The last few months I’ve noticed a strange thing on Fetlife. I’ve heard from maybe five or six CDs who write to say hi. We might email back and forth casually a few times and then – Poof! – their profile is gone. Maybe they’ve blocked me, though I tend to doubt that. More likely I would guess they’ve maybe had second thoughts about being visible online and have simply disabled their own profile. Of course in either case they’re basically gone and it’s impossible to send them a follow-up email. It’s happened so many times in the last few months that it’s become a recognizable pattern. I don’t take it personally, as I really don’t think it’s about me at all. The way I read it, it’s just that there are so many closeted CDs out there with such mixed feelings about who they are and what we do. It’s similar in that regard to purging. Someone can come online for a while and talk about dressing and really admit to what they like, and then I’m guessing the fear and doubt set in and they pull away. I do get it and I understand the impulse but it is rather depressing to see this happen so often (along with all those faceless chopped-off-head crossdressing pictures). Obviously so many CDs are just so terribly conflicted. Or hey, maybe it’s something altogether different: I don’t know, maybe that Eastern European tranny-kidnapping ring really is preying on Fetlife CDs!
If I were going to give some advice it would be that it doesn’t have to be so hard. But at the same time I remember when I was younger I was probably just as scared and conflicted so I really do understand and sympathize. But after so many years of being out and visible it’s all become, not routine, but just not that big a deal. Yes, I still have my own moments of doubt from time to time, especially when checking into hotels dressed, but nowhere near what they used to be. I wish I could convince other gurls who are just starting out that if you take it easy and take some basic safety precautions when going out and meeting people, you’ll probably be fine. There is always risk in being more visible, sometimes big risk depending on the situation (meeting strangers from Craigslist for hookups, for example), but our own fears hold us back more than anything.
At the same time, like I said in an earlier post about coming out, I know it’s not easy and that everyone has to find find their own comfort level. I just wish these gurls could relax more, as it’s really just the disappearing without a word that’s so baffling. I don’t mean to sound scolding, as that’s not my intent at all, but I do know in the CD and trans community that this is very common behavior, almost a rule. Anyway, I’m not going anywhere so if anyone needs to reach me you know where I’m at (though the email piles up and may take a while!) But hey, if you’re cute and submissive and into being tied up and need to be comforted in your internal conflicts with some tight bondage – sorry, dear, but yes, your Aunt Sandra has to make it tight – well then, you’ll have a very good chance of hearing back from me…
I think living out the fantasy is why so many reach out. When the fantasy loses its luster, or conflicting feelings set in, boom: recoil.
Been there, done that.
I am certain the NSA can find them. LOL
If J. Edgar Hoover ran the NSA, we’d never lose a single CDer. :)
Sometimes what we desperately crave is what scares us most. I can remember the feeling of crossing a line. Each time it was exhilarating, but at the same time, i knew i’d never be the same again.
Some gurls are afraid that things are changing too quickly and that their new life will swallow them whole before they’ve even had a chance to explore it, so like you said, they purge.
There is a feeling of big brother too. They are afraid that the more they are out there under this new identity, someone is going to make the connection.
This has been the story of my life, hiding, head down and purging etc. I’m on Fetlife and it gives me more confidence to say how I feel, but as I’ve got to a certain age I don’t think I will ever feel that I’m free to be totally me and that I’ve missed out on what might have been.
Thanks, everyone, for all the comments! And thanks, Sub_2u for sharing. I do understand what that head down feeling is like and while I haven’t purged in decades I do remember those days. I hope any regrets don’t weigh on you too badly. If it’s any consolation I have a CD friend here in her 70s who sometimes seems to get way more action than I do! I look at her and think, whew, I hope I can be like that at her age…Anyway, feel free to send me a friend request on Fetlife if you haven’t already…
Too many CD profiles on FetLife are from people who don’t even want to chat on the damn Kinky Chat. You say hello to them and never get an answer. That I find far more discouraging on that site than anything else. And then they complain that nobody wants to talk to them. Well, I tried.
Hi Sandra, I was on Fetlife for a while, then deleted my account. I did it because really I didn’t need it, I try not to spend too much time on the net, & I have a Facebook account & a TvChix page, and I tend to write to you via your site.
My partner of 5 years left me suddenly before Christmas & it had left me utterly devastated & questioning just what I wanted from life.
With this in mind I had a purge of websites I was a member of, so I could concentrate on just 2 or 3.
I’ve also brought Rachel back out of my old suitcase in the loft, & dressing again helps me feel better about my self, I’ve just got to get out there as Rachel & meet with other CD/TV/TG’s finally, maybe this year, who knows. It’s a pity I’m in the UK, as I’d love to come see Auntie Sandra, & ease my confusion with a ballgag & tight bondage to help me contemplate. Regards
I would love to chat with you in Fetlife
Hi Sandra, I am a friend on FT and I was very interested in your blog, speaking as a very part time Dom, I agree that it’s strange how some disappear, but I suppose ours is a very strange world and I do envy you, as you can live your life to full or so it appears..
I am speaking as someone who for various reasons has to keep my other life under very thick covers at times, even to the point of deleting FT sometime ago, but I could not stay away, so perhaps you will hear from the deletists eventually..
Congrats on your 11 Years !!
Carol Xx
Hi Auntie Sandra,
I think that every comment here is valid which shows what a diverse and confused group we all are.
Personally I’ve never purged, not once. never felt the need to. I understand what I am, A submissive who loves the feel of women’s clothes, the grip of a chastity and the sound of a padlock closing:) I do however lack courage.
I lack the courage to share Daisy with others, Daisy has only ever been truly helpless with one other, and I loved it enormously. My then Mistress was amazing, she grabbed hold and pulled me forwards, never giving me a chance to back out. We was cam chatting soon as possible and I found that this helped me to relax. She made me feel that I wanted to share Daisy with her and I had the time of my life.
I think that what I am trying to say is that some of us are more than willing but we just need someone who can share their strength to help us take the first steps, we are all at the starting line but not everyone knows how to begin
Like many others I have a profile on a website, I have 95 pictures and not one is a uncovered face shot and the reason being is that I live in a small town in the UK and I am known to many and very recognisable. Unfortunately because of Societies low tolerance for difference I feel the need to hide my difference from society for fear of ridicule. I truly envy your courage Auntie Sandra
Daisy
XXXX