The last few months I’ve noticed a strange thing on Fetlife. I’ve heard from maybe five or six CDs who write to say hi. We might email back and forth casually a few times and then – Poof! – their profile is gone. Maybe they’ve blocked me, though I tend to doubt that. More likely I would guess they’ve maybe had second thoughts about being visible online and have simply disabled their own profile. Of course in either case they’re basically gone and it’s impossible to send them a follow-up email. It’s happened so many times in the last few months that it’s become a recognizable pattern. I don’t take it personally, as I really don’t think it’s about me at all. The way I read it, it’s just that there are so many closeted CDs out there with such mixed feelings about who they are and what we do. It’s similar in that regard to purging. Someone can come online for a while and talk about dressing and really admit to what they like, and then I’m guessing the fear and doubt set in and they pull away. I do get it and I understand the impulse but it is rather depressing to see this happen so often (along with all those faceless chopped-off-head crossdressing pictures). Obviously so many CDs are just so terribly conflicted. Or hey, maybe it’s something altogether different: I don’t know, maybe that Eastern European tranny-kidnapping ring really is preying on Fetlife CDs!
If I were going to give some advice it would be that it doesn’t have to be so hard. But at the same time I remember when I was younger I was probably just as scared and conflicted so I really do understand and sympathize. But after so many years of being out and visible it’s all become, not routine, but just not that big a deal. Yes, I still have my own moments of doubt from time to time, especially when checking into hotels dressed, but nowhere near what they used to be. I wish I could convince other gurls who are just starting out that if you take it easy and take some basic safety precautions when going out and meeting people, you’ll probably be fine. There is always risk in being more visible, sometimes big risk depending on the situation (meeting strangers from Craigslist for hookups, for example), but our own fears hold us back more than anything.
At the same time, like I said in an earlier post about coming out, I know it’s not easy and that everyone has to find find their own comfort level. I just wish these gurls could relax more, as it’s really just the disappearing without a word that’s so baffling. I don’t mean to sound scolding, as that’s not my intent at all, but I do know in the CD and trans community that this is very common behavior, almost a rule. Anyway, I’m not going anywhere so if anyone needs to reach me you know where I’m at (though the email piles up and may take a while!) But hey, if you’re cute and submissive and into being tied up and need to be comforted in your internal conflicts with some tight bondage – sorry, dear, but yes, your Aunt Sandra has to make it tight – well then, you’ll have a very good chance of hearing back from me…
