It’s funny, over the years I’ve had some really good private bondage scenes, and have had only a handful that went poorly, and usually not that poorly, just a lack of chemistry, which sometimes happens. But there are probably three or four people that I didn’t meet or with whom it just didn’t work out, where I still feel some slight regret. With one of them I just chickened out, another we started to play and it got off to a bad start, and one was with a guy whom I annoyed and who probably just lost interest after that.

The one who still gets to me and whom I sometimes fantasize about, was a guy in Denver who wrote me when I was living there and feeling lonely. He was a male dom and was probably a little too pushy and sure of himself in his emails. I just wasn’t sure about him and I let the opportunity pass, although now I’d probably go through with it. I know that even just five years ago when it happened, my confidence was a little less secure than it is now, not that I’m always sure of myself – far from it! – but now I know more of what I really like and what I’m willing to do in a play scene away from the camera.

The thing is, the emails he wrote me were a real turn-on, but he was still a little too secretive and that’s what made me uneasy, even if that element of the unknown does add to the turn-on. He also made it clear that he would love to get off during play, although he would have been okay with only doing bondage role-playing without anything sexual. I know many people would say, “If you had any doubts or sensed any red flags it’s smart to listen to those signals – you made the right decision.” And I agree…and yet. I know that since that time, he’s played with other people and it appears to have been good for both parties. Maybe I’m just being greedy but yeah, those emails were hot. If I had it to do over again, I’d probably see him.

I had another scene with another guy where we just didn’t communicate enough and when it started to get too intense too quickly, I got rattled and called it off. Looking back, it could have been really good and I just wish I’d handled it better and had communicated better up front. And then there was one other scene that I sometimes think about with a photographer who wanted to shoot pictures of me and play afterwards, this time nothing sexual. But he was maybe a little less forthcoming than I would have liked at first, and in retrospect I admit I over-reacted and called it off and he likely just thought I was a drama queen (rightly so in that case). It was a shame as he’s a good photographer with a great style of bondage. I exchanged a couple more emails with both of these guys but it just felt like the opportunity had passed and I doubt we’ll probably ever meet.

I’ll admit probably part of my not-so-unconscious motivation for writing this is that, hey, maybe one or two of these guys will see this and write back. (Maybe the guy in Denver visits LA!) But I actually suspect they don’t follow this blog, so that’s doubtful. It is inevitable of course that some scenes are going to lack chemistry and some are going to involve miscommunication – they’re not all going to be earth-shattering. But these three in particular are the ones that I find myself looking back on with some regret whenever I think of them. I don’t dwell on the memories, but these things happen, and will certainly happen again.

I know there was a time a few years ago when I was more cautious about meeting people to play with, maybe too cautious. I wasn’t as bad as those profiles you see on Fetlife with long lists of angry do’s and don’ts and a generally aggrieved tone, but I was less sure of myself and as a result very careful. And to be honest, for a few years there I went through a spell where I just wasn’t having that much fun with private play. Now, with more experience behind me, I tend to be more open to possibilities if it feels right and if I seem to be on the same page with someone. Most of the time they’re male doms or guys who are into tying CDs. And most of the time my judgment is good. I don’t do a ton of private play by any means, especially since I don’t have much free time, but I have moved beyond that bad spell these last few years, which is reassuring. But it is funny, although not surprising, of course, how the ones that “got away” tend to stick in the memory.