Weird Moments from Childhood

I have a few memories from childhood that when I look back make me think, “What was that all about?” They weren’t particularly traumatic or abusive events, but just odd things that made an impression. I’m aware too that talking about things that happened in childhood can maybe seem a bit weird or even creepy when they’re on a blog about bondage and dressing. Of course, I’m not making assumptions about anyone else’s formative childhood experiences or what they mean. These are just things that happened to me. And with my developing sexuality some of these incidents probably made more of an impression than they would have with someone who wasn’t already bitten by the bondage bug.

One memory occurred when I was probably nine years old. There was a girl in the neighborhood who was about thirteen. She was kind of tough, kind of a tomboy, and I don’t recall ever having had much contact with her before. In the backyard of our house (my family lived in upstate New York at this time, a couple years before moving to Colorado), there was an area with a lot of trees and a little path that was secluded. For some reason I was with this tomboy girl, and she asked me to pull out my dick and show it to her. I still vividly remember the moment, and I also remember feeling nervous and finally just saying something like, “No, I don’t want to.”

I could tell she was disappointed, but she didn’t pursue it beyond that. In a weird way I kind of felt bad for saying no to her. I mean, she was being direct and honest, and it didn’t feel abusive. She was probably just being curious and just wanted to see. But I was insecure and lacked confidence. Looking back fifty years later I kind of think I should have shown it to her, as wrong as that may sound, just for the experience. Of course, if she had made fun of me, it probably would have fed into my current humiliation fetish and maybe would have increased my appetite for dominant females. But it was certainly one of those moments that got burned into my memory and was all the more unusual because I had never spent much time with this girl before. I can’t even remember her name and I can’t remember if we ever spoke again, probably not. I would love to know though what she was really after, though I wonder if she would even remember the incident.

Another very weird memory from around this time (also in upstate New York) was when I was visiting at the house of a boy I went to school with, probably around the fourth grade. Again, this was a boy whom I didn’t know well, and I don’t even know why I was at his house that day. His parents were probably poor, and I recall their house wasn’t very well maintained. We played outside and then at one point we went inside, and the boy’s mother was there. She was kind of rough and loud. I picture her now as the kind of woman who would work as a gum-chewing waitress in a diner – not that there’s anything wrong with waiting tables or chewing gum!

At one point the boy and his mom started playfully bickering or fussing about something. And suddenly the boy’s mom said something like, “Oh, do you want me to tie you up?” And she grabbed him, wrestling and playing around. I seem to recall she grabbed a cloth or something and acted like she was going to cleave gag him with it. I couldn’t believe it and I was suddenly so excited and feeling so many emotions inside. It was just such as unexpected moment that totally took me by surprise. It was like, what kind of mother is this? Of course, what I really wanted was to be in on the action – if only I could have said, “Oh, you can tie me up too!” But I instinctively knew that that was not the thing to say! I don’t think she ever actually tied him up; I think they were just playing around. But again, it was a moment that was immediately burned into my memory banks. The thing I wonder is, was this an ongoing regular thing that she threatened him with? Did she ever really tie him up when no one was around? I mean, what was that all about? Looking back, I would bet good money if that boy were still alive that he grew up to be a big bondage fan too, probably with fantasies involving his own mom! Who knows? we might have had more in common than I knew and maybe I should have gone to his house more often!

On Twitter I wrote about the importance of setting the safety when using handcuffs. I had this teenage friend whose dad was a cop, and they had a couple pairs of handcuffs around the house. One afternoon my friend cuffed himself and then accidentally rolled over on the cuffs without setting the safety, causing them to cruelly tighten down on his wrists. I still remember the utter agony he was in while he frantically grabbed for the key and got them unlocked. I can’t remember now if they were locked in front or behind, and I can’t remember if he got himself out or if I did. I do wonder though if he did any lasting nerve damage to himself – he was truly suffering!

This same friend and I played around and tied each other up a few times, though I can’t remember who the driving force behind the action was – probably me but I’m not totally sure. I did once wrap him up tightly in a blanket and strap him up with several leather belts up and down his body and then duct taped his mouth shut. I think I might have left him that way for half an hour while we watched afternoon TV and I think he enjoyed it. Then it was my turn, which turned out to be a big disappointment. I was wrapped up and he was about to strap me up with the belts when the doorbell suddenly rang. Another friend from the neighborhood was there and I frantically got myself unwrapped from the blanket even though my friend said I should just lie there and continue on with the game. But with this third friend showing up I was suddenly so embarrassed, and it was like, I can’t possibly continue on and have him see what we’re doing! Again, a stupid reaction. I should have just gone along with it and acted like I couldn’t get out of the blanket and let them straps me up and gag me. Again, it probably would have played into my growing humiliation fetish and might have been fun! But once I got loose the moment was basically over.

There were some other tie-up games with another set of friends, and in that case, I certainly was the instigator, though we all seemed to get into it and enjoy it. And there were a couple other incidents, one during a sleepover in a tent, again with the handcuff kid and some other friends, where I thought bondage could have happened, but alas, nothing did. In that case I was again the instigator, and a perv, basically suggesting, Gee, what would happen if we got tied up in our sleeping bags? Gee, what indeed? There was some laughing and wrestling and I got pinned down on the ground briefly, but of course I wanted more!

Growing up, though, I was so unsure of myself and so insecure. I knew that bondage fascinated me, but I also felt it was deeply wrong, so everything was secret and underhanded. There are very few benefits to growing old, but one plus is the acceptance that age often brings – that acceptance that, hey, this is just the way I am. Thankfully I didn’t suffer any serious abuse growing up (though the bullying I experienced in school wasn’t fun), but there were these weird and confusing moments like what I describe here suffused with a taboo sexual energy. Though not in fashion anymore, the brilliance of Sigmund Freud is his acknowledgement of these hidden taboo impulses in children, disturbing as that is to consider. But the human creature is deeply weird, and I’m certainly no exception. I still wonder about that girl by the trees though…AND especially about that boy’s mother. What the hell was that all about?

5 thoughts on “Weird Moments from Childhood”

  1. Thanks for the comment, Lou! When I posted that I wondered if anyone was going to find it interesting, or if it was just going to come across as creepy! Glad you enjoyed it. Most of us probably have some weird memories from way back in the early days!

  2. Your post stirred up glimpses of my own early obsession with being bound and gagged and clues as to mixing that in with crossdressing.
    The bondage piece was realized first, but the imprinting of wishing to be a girl came before that. I can’t be sure if it was a dream or a daydream, it feels more like the latter. I can remember being in our side yard at the house I lived in with family between the ages of 3 and 7. I was playing with something by myself and suddenly I had a thought pass through my malleable brain that imagined myself as a girl. It wasn’t strong enough that I felt that I had to act on it, but the clarity of that moment would recur from time to time over the years. Eventually it receded into the back closets of what was already becoming an overactive yet rich imagination.
    Another time I remember a dream when I may have been 10 or 11 and I was living in the 1920’s as a flapper girl. That was an actual dream and I never acted on the fantasy of being dressed like a gangster’s moll. At this point in my life doing so is impractical, but thinking about it now makes me wish I had tried the whole stockings, fringe hemmed sparkly dress, rhinestone tiara, and finding someone to tie me to a chair and gag me.
    My earliest bondage memories involve the usual kid’s games, cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians and The Man from UNCLE spy games in which we would chase each other around and wind up tying or being tied up. I soon found that I much preferred being the captive.
    The first memory was when our neighbor girl, who was a year younger than me, tied me up to a tree in her back yard when I was six or seven. We were playing cops and robbers, and I remember this pleasant feeling come over me, far too early to be sexual. I remember thinking, oh yes, let’s do that again soon. It didn’t make me feel weird to feel that way either; at that point it was more like: does everyone feel like this when they get tied up? I wonder how the girl felt?
    The next vivid memory was a few years later after we moved to a different house and neighborhood. We were in our backyard playing Man from Uncle and a boy my age who lived across the street, tied me up to our outdoor clothesline post. ZAP! There was that feeling of, yes, this feels good. No reaction downstairs, more of a whole-body nirvana, though the word nirvana would have been foreign to me.
    I was around 12 when the script kind of flipped, watching The Avengers episode with Tara tied cross legged to a chair in boots ( no mystery to where that fetish emerged) and being threatened by a bunch of magicians in an asylum. Up until then, my fantasies included being tied up but in male clothing and if I saw a female, my fantasies ran to the side of the hero who rescued her and was rewarded with relieved kisses and hugs. When I saw Tara though something flipped, and being a girl suddenly pushed it’s way into the mix. Not the hero! I wanted to be her! It was almost overwhelming and it wasn’t long until I found mom’s lingerie drawer, some nylon stockings, a girdle, and full slip. The rest is history.
    Love and kisses and please….Don’t rescue me.

    1. Thanks for sharing your memories, Vicki. It’s funny how many of us were influenced by The Man from UNCLE and by The Avengers. The latter was definitely a big influence on me! And that moment when we suddenly identified with the damsel!

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