The Awfulness of Clubs

There really is an awfulness to the club scene, even though I really enjoy going out to them and dancing. I love to watch people, especially all the girls kissing each other (you sure do see that a lot), but I’m always so aware of all the people who don’t seem like they’re having a very good time. The desperation and loneliness in these places always seems so close to the surface. Even though I think I’m an optimistic person, I know I have a somewhat morose streak to my personality. It’s like I always find the unhappy people to be the most interesting. I think it’s because I’ve been there myself so many times, spending a night at a club and coming home to think, “Damn, that was really unpleasant.” We’re all looking for some kind of connection and clubs are probably one of the worst places to try to find it. With friends they can be lots of fun, but alone, less so.

Bar Sinister last night

DK and I went out to Bar Sinister in L.A. last night. It’s a Goth club and this was the first time I’d ever visited it, even though it’s really close by. The dungeon area was pretty empty when we first got there, so she tied me up with some hemp rope and a ballgag and blindfold. I knew people were watching us (which I really love), but obviously couldn’t see them. I squirmed back and forth with my arms lashed tightly with chest ropes and began to drool a little when she started to spank me.

Later we hung out and danced for a while. Usually I just like to watch people at these places. There was one girl wearing a long shiny white dress who was so wasted that she had to have a girlfriend help her leave the club. I was afraid she was going to hurl as she passed by.

Out in Public / Passing?

I forgot to mention, the other day after the Bizarre Bazaar, while I was dressed I went out to the local Pavilion’s grocery store to pick up a few things. It was really cool. I go out quite a bit, but usually it’s to places like clubs or TG events, but here I was just in a normal everyday place in broad daylight. I was really happy that I didn’t feel particularly nervous. Of course, since the grocery store was in Hollywood it’s not like they’ve never seen a tranny before.

I’m six feet tall in my bare feet, so most of the time I don’t pass when I’m out. But I try not to worry about it. I think most TGs, especially of the crossdressing variety like myself, don’t pass, but for the most part people have they’re own worries and just don’t care. I suspect someone seeing me, if they noticed me at all, would be thinking something like, “Let’s see, pasta, cheese…I don’t want to forget the salad fixings…Hey, that’s a guy…Oh, I better pick up the dry cleaning before they close…Gee, I sure am hungry…” And I know lots of other people didn’t even notice me at all. The problem’s not passing, it’s getting over my fears of being judged by others.

Bizarre Bazaar

I went out to Threshold’s Bizarre Bazaar this afternoon and had a great time. What I really enjoyed is that I didn’t feel nervous at all. Sometimes when I go alone to these kinds of events, I’ll do a trip on myself thinking, “What if I don’t know anyone?” And then I worry that I’ll just clam up and not enjoy myself at all. But I was pleasantly surprised at just how many people I did know. I also got to briefly say hi to Lorelei from Bedroom Bondage, which was really cool. I’ve been a huge fan for years. Jon Woods was there and tied her up onstage in a hogtie that left me hypnotized. She looked fabulous!

Saturday Night Out at the Lodge (Again)

Tonight my friend Kim and I went out to the Lodge again to hang out and dance. The place was crazy, full of trannies and sexual energy. We met and hung out with a nice new girl who’d recently moved to L.A. I also got hit on a couple times which usually doesn’t happen too often, since oftentimes I think I come across as kind of reserved and unapproachable. I don’t mean to come off that way, but because I’m usually shy when I meet new people I think I sometimes give that impression.

Earlier we went shopping at a cool little clothing store on Santa Monica Blvd. and I bought this stretchy tight sexy black dress which I wore to the club. I can’t wait to shoot some pictures in it. I’m wearing it now as I write (2:40 am), back at home, and don’t want to take it off because I’m feeling kind of turned on. But I’m tired and don’t really want to go to the trouble of jacking off, which is something I sometimes do after a night out. Maybe if I had some new sexy bondage pictures to look at.

Fantasy from Last Night

A fantasy I had: Someone whom I’ve never actually met finds out where I live, somehow ends up with a key to my place, and while I’m on the webcam tying myself up, he lets himself in, grabs me and carries me off, taking me away in the trunk of his car. Everyone online watching sees what’s happening but of course can do nothing about it. They can hear the car driving off and can imagine my muffled cries inside the locked car trunk. Onscreen is my now-empty apartment, the webcam broadcasting silence. Where’s Sandra gone to?

Webcam Fun Last Night

Well, I’m still a slut. I had a great time last night on the webcam. Delilah came by with her paddles and cane. She got me all strapped up tightly and made me endure 30 hard strokes on my ass, leaving some nice bruises.

Later after she left, I intended to call it a night but after chatting a while longer I started to get turned on and ended up in nearly two more hours of self bondage, with this penis gag that forces me to drool uncontrollably. There’s no dignity with that thing strapped in.

Weekend Dancing at the Lodge

Over the weekend I went out with a few TV friends and had a great time Saturday night. There were four of us up at Threshold. We all tied up KR and ran our hands all over her. I’m such an exhibitionist – I should be slapped! I always love when people mingle at the doorways and watch what’s going on. So we molested her for a while and then a few of us decided to go over to the Lodge to hang out.

It’s funny I’ve been enjoying the dance clubs quite a bit more than the BDSM places lately. They’re fine and I’ve met some really nice people (and some scary ones) there, but I’ve never been especially turned on by the “dungeon” atmosphere. I used to hate clubs in general – sometimes there’s so much sexual aggression and cattiness in those places – but if I can dance and I’m with friends it’s fun.

I’m not a good dancer but if I can relax and get into it, I just lose myself in the beat, and it’s better than getting stoned (and there’s no hangover). And I love to check out the other girls on the dance floor. I think it’s like self-medicating in a way. A lot of times I’m quiet and shy and feel kind of trapped in my body (not a transsexual thing but just the pain and stress of living in this physical world). But zoning out in physical movement can really free up those inhibitions.

High Tension

I saw this French horror movie the other night that DK highly recommended. It was called High Tension and is about two pretty French girls who go out to one girl’s parents’ country house and get into a lot of trouble when a psycho killer visits. There’s some nice bondage in it with one of the girls getting chained up and gagged with what looks like a big piece of rubber tubing. And she stays bound and gagged for much of the movie.

The movie’s violent and bloody as hell, so it’s not for the squeamish. But it’s a good stylish horror movie and, hey, a girl gets tied up! There’s also some scenes where we hear her screaming off camera that are very effective.

Reading about Asperger’s Syndrome

The other day when I was looking at the Timelock website I read an interesting post by the guy who developed the software. He found out at a late age that he had Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism characterized by social awkwardness and obsessive interest in some special subject (like dinosaurs or vacuum cleaners or so on.) Makes me almost wonder about myself. I mean, I seem pretty obsessed with bondage and website technology and I’ve always hated trying to make small talk. I wonder if there’s a mild form of AS (which is itself a “mild form.”) Nah, I’m probably just a geeky crossdresser.

Shoot with Tristy

Last night Tristy came by and we shot some really nice pictures (and of course I felt her up a little while she was bound and gagged). We did one that was a full body wrap in saran wrap. Near the end I wrapped her head too and added tape covering almost all her face except for her nose, which I couldn’t resist pinching shut for a few seconds. It was fun!

I’ve been shooting so much lately that I’m not sure when it’ll be posted but I’m really looking forward to it.

Encounters in Pasadena

Last night I drove out to Pasadena, to a nice little bar called Encounters, and met a new friend, a photographer whom I’ve been talking to online for a while. We had a nice chat and talked about maybe getting together for some pictures and fun.

Driving home I saw a billboard for that new show (I think on Lifetime) called Human Trafficking, that has a picture of a woman blindfolded on it. I thought how much kinkier it would look if she were tape gagged too. Sometimes when I see images like that out in public I’m almost embarrassed at how fascinated I am by them. I just want to stop and stare.


Wow, that timelock software really is diabolical. It encrypts a file for a random amount of time – you set the parameters and it picks a time period. Then the file can’t be viewed till the time’s up. So if you have a .jpeg image of your combination lock (one that can be reset) you won’t be able to look at it till the clock runs out. There’s also ways to alter the time displayed so that it’s not completely accurate, thus adding additional torment. Pretty cool…I may have to order one of those Shurlok’s to go with it.

I could imaginge using it with a webcam when I’m at home for a full day, maybe shackled in such a way that I can still work and move around (but with difficulty), and then having my release time chosen randomly – between one and 24 hours…

Self Bondage Webcam Thoughts

I was wondering if you could use something like Skype during a webcam chat to have viewers call in and talk, actually so that I could hear their voices through my computer speakers. Other people watching would then hear them too (which may or may not be good). I’m not sure if that would be exciting or if it would just be a distraction. Of course only one person could call in at a time. I also wonder if there would be feedback from the slight delay that you get in sending out a webcam stream.

I’m also always thinking of setting up some kind of release system for self bondage that generates a random time period, say one to four hours, for example, before I would be released. But I wouldn’t have any way of knowing if it was one hour or four hours or whenever till the key dropped. There was a great post in the Yahoo Group a while back on that, a really wicked device that generated a random time period and actually penalized you with more time if you tried to get free early.

Webcam Last Night

Wow, I’m such a slut! I was on the webcam last night for close to seven hours and really enjoyed it. Several members from the website dropped by and chatted: Kara, Edie, Garcia, Cheryl, Maneater, Chelle and several others that I’m sure I’m forgetting. I’m thinking more and more that I really must be some sort of exhibitionist. I used to think that, “No, not me, I just like to take pictures,” but the funny thing is I found myself getting really turned on knowing that I was being watched. I would stare into the lens of the webcam and imagine that someone was watching and laughing at my helpless plight (which they really were).

I used the ice cube in the pantyhose trick to suspend the handcuff key out of reach. I did it twice. The first time I had my hands cuffed in front and used leather belts to bind myself. That way I could also type and let my hands wander a bit as I struggled and moaned. As it was approaching nine PM, I was sure that the key was going to drop before the top of the hour. So I made a bet that if the ice wasn’t melted by nine I would do it all over again. The minutes ticked by and, damn, finally the key dropped at nine PM and thirty seconds! I couldn’t believe it, though I was also pretty excited about being “forced” to do it again. This time I used six ice cubes in the pantyhose – more than I’ve ever used before – again used the leather straps, clear duct tape over my mouth, with a strip going all the way around my head, and the handcuffs again – but this time cuffed behind my back. Then I sat back to wait and watch the melting ice.

The first hour or so was easy enough. There was some fun chatting going on in the chatroom, though with my arms behind my back I couldn’t participate too much. Then I started to realize that I was growing really tired and could see that the ice still had at least another hour or two to go before it melted. I started to worry a little and lay on the sofa as well as I could to relax. Later it was getting close to midnight and several people had to sign out. I got in front of the webcam and started rocking back and forth and pleading into the lens. The bondage held me so tightly and there was nothing to do but wait. I must have drifted off into some kind of bondage trance. I kept moaning and shaking, regretting that I’d used so many ice cubes, but also really excited even though I was exhausted. Finally it was down to the end and I sat on the sofa staring at the key overhead just out of reach. Kara was so sweet to stay watching till the very end and offering words of encouragement. The ice finally gave way and the key dropped and I was free! It was past midnight. I’d started chatting at five PM, so all together was probably bound and gagged for at least five of the seven hours. Wow, what a turn on!

Bondage Ball

Last night I went to the Bondage Ball and met BV, whom I’ve been talking to through email for a couple weeks. I was so glad she showed up and we got to talk and hang out. DK was also there and we got to visit with her for a while too. I also briefly got to meet Dominic Wolfe, which was really cool. I have to admit though that before anyone got there, when I was wandering around looking at people and they looking at me, I felt really out of place. The crowd seemed way more hip than me – or so I told myself. There were some incredibly hot girls in tight PVC dresses who got me all turned on. There was one in particular with a tight metallic dress that had buckles all the way up and down the back. She was incredible and gave BV a nice compliment about her dress as we were leaving. But to be honest I’m not sure that I need to go to another party like this anytime soon. What bothers me about fetish parties is that it feels like there’s so much pressure to look beautiful and hip that it really isn’t that much fun. I often feel at these events that you can’t really get to know people or make any real contact. The music’s too loud and I worry about how my breath smells. A lot of times I’ll go out at night and come home just feeling alone and depressed.

Busy here

I’ve been thinking for a while I should start keeping a blog to jot down what’s going on in my life and at the website. Hopefully it won’t be too self-indulgent, but since it’s all about ME it probably will be.

Things have been really busy lately. The site’s been up over two years and has taken off in ways I never thought it would. I’m really grateful to all the members who have signed up, especially the ones who have stayed there with me month after month. I hope I’m providing some hot material and a place to talk to others with similar interests. I’m so grateful for the internet. I remember back in the early 90s when I was hearing more and more about it. I spent a year working at an adult bookstore in Colorado Springs – the First Amendment Bookstore, which sadly enough didn’t have much crossdressing bondage material. I remember guys would say it must be the greatest job, since I could watch all the hardcore pornos I wanted to, but they didn’t do anything for me so I rarely ever watched them. I remember telling one guy this and he couldn’t believe me – how could you not watch porn?

Sandra Gibbons talks about what's happening in her world, both bondage related and not