I spent New Years in San Francisco visiting my good friend Kim. New Year’s Eve we ended up at a tranny bar called Diva’s, had some champagne and danced a bit, and watched some really hot Latinas shake their booties. I also finally had the chance to meet my friend Krystal, whom I’d been chatting with for a long time. Unfortunately we didn’t have time to play but I look forward to getting her all strapped up one of these days (he he he…)

Traveling while dressed
I’ve wanted to fly while dressed for a long time and on this trip finally had my chance. I flew out of the Burbank airport, which is small and close to home. I went low-key: girl’s jeans and top, shoes, make-up, jewelry, a coat and a purse. I was a little nervous but tried to act like I belonged there and like it was no big deal. The guy checking IDs at security looked at my passport (which obviously has a male picture on it), then without moving his head his eyes went up to my face, he paused for a moment, his eyes went back down, and he handed me back my ID without saying a word.

I usually feel like I don’t pass very well because I’m so tall. But I started to notice that most people either didn’t notice me at all or if they did, I was probably just another person in the crowd. Of course there were many times when I felt I was being checked out or seemed to notice a look of recognition on someone’s face.

One time I noticed an older woman looking at me several times and then it looked like she was giving me a dirty look as she passed by. But who knows? Maybe she looks that way all the time? That’s the weird thing about “passing.” You just never really know what’s going through someone’s mind unless they say something to you. I think it’s best not to worry about whether or not you’re passing, but it’s hard not to. I accept that crossdressing will always be controversial and that there are going to be some people who won’t like me for doing it. But all I have control over is my reaction to the outer environment.

Hash Brownies
So I was doing such a good job of playing it cool and then everything fell apart. It was later that evening at Kim’s place. I was having a great time just hanging out and decided to sample a couple bites of her special brownies. An hour or so passed and I felt nothing, so we both took another little bite. Then another hour or so passed and it hit me hard. I had such a bad trip! I only occasionally smoke pot, maybe once or twice a year, because I’m especially sensitive to it and never know how I’ll react. Well, for over two hours I was freaking out. I got the shakes really bad and felt totally out of touch with reality and wasn’t sure I was ever going to get back to it. In the back of my mind I realized that it was just the drug and that this too will pass, and then I’d get swept up in it again, like in waves. Kim was very helpful guiding me back and holding my hand. And then finally after a couple hours it began to wind down. The next morning I was back to my senses and I had one of those feelings of clear insight, as though the patterns of my life up to now all made sense and I could see where I was going, and it was good – I was on the right path. Who knows? Maybe it was all just an after-effect, but I sure felt good. In retrospect it was an intriguing experience, though scary as hell at the time.

A few days ago I had a great time on the webcam with Binder G. After tying me to my chair he began to wrap scarves around my face, adding layers and layers of gags and blindfolds, and finally wrapping plastic wrap over everything, leaving just my nose sticking out. He did a great mind-fuck on me, threatening to suffocate me with plastic wrap or with his hands over my nose. I had to really concentrate on relaxing to not get freaked out and into a panic.

Last night I was here working on the computer and I heard these loud “pop, pop, pop” sounds. I was thinking, those crazy kids and their fireworks! Then I heard all this loud aggressive shouting and after a few minutes saw the colored lights from the black and whites reflected on my curtains. The cops put up their caution tape all down the block and were out there looking for shells till two in the morning. I don’t know if anyone got hurt but apparently someone was pissed. I love this city but it can really be messed up sometimes.

I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, because I love the attention, but I can’t keep up with Yahoo 360! I’m happy to talk to everyone but I know that I neglect a lot of the messages and friend requests because there are so many of them. I’m sure I’m also neglecting my regular email too. So if I’m forgetting anyone, please forgive me, it’s really not personal. It’s just that my inbox runneth over…

It’s weird how TG admirers – guys who like t-girls – get such a bad rap. I sort of understand why – I’ve been to clubs where some guy who’s been drinking too much paws me and breathes in my face and generally acts unpleasant. But I often see postings online that seem to have a real disdain for admirers and I don’t really know why. I sometimes wonder, is there some residual self-hatred that we t-girls project onto these guys? I don’t know, but the attitude I sometimes see reminds me of that Groucho Marx line about not wanting to belong to a club that would have me as a member. Actually most of the time I enjoy the attention I get from guys when I’m out at the clubs, unless it’s especially gross or pushy. And I find that being with a guy romantically makes me feel so femme, which I just love. He’s the man and I get to be the object of desire. It’s not PC to say so but I love that feeling of being held, possessed, used and under his control.

It seems sometimes that self bondage gets put down as being not real or somehow less valid than doing bondage with another person. But I’ve always found it just really sexy in and of itself. I have done self bondage sometimes when I didn’t have anyone to tie me up, but I’ve also done it many times when I was just in the mood for a good self tie. The heightened sense of danger, which is very real – people do make mistakes and accidentally hurt or kill themselved doing self bondage – really does add to the thrill. I know it’s risky, and that some people will say I’m not being “safe, sane and consensual” in doing it. Hell, I’ve even sworn in the past many times that I would never do it again…but it ain’t gonna happen. I know myself too well. That idea of getting in over my head has always been a turn on. Even if I had dozens of tie-up partners, I’d still have the desire to do self bondage from time to time. And now that I have this webcam going it’s gotten even better – having people watch while I’m doing something that’s risky, intimate, and potentially humiliating. Just another pleasant evening at home.

Tonight’s webcam show was awesome for me. I hope it was good for everyone watching. It started out with just some simple self bondage and then turned really intense. This crazy-ass guy, Binder G, came by and absolutely worked me over. He put me in several ties and tormented me by tightening a rope down around my neck right to the point of worry and fear. Then it was a cruel spanking without any warming up, just wailing away on my ass till I was about to go crazy. Finally he did a super tight hogtie and then tied me to a long bamboo pole, did some mind-fucking (pretending that he was going to leave me there alone), and left me exhausted and spent on the floor. Damn, what an evening.

There really is an awfulness to the club scene, even though I really enjoy going out to them and dancing. I love to watch people, especially all the girls kissing each other (you sure do see that a lot), but I’m always so aware of all the people who don’t seem like they’re having a very good time. The desperation and loneliness in these places always seems so close to the surface. Even though I think I’m an optimistic person, I know I have a somewhat morose streak to my personality. It’s like I always find the unhappy people to be the most interesting. I think it’s because I’ve been there myself so many times, spending a night at a club and coming home to think, “Damn, that was really unpleasant.” We’re all looking for some kind of connection and clubs are probably one of the worst places to try to find it. With friends they can be lots of fun, but alone, less so.

DK and I went out to Bar Sinister in L.A. last night. It’s a Goth club and this was the first time I’d ever visited it, even though it’s really close by. The dungeon area was pretty empty when we first got there, so she tied me up with some hemp rope and a ballgag and blindfold. I knew people were watching us (which I really love), but obviously couldn’t see them. I squirmed back and forth with my arms lashed tightly with chest ropes and began to drool a little when she started to spank me.

Later we hung out and danced for a while. Usually I just like to watch people at these places. There was one girl wearing a long shiny white dress who was so wasted that she had to have a girlfriend help her leave the club. I was afraid she was going to hurl as she passed by.

I forgot to mention, the other day after the Bizarre Bazaar, while I was dressed I went out to the local Pavilion’s grocery store to pick up a few things. It was really cool. I go out quite a bit, but usually it’s to places like clubs or TG events, but here I was just in a normal everyday place in broad daylight. I was really happy that I didn’t feel particularly nervous. Of course, since the grocery store was in Hollywood it’s not like they’ve never seen a tranny before.

I’m six feet tall in my bare feet, so most of the time I don’t pass when I’m out. But I try not to worry about it. I think most TGs, especially of the crossdressing variety like myself, don’t pass, but for the most part people have they’re own worries and just don’t care. I suspect someone seeing me, if they noticed me at all, would be thinking something like, “Let’s see, pasta, cheese…I don’t want to forget the salad fixings…Hey, that’s a guy…Oh, I better pick up the dry cleaning before they close…Gee, I sure am hungry…” And I know lots of other people didn’t even notice me at all. The problem’s not passing, it’s getting over my fears of being judged by others.

I went out to Threshold’s Bizarre Bazaar this afternoon and had a great time. What I really enjoyed is that I didn’t feel nervous at all. Sometimes when I go alone to these kinds of events, I’ll do a trip on myself thinking, “What if I don’t know anyone?” And then I worry that I’ll just clam up and not enjoy myself at all. But I was pleasantly surprised at just how many people I did know. I also got to briefly say hi to Lorelei from Bedroom Bondage, which was really cool. I’ve been a huge fan for years. Jon Woods was there and tied her up onstage in a hogtie that left me hypnotized. She looked fabulous!

Tonight my friend Kim and I went out to the Lodge again to hang out and dance. The place was crazy, full of trannies and sexual energy. We met and hung out with a nice new girl who’d recently moved to L.A. I also got hit on a couple times which usually doesn’t happen too often, since oftentimes I think I come across as kind of reserved and unapproachable. I don’t mean to come off that way, but because I’m usually shy when I meet new people I think I sometimes give that impression.

Earlier we went shopping at a cool little clothing store on Santa Monica Blvd. and I bought this stretchy tight sexy black dress which I wore to the club. I can’t wait to shoot some pictures in it. I’m wearing it now as I write (2:40 am), back at home, and don’t want to take it off because I’m feeling kind of turned on. But I’m tired and don’t really want to go to the trouble of jacking off, which is something I sometimes do after a night out. Maybe if I had some new sexy bondage pictures to look at.

A fantasy I had: Someone whom I’ve never actually met finds out where I live, somehow ends up with a key to my place, and while I’m on the webcam tying myself up, he lets himself in, grabs me and carries me off, taking me away in the trunk of his car. Everyone online watching sees what’s happening but of course can do nothing about it. They can hear the car driving off and can imagine my muffled cries inside the locked car trunk. Onscreen is my now-empty apartment, the webcam broadcasting silence. Where’s Sandra gone to?

Well, I’m still a slut. I had a great time last night on the webcam. Delilah came by with her paddles and cane. She got me all strapped up tightly and made me endure 30 hard strokes on my ass, leaving some nice bruises.

Later after she left, I intended to call it a night but after chatting a while longer I started to get turned on and ended up in nearly two more hours of self bondage, with this penis gag that forces me to drool uncontrollably. There’s no dignity with that thing strapped in.

I love this site! It’s so dark – pretty funny too.

www.deathclock.com

Over the weekend I went out with a few TV friends and had a great time Saturday night. There were four of us up at Threshold. We all tied up KR and ran our hands all over her. I’m such an exhibitionist – I should be slapped! I always love when people mingle at the doorways and watch what’s going on. So we molested her for a while and then a few of us decided to go over to the Lodge to hang out.

It’s funny I’ve been enjoying the dance clubs quite a bit more than the BDSM places lately. They’re fine and I’ve met some really nice people (and some scary ones) there, but I’ve never been especially turned on by the “dungeon” atmosphere. I used to hate clubs in general – sometimes there’s so much sexual aggression and cattiness in those places – but if I can dance and I’m with friends it’s fun.

I’m not a good dancer but if I can relax and get into it, I just lose myself in the beat, and it’s better than getting stoned (and there’s no hangover). And I love to check out the other girls on the dance floor. I think it’s like self-medicating in a way. A lot of times I’m quiet and shy and feel kind of trapped in my body (not a transsexual thing but just the pain and stress of living in this physical world). But zoning out in physical movement can really free up those inhibitions.

The other day when I was looking at the Timelock website I read an interesting post by the guy who developed the software. He found out at a late age that he had Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism characterized by social awkwardness and obsessive interest in some special subject (like dinosaurs or vacuum cleaners or so on.) Makes me almost wonder about myself. I mean, I seem pretty obsessed with bondage and website technology and I’ve always hated trying to make small talk. I wonder if there’s a mild form of AS (which is itself a “mild form.”) Nah, I’m probably just a geeky crossdresser.