I have a few memories from childhood that when I look back make me think, “What was that all about?” They weren’t particularly traumatic or abusive events, but just odd things that made an impression. I’m aware too that talking about things that happened in childhood can maybe seem a bit weird or even creepy when they’re on a blog about bondage and dressing. Of course, I’m not making assumptions about anyone else’s formative childhood experiences or what they mean. These are just things that happened to me. And with my developing sexuality some of these incidents probably made more of an impression than they would have with someone who wasn’t already bitten by the bondage bug.

One memory occurred when I was probably nine years old. There was a girl in the neighborhood who was about thirteen. She was kind of tough, kind of a tomboy, and I don’t recall ever having had much contact with her before. In the backyard of our house (my family lived in upstate New York at this time, a couple years before moving to Colorado), there was an area with a lot of trees and a little path that was secluded. For some reason I was with this tomboy girl, and she asked me to pull out my dick and show it to her. I still vividly remember the moment, and I also remember feeling nervous and finally just saying something like, “No, I don’t want to.”

I could tell she was disappointed, but she didn’t pursue it beyond that. In a weird way I kind of felt bad for saying no to her. I mean, she was being direct and honest, and it didn’t feel abusive. She was probably just being curious and just wanted to see. But I was insecure and lacked confidence. Looking back fifty years later I kind of think I should have shown it to her, as wrong as that may sound, just for the experience. Of course, if she had made fun of me, it probably would have fed into my current humiliation fetish and maybe would have increased my appetite for dominant females. But it was certainly one of those moments that got burned into my memory and was all the more unusual because I had never spent much time with this girl before. I can’t even remember her name and I can’t remember if we ever spoke again, probably not. I would love to know though what she was really after, though I wonder if she would even remember the incident.

Another very weird memory from around this time (also in upstate New York) was when I was visiting at the house of a boy I went to school with, probably around the fourth grade. Again, this was a boy whom I didn’t know well, and I don’t even know why I was at his house that day. His parents were probably poor, and I recall their house wasn’t very well maintained. We played outside and then at one point we went inside, and the boy’s mother was there. She was kind of rough and loud. I picture her now as the kind of woman who would work as a gum-chewing waitress in a diner – not that there’s anything wrong with waiting tables or chewing gum!

At one point the boy and his mom started playfully bickering or fussing about something. And suddenly the boy’s mom said something like, “Oh, do you want me to tie you up?” And she grabbed him, wrestling and playing around. I seem to recall she grabbed a cloth or something and acted like she was going to cleave gag him with it. I couldn’t believe it and I was suddenly so excited and feeling so many emotions inside. It was just such as unexpected moment that totally took me by surprise. It was like, what kind of mother is this? Of course, what I really wanted was to be in on the action – if only I could have said, “Oh, you can tie me up too!” But I instinctively knew that that was not the thing to say! I don’t think she ever actually tied him up; I think they were just playing around. But again, it was a moment that was immediately burned into my memory banks. The thing I wonder is, was this an ongoing regular thing that she threatened him with? Did she ever really tie him up when no one was around? I mean, what was that all about? Looking back, I would bet good money if that boy were still alive that he grew up to be a big bondage fan too, probably with fantasies involving his own mom! Who knows? we might have had more in common than I knew and maybe I should have gone to his house more often!

On Twitter I wrote about the importance of setting the safety when using handcuffs. I had this teenage friend whose dad was a cop, and they had a couple pairs of handcuffs around the house. One afternoon my friend cuffed himself and then accidentally rolled over on the cuffs without setting the safety, causing them to cruelly tighten down on his wrists. I still remember the utter agony he was in while he frantically grabbed for the key and got them unlocked. I can’t remember now if they were locked in front or behind, and I can’t remember if he got himself out or if I did. I do wonder though if he did any lasting nerve damage to himself – he was truly suffering!

This same friend and I played around and tied each other up a few times, though I can’t remember who the driving force behind the action was – probably me but I’m not totally sure. I did once wrap him up tightly in a blanket and strap him up with several leather belts up and down his body and then duct taped his mouth shut. I think I might have left him that way for half an hour while we watched afternoon TV and I think he enjoyed it. Then it was my turn, which turned out to be a big disappointment. I was wrapped up and he was about to strap me up with the belts when the doorbell suddenly rang. Another friend from the neighborhood was there and I frantically got myself unwrapped from the blanket even though my friend said I should just lie there and continue on with the game. But with this third friend showing up I was suddenly so embarrassed, and it was like, I can’t possibly continue on and have him see what we’re doing! Again, a stupid reaction. I should have just gone along with it and acted like I couldn’t get out of the blanket and let them straps me up and gag me. Again, it probably would have played into my growing humiliation fetish and might have been fun! But once I got loose the moment was basically over.

There were some other tie-up games with another set of friends, and in that case, I certainly was the instigator, though we all seemed to get into it and enjoy it. And there were a couple other incidents, one during a sleepover in a tent, again with the handcuff kid and some other friends, where I thought bondage could have happened, but alas, nothing did. In that case I was again the instigator, and a perv, basically suggesting, Gee, what would happen if we got tied up in our sleeping bags? Gee, what indeed? There was some laughing and wrestling and I got pinned down on the ground briefly, but of course I wanted more!

Growing up, though, I was so unsure of myself and so insecure. I knew that bondage fascinated me, but I also felt it was deeply wrong, so everything was secret and underhanded. There are very few benefits to growing old, but one plus is the acceptance that age often brings – that acceptance that, hey, this is just the way I am. Thankfully I didn’t suffer any serious abuse growing up (though the bullying I experienced in school wasn’t fun), but there were these weird and confusing moments like what I describe here suffused with a taboo sexual energy. Though not in fashion anymore, the brilliance of Sigmund Freud is his acknowledgement of these hidden taboo impulses in children, disturbing as that is to consider. But the human creature is deeply weird, and I’m certainly no exception. I still wonder about that girl by the trees though…AND especially about that boy’s mother. What the hell was that all about?