Like many I’ve had a lot on my mind and too much solitary time to think about this strange and awful year that we’ve been living through; some of what I’m writing here may be overly reflective, so if you prefer to just check out the bondage pics below and skip the text that follows I won’t be offended.

I just read an interesting article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune online asking, is 2020 the worst year ever? They point out that 1918 was pretty bad with the devastating flu pandemic of the day, and that 1968 was a bad one with the assassinations and riots, and – one I’d never even heard of! – that 536 was maybe the worst of all, “the year a volcano erupted in Iceland and the sun dimmed for a year and a half, leading to a catastrophic global cold spell.” But still 2020’s been pretty bad.

I’ve been pretty lucky and haven’t really had too many major changes to deal with, aside from the lack of parties and events to go to, and a break from shooting with other models that I took in the spring and early summer. For someone like me though who often deals with low moods, in a weird way this year has had moments that have been almost reassuring, as though the world now reflects back to me how I often feel (and by no means do I mean to diminish the loss and suffering of others by saying this.) But it is something I’ve noticed. I’m always half-expecting things to fall apart, and in some ways this year they did.

There is of course the tendency for some to say, “Hey, this pandemic is overblown and it’s not that bad.” I would answer that there are plenty of people whose lived experience would argue otherwise, and that the tendency to minimize is a normal, if self-deluding, impulse for dealing with tragedy. There have been so many stories reported, and one of the best I’ve read was in Time Magazine last May, describing the efforts in New York City to bury the dead. It’s very sobering but if you enjoy good writing it’s worth the time.

Conspiracies – I mentioned earlier too my Mom’s love of conspiracy theories. The events of this year have made it harder to talk about things with her, as there’s always some story to explain the pandemic and the political situation here in the States – 5G, background radiation, the Satanists and pedophiles, the Reptilian overlords, the hollowed-out space-station moon, the deeply offensive “theory” that Michelle Obama is really a man, and so on. It’s exhausting. So we often limit our phone calls to small talk and to the weather, which is kind of sad but you take what you can with family.

I have been shooting again with other models lately, though the number of shoots has been limited compared to last year. I’ve shot a couple times recently with Star Nine, who’s SO good at playing the devious femme fatale (in fact she’s about the only one who’s tied me up since March – not that I’m complaining!)  I’ve also seen my friend Milf Jeanne a number of times and have shot some really fun and sexy scenes with her, including an outdoor one coming up in the next few months.

I have been dressing up more often this year too, just because I like to even if there is no place to go! And when I check in to hotels for photoshoots I usually dress up in my “casual” Sandra mode. There’s something about showing up at the hotel already dressed that I prefer – it just feels more honest – and with everyone wearing a mask it actually makes it very easy and no big deal at all. Being a germ phobe even before the pandemic I’ll probably be one of the last people to stop wearing a mask, especially when checking into a hotel – can never be too safe! ;-) Besides, I wouldn’t be surprised if another pandemic were to hit within five years of the end of this one – I fear it could become our new normal. And I also suspect that getting back to normal is going to take a lot longer than many expect. I’m bracing for it to be a long haul still. Then again, who knows? I’ll be perfectly happy if I’m totally wrong on all this.

Elliot Page – One interesting bit of news was seeing Elliot Page (formerly Ellen Page) come out as trans and non-binary. It’s totally cool that they’re expressing themselves and being who they are. But I’ll admit – and I kind of feel like a jerk for saying this – but when I heard the news I was also a little saddened by it. When Elliot was Ellen they were so cool and cute and adorable that a part of me thinks, “Please don’t take the male hormones and totally change your looks!” Of course it’s none of my business, but as a crossdresser who has had yearnings and desires to be a woman for decades now part of me can’t help but think, “Oh no, what a waste!” Of course this is totally my own reaction filtered through my own “stuff.” But still. I do wish them the best though with whatever path they take.

In any case, just last week I saw Star Nine again in Anaheim and shot four new videos with her, both of us getting tested for Covid beforehand. I knew the stay-at-home order in California was coming soon, and after Star left I stayed over at the hotel, my legs sore and shaky in a good way from the afternoon’s bondage. The next morning I got up wondering why the room smelled slightly smoky and why my throat felt tight. I didn’t think much of it so I did my makeup, dressed in my casual Sandra mode, and finished packing. As I went outside to load up the car I realized that there had been more wildfires nearby overnight and there was now a huge orange cloud over the city of Anaheim. It seemed almost fitting pulling out onto the freeway and heading home, the orange glow overhead and the fires in the hills receding behind me as I drove away. Let’s hope things are a little better next year.