You know how on some of those sites like MySpace, where it asks for your age people will sometimes put down “99 years old” just to fill up the space? I understand the impulse to do that, but I always think that if you just tell the truth it can’t bite you in the ass later. Not that I always follow my own advice. Hell, I lie and shade the truth as much as anyone. But age is one thing that I can deal with. I’m 44. Yeah, I’m getting older and the body inevitably fades, but that’s just how it is. Avoiding stating the truth isn’t going to change anything.

In the scheme of things, my life is actually pretty good and even fairly easy compared to the lot of so many people in this insane world, where just basic nourishment and shelter are ongoing struggles. Just knowing that things could be so much worse plays into my desire to try to be more honest about who I am, including my age. I could say that I’m 37 but the gods would know otherwise.

Well, it’s good to be back in L.A. I had a good visit with my family, though my parents both looked a lot older than they had last time – that inevitable march of time. I felt a little sad and lonely while I was waiting for my luggage at LAX, so afterwards I called it an early night and got some much needed rest. Back to work. In about three weeks is Fetishcon. It’ll go fast.

Not much blogging here lately. I’ve been out of town over the weekend, in Atlanta visiting my parents and family. It’s been a good visit though at times a bit stressful. I love them all but as always family can drive you crazy like no others. Tomorrow I’m flying back to L.A., appropriately on AirTran airlines.

Club Fantasy – Just a reminder that the next Club Fantasy party is coming right up. It’ll be this Friday, July 20th at 8 PM in N. Hollywood, CA. I’ll see you there!

As I mentioned earlier, I’ll be at FetishCon this year in Tampa, from August 9th till the 12th. So if you’re going to be there, let me know. I’m hoping to meet lots of people, and I find it’s always best when you have contacts beforehand whom you’re planning to meet rather than just going in blind and hoping for the best. So feel free to leave me a comment if you’re planning to attend, or you can send me an email on my MySpace page. I’m also looking to do some “trade” shoots with other models and photographers (and maybe even paid shoots under the right circumstances), and I also want to just do some shooting for fun. It’s four days but it’ll go fast. Hope to see you there!

I like the Ontario, CA, airport. It’s much more relaxed than LAX, which is where I get to go later this week to catch another plane to see my parents in Atlanta for a few days. It’ll be a much shorter trip this time. They’re getting older and having some health problems, so I try to see them about twice a year while they’re still here.

I know it’s going to be a shock when they finally die. I really get along with them quite well. My Dad knows about my bondage website and crossdressing, and he actually thinks it’s pretty cool that I get to do something that I enjoy. In the past I often saw him as a guy who was always struggling in life, doing okay but never really having an easy time of it. Which often made me worried, as I feared that I might follow the same path in life as I got older. So it’s a nice development that in the last few years he’s been better off and happier than he’s ever been. It takes some of the pressure off of me.

My Mom knows about my crossdressing and knows I run some sort of website, though she doesn’t really know what it’s about. I used to fear that if she found out that it would destroy her, but now I kind of doubt that. She’s a lot stronger than I give her credit for. In any case, I don’t think she really needs to know any of the gory details anyway, though I’ll admit I often feel like I’m hiding so much of my life from her when I talk to her on the phone. Not that I’m having crazy bondage orgies every weekend, or would even want to talk about that if I was (actually my life is pretty boring in a lot of ways), but that tendency to keep secrets comes very naturally and is a tough habit to break.

I’m still in Colorado for a few days. This morning I’m using a friend’s computer to remotely access my own a thousand miles away, but the really funny thing is that I’m on dial-up. Talk about slow. It’s like a zen exercise in being present to the moment. It always amazes me to realize how many people still use dial-up. I’m no internet snob or anything but if you’re using it and can switch to some form of high speed, you won’t regret it. It’s worth every penny, just in terms of time saved.

Shameless Plug – Speaking of broadband, I posted two long video clips last week on the Ts in Trouble paysite: a couple more “best of” clips from the DVD I made earlier in the year. The scene’s called “Sandra’s Self-Bondage Mistake,” and a couple people have commented on the onscreen mouth-stuffing gag sequence. I used a handkerchief and a fairly large scarf wadded up and shoved in my mouth, pushing it in to the limits of what I could handle. Then I wrapped clear tape over my mouth and around the back of my head several times to hold it all in place, giving me that bizarre “smashed-lips” look you get with clear tape. I never would have done it as real self-bondage, as the choking risk would have been way too high. But with Chainguy on the camera there was little risk of me really getting into danger. I’m hoping to do some more onscreen gagging and stuffing like that, it turned out really well. The files are big though, about 25 MBs each. So no dial-up here.

Yesterday I was in the airport in Ontario, CA, watching a young mother who had three young children to travel with. They were running around and playing and generally have a great time. And what really struck me was how utterly un-selfconscious they were. It was amazing. At a certain point in life we all start having the joy and spontaneity beaten out of us, and we start to learn that we aren’t okay the way we are, that people will hurt us, that we’re on our own, that things generally just aren’t okay in the world. But before that, we’re alive and full of joy and playing in the airport terminal. I almost wished there were some way to protect them from what’s to come, but alas…

I recently got to see Eddie Izzard’s stand-up routine the other night with a very generous friend who snagged some tickets. He’s absolutely brilliant – he does this routine about houseflies that had me laughing my ass off. Whenever I’ve seen him on his recorded shows he’s usually dressed in some fashion or other, though this night he was in boy mode. Either way he’s priceless. If you get a chance to see him you won’t regret it.

I wanted to dress for the show, but it’s been hot as hell all week and I had no desire to go out earlier for dinner with makeup dripping off my face. So I went in my modified androgynous mode, where I try to look more like a musician than a crossdresser – tight jeans and a studded belt, a tight stretchy top, girl’s gym shoes, and eyeliner and dangley earrings. It’s really much more comfortable than doing the full makeup thing, which often leaves me feeling like I’m wearing a mask with a layer of sweat between it and my skin. Even in this manner of dress, I get a lot of looks walking down the street, most just curious but every now and then you see someone who looks confused or maybe even a little offended or something. Of course, who knows what’s really going through anyone’s head? I want to avoid confrontations and always avoid getting into any “stare-downs” with anyone. But it just really shows, even if you push that gender barrier just a little bit, it’s gonna get noticed, for better or worse.

I’m going to be at FetishCon this August in Tampa and am really looking forward to it. I’ve had friends who’ve gone in the past and loved it, but I’ve actually never been to any kink conventions outside of L.A., where DomCon is held. There’ll be a lot of great models and photographers whom I’ve been a fan of for years. So it should be quite an experience and I don’t really have any idea what to expect.

I can sometimes be a little quiet and shy in big groups so if you see me there, please come up and say hi. Believe me, I’ll really appreciate it. I’ll be there for the whole four days, from August 9th till the 12th, and hopefully will have a chance to do some shooting while I’m there. I’ll also be looking to maybe do some “trade” shoots with other models or webmasters (one set for you, one set for me, or something like that). And if any “fans” have custom private shoots they want to do with me tied up, drop me an email from the Trannies site. My rates vary depending on the scene, no sex or cock shots though. Yeah, I’m a big ‘ho.

It was another good party at Club Fantasy tonight. I’m beat, it’s nearly 2:00 AM, but it turned out to be another fun one. I got to tie up a couple girls, including a cute new girl for whom I believe this was one of her first times dressing and her first time ever being tied up. It’s fun to corrupt the young ones. I’m still a little wired from the post-party excitement so I’m just farting around on the web before I call it a night.

I brought a bunch of heels to give away and my friend Blair brought some things too. We were able to give away quite a bit but I still have a big bag left over that I guess is going to the thrift store. Hopefully I won’t buy back my own discarded heels the next time I’m out shopping there.

So tomorrow, Friday, June 15th, I’m bringing about 15 pairs of heels to the Club Fantasy party in N. Hollywood to give away. There are some strappy heels and some ridiculously tall platforms and a few others, mostly in size 12 womens, though there are a few other sizes that other people have given me to bring. And quite a few of them have never been worn at all. They’re just taking up space in my tiny apartment and they have to go. I’ll take anything left over to the Out of the Closet thrift store, one of my favorite places.

See you tomorrow in Hollywoodland!

(Update late 2010 – since doing the Forum more than three years ago my interest in Landmark Education has dropped way off, though it’s still always interesting talking to others who have done it or who are still active in it and hearing what they think of it. I did two other Landmark classes after the Forum but frankly they were very unsatisfying in comparison, and in fact the last one I took was very unpleasant and anxiety-provoking. I don’t really regret doing Landmark, though my bank account is a little smaller. However, would I really recommend it to anyone? No, not really – unless you really really love this sort of thing.)

I haven’t been online much this last week because I was busy over the weekend doing the Landmark Forum. It’s an intense three-day seminar that’s designed to make you look at your life and how you’re living it. It grew out of the est workshops that were started by Werner Erhard back in the 70s. It’s a fairly controversial program. A lot of people have taken it and say it has had a powerful and positive impact on their life. Critics, on the other hand, have accused it of being a cult or of using mind control techniques. A friend who took the seminar earlier this year introduced it to me and I was curious enough that I reluctantly signed up for it. I did it in “Robert” mode.

It is very intense: three 12-hour days in a row. And it’s designed to be confrontational and to really make you look at your shit. I’d have to say it was one of the most intense things I’ve done in a very long time. I resisted it a lot and had many ups and downs over the weekend, more downs than ups, to be honest. But last night there was a short wrap-up evening session and it really brought it all together for me. Before last night I was feeling a little bit freaked out by it.

The funny thing is that there really isn’t much that you need to “buy into” or understand when you’re doing it. It’s certainly not a religion, and although they present many concepts or “distinctions,” as they call them, there’s no pressure that you have to agree or accept anything. It’s also very much concerned with your relationships to friends and family and other people, which leads me to discount the cult charges. Cults are groups that tend to separate people from their families and from others, and create an insular and structured group that has the “right answer.” The Landmark Forum on the other hand is nearly obsessive about your relationships with others and about making even stronger and more authentic connections with other people.

Would I recommend it? If you’re drawn towards this kind of thing, then yes, I definitely would. It’s an experience that’s hard to put into words, and what each person gets out of it is unique. You could write down a long list of the “distinctions” that they present but without the experience of being there it’s just not the same thing at all.

Also, it’s quite expensive – $450 dollars. But having finished it I’d have to say that the money is now a non-issue. It was a really wild up and down ride, but I’d do it again just like that.

Oh, and the gender and kink stuff weren’t even much of an issue over the weekend. I told a few people what I do for a living but I could have not brought it up and I don’t think it would have made a difference to the experience one way or the other.

Some other links and perspectives:

Landmark Education on Wikipedia

Landmark Forum on the Skeptics Dictionary

I’ve just been getting ready a new set of pictures from my last visit with crazy Rebecca H. Heels. I’ll be posting the full set for this Friday’s update on the Ts in Trouble site. It’ll be a self-bondage scene with heavy cuffs, and as always she gave me a totally over-the-top look. Here’s a little preview.