I really enjoy this time of year and always wish that the lead up to Christmas could last even longer than it does. It definitely is one of my favorite times of year. And at the same time, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a believer. I sometimes wish I were but as the years roll by it becomes even less and less likely that I ever will be. Like I’ve said before, I like Jesus; it’s religion I don’t care for. I’m certainly not an atheist either, though, as that also takes way too much faith and certainty. I’m just your plain ol’ garden-variety agnostic. As in most things in life, heck, I don’t know.

I do sometimes enjoy going to the Episcopal Cathedral on Christmas Eve, though, which I did last night with my sister in law (I was in guy mode, of course). They have really great music that I always love. And I probably shouldn’t admit this but seeing some of the women who really dress up can be an added bonus. Last night we were sitting at the end of the pew and there was a beautiful young woman next to me in a folding chair that had an obstructed view behind a column. She had blonde hair with highlights, a gorgeous black and white striped dress, and knee high boots. I always feel like a total perv to be looking at women in church but it was hard not to notice her. Strangely she was alone, as she looked like someone who should be married to a doctor or a lawyer. I politely suggested that she could probably move her seat up to this open spot ahead of us and get a better view, which she did and thanked me for (as if I was going to mind her sitting in front of us!)

Of course I desired her (and hopefully I kept that well hidden, which I think I did) but as is so often the case, what I really saw when I looked at her is an image of what I wish I could be but of course never will. That always kind of sucks and just causes an aching pain inside, and in some ways it’s easier not to see women like this – the ones that I desire AND want to be – the classic transvestite dilemma. And that weird mixture of feelings doesn’t subside till later when she’s out of my view. Still, it did strike me as odd that she was alone. It always seems strange when you see a really beautiful person, female or male, who’s alone at an event or a restaurant or someone who never seems to be in a relationship, and there’s a tendency to wonder what’s wrong with them. Maybe nothing, and who knows what her full story is. I’ve had people wonder the same thing about me – though I’m certainly no beauty like this woman was – but I had one friend ask me quite pointedly – You’re attractive and seem nice, how come you’re never dating anyone? I think I just mumbled something or other. Another friend once said to me, Well, we all have our handicaps though some are less visible than others.

Anyway, it was a really nice time and nice hanging out with my sister in law. It’s been a fairly quiet holiday but a good one, and I’m flying to Atlanta in a couple days to see my parents these final few days. Merry Christmas and all the best to everyone in the new year!