I hesitated as to whether I should post this, since it’s critical of a certain kind of person and behavior that you find in the bondage and kink scene. But I finally decided it was worth bringing up. To set the scene, way back at one of the TEASE parties a middle-aged crossdresser showed up. I welcomed her to the party, and we chatted for a bit and then within minutes she came out with, “So when are you going to tie me up?” I smiled and chatted some more but did not take the bait. She would drift away and then come back again throughout the evening, asking again when this party was gonna get started and why it was taking so long for her to get tied up?

I immediately thought to myself, “Ah, another do-me queen.” I’ve run into a lot of do-me queens over the years, but she was so bold and pushy that I still remember her probably fifteen years later.

If you’ve never heard the term before, a do-me queen (as defined in the Double-Tongued Dictionary) is “a selfish, submissive sexual partner, especially in a male homosexual relationship.” But do-me queens are also very common in Domme / sub relationships and certainly in the kink and bondage scenes. Pro Dommes are extremely familiar with the type. But when someone is willing to pay they’re probably not a true do-me queen since the Domme is getting something in return. Same with phone sex sites like Niteflirt (where I have a profile). Some people do like to text me there and just chat about things. And some are extremely focused on their sexual desires, but since they’re paying me it’s fine and I really wouldn’t expect otherwise. Again, I’m not really sure if that’s really a do-me queen or just someone who’s very horny with a credit card.

The thing about do-me queens is that they can be so laser focused on their own sexual needs that they become socially clueless and irritating. The mantra is basically, “When are you gonna do me? When are you gonna do me?” Of course, a cute twenty-year old can get away with being needy and demanding much more easily than, say, a middle-aged crossdresser who doesn’t take very good care of themselves. When strangers write me and ask if they can come take a vacation and have me put them up for a few days and play with them, I usually know what I’m dealing with.

If you’re asking, “Uh-oh, I hope I’m not like that,” asking the question is a good sign that you probably don’t take things to that same degree. But I would say there’s a spectrum of behavior when it comes to being overly selfish about one’s desires. We’ve probably all had moments when we’re really turned on or have a promising opportunity come up and we become very focused on what we hope to get out of it. That seems normal, especially when one is really horny. And I’ve had moments myself when I’ve gotten a little tipsy and logged onto Niteflirt as a customer and was probably a little too focused on getting my itch scratched. That’s the kind of night where the next day I can wake up and go, Okay, well that was a bit much. Was I showing some do-me queen traits then? Yeah, probably.

But for me anyway, what really sets the do-me queen apart is the social cluelessness. The person talking to me at that party was just looking for a good time—I get it. But her hyper focus on her needs without any concern as to whether I would even be interested is the thing that made it such a turn-off for me. With her attitude there was no way in hell I was ever going to play with her. And her inability to read the situation just made it worse. She really didn’t need me to tie her up; she needed a bondage robot that she could program to tick off all the boxes of her fantasy.

Again, I wasn’t sure if I should write all this since I don’t like to put people down on this blog, but it is a subject that deserves to be discussed, and a type that people should know about, especially if someone is unknowingly starting to exhibit some do-me queen qualities themselves. And again, the defining trait here is the social cluelessness and inability to consider what makes a scene mutually beneficial. It’s really not that hard to figure out. But until those bondage robots become affordable for everyone and reliable (not short circuiting during a session or accidentally asphyxiating their owners as so often happens), I’m sure I’ll continue to get more of this unwanted attention. When you’re known for tying people up it kind of goes with the territory.