Last night I was here working on the computer and I heard these loud “pop, pop, pop” sounds. I was thinking, those crazy kids and their fireworks! Then I heard all this loud aggressive shouting and after a few minutes saw the colored lights from the black and whites reflected on my curtains. The cops put up their caution tape all down the block and were out there looking for shells till two in the morning. I don’t know if anyone got hurt but apparently someone was pissed. I love this city but it can really be messed up sometimes.

I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, because I love the attention, but I can’t keep up with Yahoo 360! I’m happy to talk to everyone but I know that I neglect a lot of the messages and friend requests because there are so many of them. I’m sure I’m also neglecting my regular email too. So if I’m forgetting anyone, please forgive me, it’s really not personal. It’s just that my inbox runneth over…

It’s weird how TG admirers – guys who like t-girls – get such a bad rap. I sort of understand why – I’ve been to clubs where some guy who’s been drinking too much paws me and breathes in my face and generally acts unpleasant. But I often see postings online that seem to have a real disdain for admirers and I don’t really know why. I sometimes wonder, is there some residual self-hatred that we t-girls project onto these guys? I don’t know, but the attitude I sometimes see reminds me of that Groucho Marx line about not wanting to belong to a club that would have me as a member. Actually most of the time I enjoy the attention I get from guys when I’m out at the clubs, unless it’s especially gross or pushy. And I find that being with a guy romantically makes me feel so femme, which I just love. He’s the man and I get to be the object of desire. It’s not PC to say so but I love that feeling of being held, possessed, used and under his control.

It seems sometimes that self bondage gets put down as being not real or somehow less valid than doing bondage with another person. But I’ve always found it just really sexy in and of itself. I have done self bondage sometimes when I didn’t have anyone to tie me up, but I’ve also done it many times when I was just in the mood for a good self tie. The heightened sense of danger, which is very real – people do make mistakes and accidentally hurt or kill themselved doing self bondage – really does add to the thrill. I know it’s risky, and that some people will say I’m not being “safe, sane and consensual” in doing it. Hell, I’ve even sworn in the past many times that I would never do it again…but it ain’t gonna happen. I know myself too well. That idea of getting in over my head has always been a turn on. Even if I had dozens of tie-up partners, I’d still have the desire to do self bondage from time to time. And now that I have this webcam going it’s gotten even better – having people watch while I’m doing something that’s risky, intimate, and potentially humiliating. Just another pleasant evening at home.

Tonight’s webcam show was awesome for me. I hope it was good for everyone watching. It started out with just some simple self bondage and then turned really intense. This crazy-ass guy, Binder G, came by and absolutely worked me over. He put me in several ties and tormented me by tightening a rope down around my neck right to the point of worry and fear. Then it was a cruel spanking without any warming up, just wailing away on my ass till I was about to go crazy. Finally he did a super tight hogtie and then tied me to a long bamboo pole, did some mind-fucking (pretending that he was going to leave me there alone), and left me exhausted and spent on the floor. Damn, what an evening.

There really is an awfulness to the club scene, even though I really enjoy going out to them and dancing. I love to watch people, especially all the girls kissing each other (you sure do see that a lot), but I’m always so aware of all the people who don’t seem like they’re having a very good time. The desperation and loneliness in these places always seems so close to the surface. Even though I think I’m an optimistic person, I know I have a somewhat morose streak to my personality. It’s like I always find the unhappy people to be the most interesting. I think it’s because I’ve been there myself so many times, spending a night at a club and coming home to think, “Damn, that was really unpleasant.” We’re all looking for some kind of connection and clubs are probably one of the worst places to try to find it. With friends they can be lots of fun, but alone, less so.

DK and I went out to Bar Sinister in L.A. last night. It’s a Goth club and this was the first time I’d ever visited it, even though it’s really close by. The dungeon area was pretty empty when we first got there, so she tied me up with some hemp rope and a ballgag and blindfold. I knew people were watching us (which I really love), but obviously couldn’t see them. I squirmed back and forth with my arms lashed tightly with chest ropes and began to drool a little when she started to spank me.

Later we hung out and danced for a while. Usually I just like to watch people at these places. There was one girl wearing a long shiny white dress who was so wasted that she had to have a girlfriend help her leave the club. I was afraid she was going to hurl as she passed by.

I forgot to mention, the other day after the Bizarre Bazaar, while I was dressed I went out to the local Pavilion’s grocery store to pick up a few things. It was really cool. I go out quite a bit, but usually it’s to places like clubs or TG events, but here I was just in a normal everyday place in broad daylight. I was really happy that I didn’t feel particularly nervous. Of course, since the grocery store was in Hollywood it’s not like they’ve never seen a tranny before.

I’m six feet tall in my bare feet, so most of the time I don’t pass when I’m out. But I try not to worry about it. I think most TGs, especially of the crossdressing variety like myself, don’t pass, but for the most part people have they’re own worries and just don’t care. I suspect someone seeing me, if they noticed me at all, would be thinking something like, “Let’s see, pasta, cheese…I don’t want to forget the salad fixings…Hey, that’s a guy…Oh, I better pick up the dry cleaning before they close…Gee, I sure am hungry…” And I know lots of other people didn’t even notice me at all. The problem’s not passing, it’s getting over my fears of being judged by others.

I went out to Threshold’s Bizarre Bazaar this afternoon and had a great time. What I really enjoyed is that I didn’t feel nervous at all. Sometimes when I go alone to these kinds of events, I’ll do a trip on myself thinking, “What if I don’t know anyone?” And then I worry that I’ll just clam up and not enjoy myself at all. But I was pleasantly surprised at just how many people I did know. I also got to briefly say hi to Lorelei from Bedroom Bondage, which was really cool. I’ve been a huge fan for years. Jon Woods was there and tied her up onstage in a hogtie that left me hypnotized. She looked fabulous!

Tonight my friend Kim and I went out to the Lodge again to hang out and dance. The place was crazy, full of trannies and sexual energy. We met and hung out with a nice new girl who’d recently moved to L.A. I also got hit on a couple times which usually doesn’t happen too often, since oftentimes I think I come across as kind of reserved and unapproachable. I don’t mean to come off that way, but because I’m usually shy when I meet new people I think I sometimes give that impression.

Earlier we went shopping at a cool little clothing store on Santa Monica Blvd. and I bought this stretchy tight sexy black dress which I wore to the club. I can’t wait to shoot some pictures in it. I’m wearing it now as I write (2:40 am), back at home, and don’t want to take it off because I’m feeling kind of turned on. But I’m tired and don’t really want to go to the trouble of jacking off, which is something I sometimes do after a night out. Maybe if I had some new sexy bondage pictures to look at.

A fantasy I had: Someone whom I’ve never actually met finds out where I live, somehow ends up with a key to my place, and while I’m on the webcam tying myself up, he lets himself in, grabs me and carries me off, taking me away in the trunk of his car. Everyone online watching sees what’s happening but of course can do nothing about it. They can hear the car driving off and can imagine my muffled cries inside the locked car trunk. Onscreen is my now-empty apartment, the webcam broadcasting silence. Where’s Sandra gone to?

Well, I’m still a slut. I had a great time last night on the webcam. Delilah came by with her paddles and cane. She got me all strapped up tightly and made me endure 30 hard strokes on my ass, leaving some nice bruises.

Later after she left, I intended to call it a night but after chatting a while longer I started to get turned on and ended up in nearly two more hours of self bondage, with this penis gag that forces me to drool uncontrollably. There’s no dignity with that thing strapped in.

I love this site! It’s so dark – pretty funny too.

www.deathclock.com

Over the weekend I went out with a few TV friends and had a great time Saturday night. There were four of us up at Threshold. We all tied up KR and ran our hands all over her. I’m such an exhibitionist – I should be slapped! I always love when people mingle at the doorways and watch what’s going on. So we molested her for a while and then a few of us decided to go over to the Lodge to hang out.

It’s funny I’ve been enjoying the dance clubs quite a bit more than the BDSM places lately. They’re fine and I’ve met some really nice people (and some scary ones) there, but I’ve never been especially turned on by the “dungeon” atmosphere. I used to hate clubs in general – sometimes there’s so much sexual aggression and cattiness in those places – but if I can dance and I’m with friends it’s fun.

I’m not a good dancer but if I can relax and get into it, I just lose myself in the beat, and it’s better than getting stoned (and there’s no hangover). And I love to check out the other girls on the dance floor. I think it’s like self-medicating in a way. A lot of times I’m quiet and shy and feel kind of trapped in my body (not a transsexual thing but just the pain and stress of living in this physical world). But zoning out in physical movement can really free up those inhibitions.

The other day when I was looking at the Timelock website I read an interesting post by the guy who developed the software. He found out at a late age that he had Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism characterized by social awkwardness and obsessive interest in some special subject (like dinosaurs or vacuum cleaners or so on.) Makes me almost wonder about myself. I mean, I seem pretty obsessed with bondage and website technology and I’ve always hated trying to make small talk. I wonder if there’s a mild form of AS (which is itself a “mild form.”) Nah, I’m probably just a geeky crossdresser.

Last night Tristy came by and we shot some really nice pictures (and of course I felt her up a little while she was bound and gagged). We did one that was a full body wrap in saran wrap. Near the end I wrapped her head too and added tape covering almost all her face except for her nose, which I couldn’t resist pinching shut for a few seconds. It was fun!

I’ve been shooting so much lately that I’m not sure when it’ll be posted but I’m really looking forward to it.

Last night I drove out to Pasadena, to a nice little bar called Encounters, and met a new friend, a photographer whom I’ve been talking to online for a while. We had a nice chat and talked about maybe getting together for some pictures and fun.

Driving home I saw a billboard for that new show (I think on Lifetime) called Human Trafficking, that has a picture of a woman blindfolded on it. I thought how much kinkier it would look if she were tape gagged too. Sometimes when I see images like that out in public I’m almost embarrassed at how fascinated I am by them. I just want to stop and stare.

Wow, that timelock software really is diabolical. It encrypts a file for a random amount of time – you set the parameters and it picks a time period. Then the file can’t be viewed till the time’s up. So if you have a .jpeg image of your combination lock (one that can be reset) you won’t be able to look at it till the clock runs out. There’s also ways to alter the time displayed so that it’s not completely accurate, thus adding additional torment. Pretty cool…I may have to order one of those Shurlok’s to go with it.

I could imaginge using it with a webcam when I’m at home for a full day, maybe shackled in such a way that I can still work and move around (but with difficulty), and then having my release time chosen randomly – between one and 24 hours…

OK, I’m obsessed. I was looking at this timelock program again…intriguing…

Timelock Software

And this cool lock box…Could get in some real trouble with this sort of thing :-)

Shurlok

I was wondering if you could use something like Skype during a webcam chat to have viewers call in and talk, actually so that I could hear their voices through my computer speakers. Other people watching would then hear them too (which may or may not be good). I’m not sure if that would be exciting or if it would just be a distraction. Of course only one person could call in at a time. I also wonder if there would be feedback from the slight delay that you get in sending out a webcam stream.

I’m also always thinking of setting up some kind of release system for self bondage that generates a random time period, say one to four hours, for example, before I would be released. But I wouldn’t have any way of knowing if it was one hour or four hours or whenever till the key dropped. There was a great post in the Yahoo Group a while back on that, a really wicked device that generated a random time period and actually penalized you with more time if you tried to get free early.