I’ve been hearing from quite a few guys lately who are either married and closeted crossdressers whose wives don’t know, or who are in marriages where the wife doesn’t approve of the crossdressing and doesn’t want to hear about it, or who have wives who only partly tolerate it. And I find it kind of sad because oftentimes I’ll read someone describing their situation and it’s apparent that it’s going to be a continuing problem. I always come back to wondering how it’s possible to make a marriage work if the wife finds her husband’s sexuality or gender expression unacceptable. It just seems like a recipe for failure. And that doesn’t mean that either the wife or the husband is wrong, maybe just incompatible.
Of course, if the husband keeps it secret from his wife for the rest of their life together, I suppose that could work, and it has worked, I’m sure, for thousands and thousands of couples over the years. But what a heavy price to pay for the poor guy, basically shutting himself down and keeping this part of himself hidden from his wife and from everyone else for his entire life. Fucking depressing!
I’m sounding like Ann Landers again here, but it just seems like the only way to make it work in a situation where the wife knows but disapproves is to allow the husband to enjoy dressing on his own from time to time, or maybe with other crossdressing friends, and to otherwise turn a blind eye to it. And that might be an acceptable solution to save the relationship. In any case, the husband is probably going to dress from time to time anyway whether the wife approves of it or not. So it’s probably better if there’s some degree of aggreement about how to handle it, even if it’s just limited agreement like, “she knows but doesn’t know.” We all know how strong these urges are and how they never frickin’ go away.
In my own case, being out and fairly visible on the internet there’s no way that a woman would ever agree to marry me if she had a problem with crossdressing, so in some ways it’s probably not a problem I’ll have to deal with, just by default. What maybe makes it a little more complicated is that unlike a lot of crossdressers who only like other women or other cds, I like to play around with guys too, especially when it comes to bondage games. So that’s inevitably going to shrink the potential pool of women who aren’t going to run shrieking from the room when they hear my full story. Sometimes I would like to have a partner (and I’ve only ever really fallen in love with “real” women), but I’m also such a loner and control freak that I’m ambivalent about ever making that kind of commitment with another person. It’s not out of the question but would have to be a very special situation.
Yeah, if wifey doesn’t approve (and let’s not kid ourselves here, 99.9% of them don’t), you’re pretty much borked – I introduce my ex-wife as Exhibit A.
One has to have hope that the love is strong enough to make anything is possible. I see a lot of people online that claim to have supportive spouses. While it’s not likely to be easy to change a woman’s mind, it is possible.
I’d also like to point out that people can live for many things. Life isn’t always fair and we can’t always get what we want. It’s not _that_ depressing. It’s just life. Enjoy what you have and hope for the best.
It almost sounded like you wrote this with me in mind. Let me add another twist. I started dressed after already being married so it would have been impossible to know her reaction back then. I think many of us are in the dont ask dont tell mode. but you are right – the urge never goes away but it at least makes me feel less depressed to know that many others struggle with this same issue. the couples that seem OK also seem to have very open marriages anyway.
my partner does not know about this little hobby of mine. if she did, i know that she wouldn’t understand or approve.
my dressing is not a full time pursuit. i dress when i have the time and oppurtunity. i work from home and the kids are gone. she works about an hour away so there is usually an oppurtunity for me to satisfy that part of me.
that she wouldn’t approve doesn’t bother me a whole lot. i have felt some guilt that i keep it a secret, but have worked through the issue in my mind (did somebody say rationalization?). it is my life and this is something i want (and have) to do.
she is a wonderful person with many qualities that i love and admire. if i thought that dressing was effecting our relationship that would be a problem, but don’t think it has an adverse effect.
in my case, i believe that don’t ask,don’t tell is the best approach.
I am the loving girlfriend of a transgendered person whom I met several months ago. I am genetic female, heterosexual. I think there ARE women like me who are openly sexually and romantically attracted to crossdressers… not many, but more and more as social definitions of “gender roles” continue to relax. Probably such women tend to be very confident (and curious) about their own identities. I’m not saying that such relationships are without challenge but they offer many opportunities as well. To attract such women, you need to be open about who you are. We can’t find you if we can’t see you.
Thanks so much, Alexis, for sharing! You sound like a very special woman and your partner must be very happy to have you. And thanks for the great advice about being open – it makes such a difference.