Ideally, I would like to be completely transparent about my life, so that anyone seeing me on the street would immediately see that I’m a TV and that I could tell anyone about my bondage website if the conversation went there. Keeping secrets just contributes to my anxiety level, and hell, I’ve got enough anxiety to begin with.
Embarrassment
It’s funny that when I look at the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done, they’re really kind of tame. I tried to make a list and I look at it and think, “Well, okay, maybe some of them are a little embarrassing, but is that it?” I’ll have to update it when I think of more. There must be something really shameful and humiliating to share that I’m blocking out. Of all of them, (they’re in no particular order) the one that still makes me wince the most is the first item:
1. Plagiarizing the first paragraph in a Sertoma writing contest when I was eleven and then winning and getting a hundred dollar savings bond.
2. Shoplifting a Fat Albert action figure from Walgreens when I was ten years old.
3. Masturbating a lot while looking at bondage pictures. Masturbating while crossdressing. Masturbating in general.
4. Trying not to masturbate when I was sixteen years old, lasting eight weeks, and then letting loose looking at lingerie ads in Playboy magazine.
5. Dropping acid at a midnight screening of some Pink Floyd concert movie when I was seventeen, getting very high from it, then later being told by my friend that he fooled me – it wasn’t acid at all, just a blank piece of paper.
6. Walking in on my parents having sex.
7. Not actually having sexual intercourse with a woman till I was twenty-seven years old.
8. Making a joke about “Homo” milk when I was eight and watching my father’s face turn pale.
9. When I was fifteen, being in an art class and for some reason the word “Finland” came up, which I then rhymed with the word “Fag.” Strangely enough, a girl in the class was from Finland and was so offended that she picked up a chair and held it over my head at my desk and then just stood there and wouldn’t stop. I sat there blushing and feeling utterly bewildered like, “Wha’d I do?”
10. When I was in my early teens, hanging out with a couple girls from my church group and some lady came by and mistook me for a girl.
Ironically enough, variations on the “being mistaken for a girl” story happened probably ten times when I was a child or early teen. At the time I was so humiliated but now that I’m grown it’s something that I would love to have happen again. Funny how that works.