Since my sublet here is winding down I’ve been packing up again for yet another move, a short one this time, at the end of the month. I was going through some old papers and found an old diary that I’d written way back in the mid-nineties, when I spent a year in New York City. What really struck me the most was how desperately unhappy I was back then. I’ve talked a lot on this blog about my struggles from time to time with low moods, so I can’t say I’m really a happy person (wish I could), but I’m certainly better than I was way back then. Geez, I did not have a clue and was terribly dramatic – everything seemed weighted with significance and life or death importance. I hope I’ve come at least a little ways since then.

The real lesson I took from reading that again is just the obvious conclusion that none of us can predict the future. When I moved to L.A. about nine years ago I thought I would probably spend the rest of my life there. Not so. And now that I’m in Denver I can see that I have no idea what the future will hold or how long I’ll really be here (although being in a sublet and moving twice in such a short time does heighten the sense of things being temporary). I do like it here pretty well and think things will work out in the long run, but really, who knows? Nothing profound about all this but it does take some of the pressure off. I was writing about things back in the nineties that seemed so important at the time and now they’re just vague memories.

I also found some old Harmony magazines too, old favorites from years ago, and scanned a few photos from them, though I apologize for the image quality. I really loved these pictures of Sarah Foster Tate in this bronze rubber dress – she was always terrific! And here’s a favorite set of Lyndia in a sexy white blouse with a wide corset belt, nicely tied and gagged. (I know these are still under copyright but, hey, they’re old and I don’t think they’re on any pay sites. If the owners of these images see them here and want them down, though, just let me know and I’ll do so right away. In the meantime, enjoy!

When it’s night and I part the curtains and look out a window, I almost always have a moment’s hesitation where I’m sure that there’s going to be a face looking right back at me – not a reflection but someone actually standing there. When I was a kid, those lines from the schmaltzy song “Those Were the Days” about the strange reflection in the glass used to always give me the willies in the same way. I’m not sure why this is, or why I’m blogging about it ;-)

It is, though, mid May and I just looked out the window. We still have snow rolling in again!

I’ve been staying in a short term sublet here in Denver and am moving to a new place in town at the end of the month. Every time I move I always feel a little nervous about the prospect of dressing and going out again and inevitably being seen by the neighbors. That little walk from the front door to the car always seems to be the toughest. Going out and being in a club or even out on the streets aren’t that big a deal in comparison, although to be honest I’ve never really enjoyed going out in the daytime all that much.

For someone who has their pictures all over the internet I’m really kind of private and don’t like that much attention in the real world. And the thought of being seen by the neighbors always makes me worried. I always wonder what would happen if they were totally freaked out and wanted to make a situation out of it, although that’s never happened. Back in L.A. there were lots of neighbors in a fairly concentrated area and I was seen many times, without any issues about it. I know there are some crossdressers out there who have this incredible confidence and who will go anywhere and not feel any doubt or anxiety about it. I’m not sure how one does that! I mean, I’ve been out many times and can’t say I’ve had any major problems, but it’s never been something that I just love to do.

I do suspect everything will work out fine at the new place, as every other place I’ve been before has worked out fine. And there’ll be a little more space than I’m used to, so I’m looking forward to that, especially for future photoshoots. Wish me luck though. I’ll be loading up the UHaul truck yet again in about three weeks, but only driving a few miles this time.

Thanks to everyone who’s sent me happy birthday greetings – I really appreciate it! Some years my birthday gets me down but this one was pretty good. I think I’m getting to the age where the continued passage of time just feels inevitable and is not such a shock (at least until I hit the next big milestone, in which case I’ll freak out again!)

A good friend and I went out the other day on a hike down to some famour dinosaur tracks in Southern Colorado. When you see something that’s estimated to be over 100 million years old it just leaves one with a sense of awe, and somehow my own worries and concerns seem pretty insignificant, and pretty fleeting. If my math is right, it would take over 50,000 repetitions of our modern 2,000 year era to get back to the days when those tracks were made. To quote Keanu, “Whoa!”

I’ve noticed more and more that I have big anxiety issues with email. It seems that in the last year the volume of incoming email has really ratcheted up and I find myself having a harder and harder time responding to all of it. I even find myself feeling deeply guilty when I don’t respond and sometimes moaning when I look at my inbox and see this huge lists of unanswered emails with those little checkmarks next to them. Oftentimes I’ll just close Outlook Express in despair, realizing that the list will only be bigger tomorrow and knowing that I’ll probably never get it down to zero. Last week I was answering some email and realized that I’d spent three hours on it and had still only made a dent.

Now I don’t want to complain and I don’t want people to not write me, as I know that the reason there’s all that email is that lots of people like Trannies In Trouble, for which I’m truly grateful. The website is a ton of work but it’s been one of the better things I’ve ever done in my life. But I also realized recently that at the present moment my relationship to email is out of balance and causing me a lot of mental anguish and I have to accept that until I get better at it and improve my email skills the sense that I’m overwhelmed by it is going to continue to cause me anxiety. Right now I can only accept that my inbox is way out of whack, my abilities to deal with it are lacking, and I haven’t even begun to figure it out yet.

As I’ve mentioned here before I’m the kind of person who typically has a guilty conscience. I want to please people and, like most of us, I want people to like me. And the unanswered emails make me feel like I’m letting people down, hurting others’ feelings, and making people resentful – reactions that are most likely way overblown and just coming from my own worried and overheated brain. So in a way I’m asking for forgiveness in writing this blog post. If I haven’t written back, it’s not personal. I just don’t know how to stay on top of it, and I know there are a lot of people who will probably never get a response. I don’t like that but I know that until I figure out a better way that’s how it is. Email (and the internet) is a blessing and a curse. Thanks for indulging me if you’ve read this far and leave me a comment here if you’re in the same boat or have any thoughts. Actually blog comments are way better than email and are probably way likelier to get a response, though at this point I can’t even promise that ;-)

The last couple weeks I’ve been out with my friend K. at some restaurants and we got the “Hi, ladies” greeting during two different outings, even though I was in guy mode both times. Now, for a crossdresser it’s kind of cool to be mistaken for a woman when you’re not even dressed, though I always feel for the poor server, as they immediately see their error and apologize. One waitress actually did it twice during the same meal and then apologized each time. It’s the hair. Mine’s not really that long but it’s longer than most guys, and because I’m fairly slender, when they approach from behind they sometimes read me as a girl. When the waitress apologized the second time, I just said, “Don’t worry, I get that a lot.” Which isn’t really true. It doesn’t happen that often, but again it is kind of cool when it does.

A friend recently sent me a few old Sally Roberts pics that I just had to share. She’s perhaps my all-time favorite bondage model – her pretty face and wide innocent eyes and just her whole manner was so unique and special – a real one of a kind. It’s a shame that she doesn’t have an archive site with all her old material – I’d sign up in a second. The first picture with her tape gagged while Susan Blair wraps a chest rope around her is especially stunning. Great stuff. I just saw that Harmony has a few of her old DVDs still for sale, so I might have to order a couple once I get more settled in here in Denver.

Well, my move was quite an adventure, with car trouble in Santa Fe, but I’ve been in Denver for one day now, with my good friend K., cleaning and moving in to my new temporary sublet where I’ll be for a few months. It’s funny but whenever I travel I always find myself growing terribly horny after a few days – probably due to the stress of being out of my usual routine and maybe also from not being able to easily look at any bondage pics ;-) Earlier today, for example, I saw a woman wearing a tight white blouse and my mind instantly went to duct tape and tight chest ropes. Makes my toes curl.

Every year when I hear about the anniversary of the Iraq war on the news I’m also reminded about the anniversary of Ts in Trouble. I remember it was that same week that the bombs started falling that I went online with the site. I’m always amazed when another year passes and it’s still humming along (and the war too!) I’ll be making some new contacts in Denver, I’m sure, but I’m planning for the basic look and feel of the site to remain the same. I’m really looking forward to that ten year anniversary, which I’m sure will pass just like that…Let’s hope the war isn’t still going on, though it sadly seems naive to think otherwise…

Well, my big move to Denver is bearing down on me. I’m getting a truck in exactly one week, loading it up, and hitting the road. I’ll apologize in advance about my response to emails (which is always so so), and it’ll be really bad for the next couple weeks till I get a little more settled. But of course the updates will continue on the site as usual.

It’s crazy, but getting a UHaul truck is so expensive in L.A. that I’m actually going to go with a good friend to Vegas and drive it back from there to Los Angeles, and then head off to Denver, which allows me to save hundreds of dollars. It’s nuts but is a big enough difference that it’s worth the hassle.

So right now I’m in that every-minute-counts mode where there’s never enough time. Moving’s never fun but this too will pass, and hopefully I’ll have some new club news and some new shoots from the mile-high city fairly soon.

Speaking of Club Fantasy, a few days ago my friend Chainguy and I shot some pictures to help promote the party and also the club, Threshold, where it’s held. We also shot some bondage, of course, so some of these shots will show up on the site later this year. We had a really fun time and had some other friends also stop by to visit and help out (thanks to D. especially!) The club is very large so it was great to be able to spread out and shoot in such a variety of different rooms. We even did a couple smoking shots at the makeup mirror. Now, I don’t smoke and don’t advocate smoking for anyone (and it’s really not a smoking club), but I’ll admit it was surprisingly soothing and pleasant, so I’d better watch it and not light up again or it could become a habit. It certainly does look cool for pictures, though, so maybe I’ll have to get some clove cigarettes and shoot some more. Anyway, it was a fun couple of days.

Since I’m moving to Denver soon the Club Fantasy party on the 5th was my last one for a while, and it was really nice. I want to emphasize that the parties will be continuing on like normal, every first Friday of the month in N. Hollywood, and I will really miss being there, but hope to come back later in the year for a visit. Like I say, this last party was terrific and became something of a going-away party. Everyone was so generous – especially one reader who knows who he is – Wow! There’ll be some really sharp pictures in the not too distant future ;-) We also had all kinds of food, including three cakes! I ate way too much but it was delicious! I won’t try to name everyone who was there, as I’m sure I’ll forget someone, but so many friends had such kind things to say. I was really touched but thankfully I didn’t get teary-eyed till much later. The parties have been going on since around 2005. We’ve had some really fun evenings with good play, and also those times when only a handful of people showed up, but even some of those were enjoyable when we’d all hang out in the break room and visit. These parties will always have a warm place in my heart, and it’s going to be tough leaving it behind for now. I will miss you all.

Another month’s almost passed and the next Club Fantasy party will be next Friday, March 5th, from 8:00 PM till 1:30 AM in North Hollywood, CA. I’m really looking forward to it, but it’ll be a little bittersweet for me. A lot of my friends already know that I’m moving to Denver in April, so it’ll be my last party for a while. I do hope to come back to visit from time to time, though, and do more shoots in L.A. And I don’t anticipate any real changes to the website, as I spent last summer in Colorado and was just as busy shooting and working on it there as I am here. L.A.’s been good, but she’s a cruel mistress. Lots of great things here, and lots of pressures, and I ain’t gettin’ any younger. I’ve actually been thinking of moving for a couple years and the timing feels right about now. So hopefully all the regulars and new friends will make it out to the party. It’ll be a good one. Hope to see you there!

Club Fantasy Details

I’ve never had lustful thoughts for Kelly Osbourne before but when I saw her on this magazine I had to stop and look at it for a full minute. She looks terrific and I want that dress ;-)

Sybil and I have been talking about doing a shoot for about a year and we finally had the chance yesterday while she was here in town. I had a really fun time with her, getting her all tied up and hanging out afterwards. She’s a fabulous girl and just as nice as she is gorgeous! We shot in Hollywood, and if you look really close you can just make out the Hollywood sign way off on the hill in the first shot, with the tiny radio tower just above it. I’ll post the full set of these shots in a few weeks on the site, where Sybil gets rope tied and ball gagged and looks really really cute.

As the afternoon faded Sybil’s friend, the amazing Jean Bardot, stopped by to visit and was so nice to actually help us out behind the scenes. Jean’s terrific and great fun to hang out with. I’d met her briefly last year at a party and was a little star struck, but it’s always amazing how when you meet someone in real life whom you’ve admired online, they’re usually just like regular people (though really really attractive!) It was a fun time and I’m looking forward to getting Sybil’s pics up on the site and hope we get a chance to shoot again before too long.