Earlier today I was at the grocery store, in boy mode, just heading in. I paused a moment, and saw this guy nearby just ahead of me, also going into the store. I grabbed a cart, went in, and maybe 15 seconds later I was passing by this same guy. You know how sometimes you’ll make eye contact with someone just by chance and then you look away a little nervously? Well, I did that, looked away, and then for some reason looked back. He sort of nodded, seemed to hesitate, and said in a normal tone of voice, “Are you okay?”

I was kind of startled out of my fog and said, “Oh, yes, yes, I’m fine,” smiling and making sure I sounded reasonable and sane. And then he said, “Because you looked like you were upset about something.” I was surprised, since I was feeling fine – actually feeling something pretty close to “happy” – and I said something like, ” Oh, no, no, I’m fine, everything’s okay.” And he said, “Okay” and continued on.

I immediately went down an aisle and felt a little embarrassed. I mean, none of this felt hostile or confrontational or anything like that. And I didn’t get any impression that he was trying to pick up on me or wanted to start a conversation for some reason. So I was thinking, how could I look like I was upset? Did he perceive me as emotional distressed, or pissed off and looking for trouble, or worried, or something else? I almost wanted to go back and ask him for more details, but figured that would seem crazy.

It was really unusual and the rest of the time I was in the store I was wondering – How do I come across to people? Do I appear to be an angry person? Preoccupied? Concerned? A pushover? Dangerous? I was stumped and couldn’t get my head around it. It just goes to show how personal everyone’s experiences are. We’re all trapped in our own little world, and so much of what we see out there may not have any real bearing to reality. It makes me wonder, how often do I read people or situations wrong? Probably lots, maybe most of the time. We all have those expectations and “self stories” that we’ve carried around since childhood (“People are assholes, people are nice, I have no luck with women, children don’t like me, I’m not good at soccer, blah blah blah) and they just operate automatically without even being aware of them.

I was just dying to know: What just happened? What did this guy see? What made my reality and his apparently so far apart?

I’ve been meaning to mention that last Wednesday I had the chance to be on another BDSM panel, this time at an undergraduate human sexuality class at CSUN in Northridge. There were probably 40 or so undergraduate students and four of us on the panel. At first I’d heard that there would be ten people on the panel so when I realized it was much smaller I had a moment of nervousness. But once it started going it went okay. Everyone on the panel was really nice and knowledgeable and the room felt pretty relaxed. I was in my mild “androg” mode, makeup and girl’s jeans and a top, but nothing too extreme. The class asked some good questions and I was able to share some of my experiences from the TV side of things. I don’t know if I’ll do a lot of these panels, since it is a big time commitment, especially if I dress beforehand (which I prefer to do), but from the two that I’ve done, they can be fun and you meet some really nice and interesting people.

Wow, it’s been a busy week here and I haven’t written anything in a long time. Last Monday I finally got to do another self-bondage webcam session and had quite an enjoyable time. Self bondage can be a real hit or miss thing. Sometimes it’s exciting and really sends you out into the ether and other times it can just be tedious and unsatisfying. This one was pretty good. I used way too many ice cubes – about 18 – so it went longer than I expected. I was on the cam around 5 PM, probably tied up by 6 PM, and then the ice didn’t melt and allow me to free myself and reach the handcuff key till well after 10 PM, so it was at least a four hour session in bondage. Here are a few framegrabs from the webcam.

So this Monday night, December 4th, I’m planning to do another self-bondage session on the webcam. It’s been a long time and I’ve had a hankering to tie myself up for a while. I’m planning to start around 5:00 PM Pacific time and probably go for about 3 or 4 hours. I’ll post some links on the Ts in Trouble homepage just before I get up and running.

The other day I had an interesting experience appearing on a panel on bdsm and alternative lifestyles at a college in Thousand Oaks, CA. It was a small group of maybe 15 graduate students who were all studying to be therapists and there were six of us on the panel with different perspectives – gay, straight, and tranny (me). I thought I’d be pretty nervous but actually it was really laid back and I felt quite relaxed. I’ve never been talkative, and true to form I was one of the quieter people there, but I seemed to do well enough and answered some questions without sounding like a total nut.

One of the topics that came up was about the so-called “bdsm community,” of which I have to admit I’m sometimes a little skeptical. The variety of interests that are usually included under the term bdsm are so diverse that it’s sometimes hard for me to see that there really is one over-arching community holding everyone together. I have quite a few kinky friends and acquaintances, and there are organizations I like and events that I like to attend from time to time, but does all that make a community? I don’t know the answer. I can’t say I really “feel” like I’m part of a community, but maybe I am. I’ve never been much of a “joiner” either, so maybe that explains some of my questioning. And even though it looks like I’m fairly active and involved, I’d have to admit that at parties and events I oftentimes feel like more of an observer than an active participant. So it’s a tough question to answer. My own personality quirks may just be a big part of my feeling of being separate.

Speaking of the “community” question, here’s an interesting article I recently read on the same topic

Speaking of self bondage, it’s been quite a while since I’ve been on the webcam and I’m planning to do a session early next week, probably Monday night, the 4th. I’ll post a notice for sure in a day or two.

To be honest, I’ve been having doubts about continuing on with many more webcasts. I get the feeling that it’s sort of run it’s course and that I’ve done about all I can do with it in my little computer room. With the set up that I have, I’m not able to take the cam out on location, so it’s always the same view from on top of my computer. I have been itching for a good self bondage session, though, so I figured that would be a good thing for the cam. But I don’t know if I’ll keep on doing the cam very much in the future. I’ve been really busy shooting video and shooting for my DVD and have been really energized by that. So we shall see. I’m sure there’ll be more webcasts but they may just be special events in the future.

It’s been a busy few days here and it’s been so darn cold (well, cold for Southern California). Delilah did a really nice job at the rope bondage workshop Sunday afternoon and I got to be tied up for a change! I love when that happens.

I also had a shoot a couple of days ago for the upcoming Trannies In Trouble DVD. I was a little short on Sandra-getting-tied-up scenes, so I shot what I think will be a nice self bondage routine with my friend Chainguy. We used a speakerphone during the scene, which enabled me to do some gag talking with the guy who was supposed to come set me free. It was a lot of fun and I have to admit I got into it quite a bit (wink, wink). I’m really looking forward to putting this scene together. It should be a good one.

This Sunday’s rope bondage workshop should be a lot of fun. My good friend Delilah Knotty’s going to be the presenter, covering some basic tying techniques and emphasizing the sensual side of bondage play. I’m looking forward to getting tied up this time! If you’re in the Los Angeles area come on out and say hi.

Delilah’s website

Rope Bondage Workshop at HollywoodLand Studios

Sunday, November 26, 2006
4:00 pm – 6:00 pm

Hollywoodland Studios
11300 Hartland St.
North Hollywood, CA 91605

Map: http://tinyurl.com/fnwd7

Notes:
Open to all interested members of the BDSM Community. Join Sandra to
learn the basics as well as some new tricks! $5 for Threshold
members and affiliates, $10 for non members, proceeds going
to Threshold.

Bizarre Bazaar turned out to be pretty fun. I was helping out all day at the event, so I showed up way too early and generally tried to be useful in getting set up. Even though it’s November we’ve been having this hot spell, so the ballroom where it’s held got pretty warm in spite of the AC. I was supposed to do a small bondage demo later in the afternoon, tying up Bettie Cho onstage, but around noon I started to worry about the heat. I sweat easily to begin with and didn’t want to be a big dripping blob onstage.

Thankfully things got better as the afternoon passed and finally we went on around 5:30 PM. It went pretty well and I tied Bettie to a chair and used some of that shiny bondage tape to wrap across her mouth and eyes. Several people said she looked very cute up there. It did start to get hot as we continued on, what with the hot lights and being up high on the stage. But it went well enough and I didn’t melt too badly. Sadly, no cameras are allowed at this event or I’d have pictures to share.

I’m thinking next year I may just have to rent a table there and have a Trannies In Trouble booth where I can tie up models all day long. We shall see.

So last night we had a pretty good turn out for Club Fantasy at Hollywoodland Studios. The space is quite large, with several semi-private rooms in the back, so oftentimes the scenes going on are spread throughout the place. I’m a shameless exhibitionist so I always like to tie or get tied up in the main front room. My friend Leah got there early so I put her into a nice hogtie with a couple scarves to gag her. She’s not really into pain so I didn’t want to push her but couldn’t help myself and lightly caned her on the insides of her thighs just to get a few squeals out of her. Fun.

Of course, a lot of people just come to watch and socialize and it’s a good place to do that. The music’s at a reasonable level and you won’t hear the typical Enigma and Metallica that you so often find at BDSM parties. But I try to keep a good variety of music going with an emphasis on trance / techno.

So tomorrow there’s a fun event called Bizarre Bizaar going on down by LAX in Inglewood. I’m going to be helping out at the event so should be there all day and may be doing an impromptu bondage demo with Bettie Cho later in the afternoon. I went last year and had a great time. There’s lots of kinky vendors and people to meet.

It’s sleepy time here.

Yeah, Club Fantasy is this Friday, Nov. 17th. Come check it out and bring rope.

I was out at my favorite Denny’s this evening in boy mode and there was a young couple who sat down in the booth next to me, with their backs towards me. The girl was cute and had a nice messy ponytail and a white blouse that really got to me. It was very bright and tight fitting, with those fitted seams down both sides on her back, and you could see the shape of her bra through it. I tried not to stare, but her whole look, and especially that blouse, was so attractive that my eyes kept wandering back to her. I got that familiar feeling again, a mixture of sexual longing and that wish to have been born a girl.

I’ve talked about this before, but I often wonder when I get that feeling of yearning, how much of it is a sexual turn on and how much of it is transgendered feelings? I could never see myself having a sex change, but I remember this horror story of a transexual woman who, after going through the surgery, realized that it was her sexual fantasies that were powering her desire to be a woman, and now that her testosterone was considerably diminished the charge was no longer there and she was left thinking, “I just made a big mistake.” Stories like that just go to show how much one’s sexual urges can be wrapped up in all this gender stuff, how it’s so messy and difficult to tell what’s sex and what’s gender.

I had a chance to get out of town for the weekend and see my good friend Mr. K., just outside of New York, across the river in Jersey. He’s one of the first people I ever shot with when I was first getting more serious about bondage photography and has offered a lot of encouragement over the years. We had a great time and I got tied up nicely several times.

Then later Sunday night I went into the city in boy mode on the PATH train and got some dinner. I lived briefly in New York for about a year in ’94, so I went over to check out my old neighborhood around 2nd Ave. and 9th St. I had dinner in this Russian diner called Veselka. It’s a good place and very popular. Unfortunately I had one of those experiences where you order something in a restaurant and then immediately realize that you’ve made a bad choice. I should have stuck with the omelette, but at the last minute I changed my mind and got some kind of chicken “sandwich,” which turned out to be a rather tough and mysteriously spiced chicken breast with two pieces of bread on the side. I actually like the restaurant, and have had excellent food there before, and perhaps if I were Russian I would have enjoyed it. But I found it, well, absolutely horrible, with some vague taste of garlic and lots of other unknown spices mixed in. So I had two bites, settled the bill, and took off kicking myself for my bad decision.

A couple blocks away I found another diner and this time stayed with the omelette. It was unexceptional but adequate and helped get the weird garlic taste out of my mouth.

Heading out of the restaurant I walked around the East Village some more. I was really amazed that I lasted as long as I did when I lived there. I actually really like New York. I think it’s a fascinating place and would be a terrific place to live if you were rich. But when I briefly lived there, my overriding memory was of being terribly depressed and lonely. I moved there thinking it would be an exciting adventure and then had a thoroughly miserable year. Now, walking around again, it was good to see the place, but finally it was getting late and time to jump on the PATH train back to New Jersey.

The end of daylight savings has to be one of my favorite days. Just that one extra hour makes it feel like I’m really getting something done for a change. I’ll look at the clock and go, “Whoa, it’s only ten AM!” Yippee!

Wow, it’s been a busy week here and no blogging at all. I’ve had a couple of big photoshoots (well, big for me) and have been working at the computer too much. But last night I needed a break, so I headed over to the Hollywood Forever Cemetary, which is pretty close to where I live, and checked out the annual Day of the Dead celebration. I’d been working all day, so was just in boy mode but it certainly would have been the perfect place to dress and raise no eyebrows whatsover.

The Latino community really goes all out for it, with bands and eerie lighting and lots of elaborate altars and displays celebrating the memories of the departed. I had a couple of Churros covered in brown sugar and wandered around checking out the sights. Very cool and they have a nice website with pictures too.

L.A. Day of the Dead

I’ve had Mom here visiting from out of town for a couple days and just took her back to LAX yesterday. Mom has some vague idea about my “lifestyle.” At least she knows that I’m a crossdresser and that I have some sort of website, but beyond that we don’t discuss it much (not that I would particularly want to).

So the other day while doing some site-seeing, we were driving down the street here in L.A. and passing by some people on the sidewalk, I notice a somewhat flamboyant looking tranny crossing at the corner. Mom (bless her heart) says, “Wow, did you see that woman?” I was just about to explain that that’s no ordinary woman, and then thought the better of it. I closed my mouth, mumbled something, and we continued on.