too. It makes me wonder how many others there are out there that are just like us, trannies who like bondage, but are shy around GGs and have depression/anxiety issues. Miss you. Bound hugs and gagged kisses. Miki
Well, not to come off as preachy and I really do not know where you are on the whole religous thing, but I would be derelict in my duty as a Christian and a crossdresser if I didn’t say this. God has put you in this world for a reason. You seem to have a healthy ability to “bounce” back as you say and as long as that works for you I guess I can’t say a lot otherwise. I know this, I find that acceptance of me, began when I realized that not only does God accept me as who I am, He more than likely made me this way too. So, my advice… if you ever get into that mode of not being able to climb out of that self worth issue, remember a couple things… you have a lot of friends who have never met you and only know you through your activites as Sandra and know and love and accept you as you are. My God, do you know how many lives you probably touch in a positive way because of what you are doing? And of course the biggest reason of all to find worth in your self is that God does. OK, nuff said, I’m off my pulpit and on to other things.
Take Care Sandra,
From a Fan and a friend
Victoria
Hi Sandra,
We’ve exchanged brief messages on myspace. I just wanted to let you know that for some of us the difference is a relief. I know a number of cd’s, and i’ve always been glad for their decency, sense of humor and how sensitive they could be. I understand that I’m generalizing, and I apologize for that. Its just that my experience has been really good. Its also very easy to understand how you feel about bondage.
best wishes,
mindi