I listen to the NPR radio program This American Life a lot when I’m working on the computer and this week they have a terrific show on Breaking Up. (You can actually listen to it online, just click on the ‘Full Episode’ link under the picture of Stevie Nicks.) The best part was the opening segment and the first story where writer Starlee Kine writes her own break up song and plays it over the phone for Phil Collins, who’s actually very cool and down to earth.

I’ve got to say I’m a total sucker for reliving the misery and yearning of break ups. I haven’t had that many really close relationships over the years, but there are a few, including with women that I’m thankfully still friends with, that I’ve never really gotten over completely. And it is interesting how it’s only women that I’ve gotten smitten over. I’ve played around with quite a few guys and other crossdressers, especially with the bondage play, but when it comes to “relationships,” I’ve only ever fallen in love with women. But I sometimes feel more and more like it’s kind of a lost cause in terms of ever making a serious relationship ever really work out. I’m definitely a bit gun shy about trying again, and frankly it’s not that often that I meet anyone with whom I’d really like to.

I know when I was younger I could become smitten and infatuated just like that, but now it just doesn’t seem to come so easily. Maybe it’s just getting jaded or pulling back to protect myself against any future hurt. But I’ve definitely wallowed in all the cliches and pathetic behavior that they mention in this radio show – feeling that one’s emotions and experiences are so unique and profound, when in fact everyone goes through break ups, everyone’s been dumped, and in fact all relationships break up until you find one that doesn’t (to paraphrase Dan Savage). And then there’s that feeling that you’ll never get over the pain and that in a twisted way you sort of don’t want to get over it. The pain feels big and meaningful and life can feel so small and pointless in comparison that it’s almost better to swirl it around in your mouth and savor it for all you can get.

It’s funny but when they played part of that Phil Collins’ song “Against All Odds,” my eyes still start to fill with tears. Which is ridiculous. It’s a really corny song but still very effective. I’ve always been a pushover for stuff like that.

And speaking of pointlessness: There’s also a good article on the Newsweek website about Woody Allen’s new film and his ongoing obsession with the futility and randomness of life: “At 72, he says he still lies awake at night, terrified of the void.” Well, as they say, he has been consistent in his views.