I just finished My Husband Betty the other night, and it’s excellent – I would say probably the best and most honest discussion of crossdressing that I’ve read so far. But some of it made me depressed as hell.
The author, Helen Boyd, was talking about how the sex lives of crossdressers and TVs are often one of the least understood areas of their lives. She talked about three common issues that she’s often heard about from couples where the husband is a TV. I’m single and haven’t dated a genetic woman in several years, but I saw a lot of myself in her comments: 1, a lot of TVs want to be seduced or submissive in bed; 2, some TVs develop more of an interest in masturbation than in sex with a partner; and 3, some TVs become asexual with their partners, especially if married, and shy away from sex altogether.
She also touched on the fear of women that some TVs have and how masturbation may feel safer than the risk of being rejected by a woman for being a “pervert.” I can relate in varying degrees to all those things. I’m definitely a masturbator and live out my sex life through my fantasies. I figure that’s why I like to take bondage pictures so much. It plays right into my sexual “thing.” And I’ve often had that feeling that it’s too much of a hassle to try to date “real” women. There’s that voice in my head that says, “Well, they’re either not going to want me because I’m a tranny, or if they do want me, they’ll smother me and demand so much time and attention that finally I’ll get tired of it and leave.” I’m such a loner and have spent so much time looking at bondage pictures, and though there’s nothing wrong with that, I sometimes get a feeling of, “Gee, is my obsession with bondage taking me away from a real relationship with another person – male or female?”
I meet a fair number of people in the L.A. kink community and get to play quite a bit. But it’s been a while since I can say I’ve had a really close girlfriend or boyfriend. Do I go out with men and other TVs because I’m too scared of real women? I wonder. Reading this book I got to thinking about such things and started getting into a groove of doubt and self pity. I have friends and family and people in my life who love me, but then I’ll get to feeling sorry for myself and that old, “Oh, I’m-all-alone” routine will come up in my head. Usually I snap out of it pretty quickly. But this book raised some interesting and troubling questions – questions that I could probably never completely answer but worth looking at. Highly recommended.
sometimes you say the exact thing that is in my head. thank you.
kate
I’ve never actually read that book, but I’ve heard about it a few places. I can definitely see a bit of myself in those comments.
Have you seen that Bettie Page movie yet? Did you get my last email? Hope to see you again soon.
-Vickie
I am a married crossdresser and when we were first married it was great. My wife was very open to both my dressing and then tying me up.She was the one that first started calling me Victoria, which I loved. And of course I’ve shortened it to Vicki. But it has been years since she has indulged me in either. I don’t know if it is just the years, the fact she has borne us 2 great kids, both boys, the last graduating from HS this year, (and no they are not aware of their father’s kink). Of course we were so much more open about our sexual desires when we were first married. So maybe it is communication. I suspect a lot of marriages, especially with kids involved tend to tone down on the communication as we focus on raising the kids, and their needs. Stay tuned, as the kid’s are around less and less, our conversations have defintely increased and tend to focus less and less on the boys and more and more on each other. Anyway, I’m sorry Sandra, I know this helps you not in the least, but felt I wanted to share. And words to encourage you, No, you are not alone… I think we sometimes struggle with our personal “demons” but it is nice to read the other comments and realize there are so many more other “girls” out there and that our situations though unique to our lives are not entirely that different. I love this blog.
Vicki
Thanks so much for all the nice comments! I’m really touched…
Hi Sandra,
I read the book, My Husband Betty, and walked away from it thinking that what I am doing (CDing) sounds a lot like what the author describes in her book. Maybe some day ,”Betty” will write her own book about CDing. I would like to see how similiar her experinces are compared to my own.
huggs,
Kendra Kidd
So if your down on your luck,
I know you all sympathze
find a girl with far away eyes
And if your downright disgusted,
and life ain’t worth a dime
get a tgirl with far away eyes.
Hi Sandra,
The things you described from reading “My Husband Betty”, I’m sure are very typical of all crossdressers. As for myself, I thought I could do without CDing for the rest of my life after finding a relationship, but it hasn’t worked, and as the author of the book said, yes I have “shied away from sex altogether”. Looking back, I would have probably done things differently, or maybe not. It’s hard to say. Yes, I’m no longer lonely, but many other things have taken its place, and they are not all necessarily good. My self esteem was so low at the beginning of my relationship that I felt I had no ther option to end the feelings of my deep lonliness.
Enough about me. I think if you are seeking a relationship that you should put all CDing stuff in back while you are dating. And I don’t mean stop dressing. Just don’t expose it to her untill you think it may become a long term thing. Only then should worry about being rejected for being a CDer. You seem to have a lot of good qualities that most women would like and even admire. You need to put the worrying about “what if she thinks I’m a pervert thing” in the back of your mind and show your genuine likable qualaties as a person and even a man. This was sound advise that a psychologist gave me once. Although I was just not confident enough to use it. Looking back, I could see that she was very right, and may have missed out on some wonderful opportunities. Yes it’s true that you will have less time to play if you get involved in a relationship. But if she accepts it, then maybe a compromise can be made. No one is saying that if you find a relationship that it has to lead to marriage. It’s possible to lead to an LTR as significant others. Of course, you live your life as you se fit. Just remember that those who do get involved in relationships, marriages, etc. also experience time of depression, lonliness, and hardships. I thought all of the hard feelings would go away from life when I found someone, but they haven’t. I didn’t realize (before) that, life only gets twice as more complicated being with someone than without, and that other person isn’t always the you should share your’e innner most desires with.
Anyway, I’m starting ramble. Just wanted to give you some cheering up regarding the lonliness.
Hugs,
Shelly.