Just a quick reminder that the Kinkster Hike is coming up soon on Saturday, April 12th, in Griffith Park in Los Angeles. It’s free and open to everyone, and I’ve been hearing from quite a few friends who are planning to attend. Invites have also been posted with lots of the local bdsm groups in SoCal. So it should be a good turnout and a fun time. Hope to see you there!

KinksterHike website

It took me a while but I finally got around to seeing that movie “Captivity” on DVD. It’s the one that caused all the stir last year around this time with the creepy billboards.

I have to say that it’s about one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Stunningly bad. The actress is beautiful and it has good Hollywood production values in terms of lighting and photography and sound, but it’s such a stinker. I didn’t find a single moment of tension or fear or excitement in the whole thing. It was actually boring, which is strange for a movie that’s supposed to be a thriller. There were some nasty scenes of Elisha Cuthbert being forced to endure various unpleasantries – one involving a blender and some body parts is really gross, but it was all done in such a rote manner that I found myself repeatedly hitting the fast forward. At the end there’s a ridiculous “avenging angel” sequence where the former hunted becomes the hunter but it just feels like it was tacked on as a routine paint-by-numbers thriller sequence.

What’s really hard to figure out is that this thing was actually directed by the guy who made “The Killing Fields,” which is such a hard-hitting and humane picture. I have no idea how Roland Joffe got involved in this piece of drek. It’s a real head-scratcher.

Oh, and from my own twisted perspective, I of course have to mention that there’s no real bondage in the movie worth even looking at. There are some leather restraints used on a dental chair but I didn’t find anything sexy about any of it. Actually, the twisted billboard images and the DVD box art (with the actress looking out through a chain link fence with a tear running down her cheek), are way better than the actual movie. Definitely not recommended.

Being in a more reflective mood lately, here are some things I’d like to do while I’m still here on planet earth. In no particular order:

— Go bungee jumping, especially at this place.

— Do a tandem skydive.

— Hike from the Santa Monica pier to Rancho Palos Verdes along the coast. I think it’s about 20 miles.

— Meet and get together with more bondage tops. Not to complain, but you’d think living in a big city it would be really easy to find bondage tops who are into damsel in distress style bondage and like to tie up trannies. But my experience has actually been that they’re quite hard to find.

My preference when I play is to be tied up by guys, though of course I’m flexible and open to possibilities. I hear from lots of guys who aren’t into bondage and who just want me to give them a blowjob. And while I’m not really looking for sex, to be honest I’m sometimes open to some sexual contact with the right person and under safe conditions. But when you hear, “Oh, yeah, I guess I’d be willing to try out the bondage thing,” that’s pretty much a deal killer. If someone’s just not into it, no amount of explaining from me is going to make it work.

I sometimes wonder if guys are intimidated about writing me, since I run my website and teach a bondage class. But really I always try to be nice and polite. If we don’t click it’s not a big deal and I’m never cruel about saying no. Believe me, though, I really want to say yes. It just seems that finding the right “fit” is pretty tough. Not sure why but I sometimes wonder if it’s me or something I’m doing. Okay, that was a long few paragraphs.

— Go to Europe for a few weeks. The only countries I’ve been to outside the US are Canada and Mexico, so I’d love to spend some time in Europe, especially the UK, France, Germany, Spain, Italy (I’d love to see Rome and Venice) and, heck, just about anyplace else. To be honest, I’d love to trade out my bondage and/or photography services in exchange for staying for a few days with different hosts on the Continent, as there’s no way I could afford numerous nights in hotels. With obvious safety precautions, I’d gladly tie someone up, or be someone’s bondage pet (it’s not like you’d have to force me too hard), in exchange for a stay in a guestroom or on a sofa. No harm in puttin’ it out there ;-)

— Spend a few nights at the Bellagio in Las Vegas.

— Go to Tokyo and visit one of the clubs where they do Japanese Rope Bondage shows.

— Go to Antarctica while the ice is still there.

— Ask a bunch of women who are way out of my league for their phone numbers and get shot down. This would scare the crap out of me but I think it would be such a liberating thing to do.

— Start a second website, especially one involving beautiful genetic women in bondage with trannies. Maybe me tying them up and sometimes getting tied up with them. Now that would be fun.

— Visit New York City again, stay a few nights in Manhattan, dress and go to some of the clubs.

— Walk across the Mojave Desert, or Death Valley. I’ll probably never do this, as I could easily die, but it would be really amazing to pull off.

— Own one of those coin operated car wash places. What a great business that would be. Just sit back and watch the money come in.

— Sleep in a coffin. Probably with the lid open – I wouldn’t want to really suffocate and die in there.

— Speaking of coffins, I’d love to do a bondage scene for a photoshoot involving a coffin, or being boarded up in a basement, or more simply – being tied up and stuffed into a car trunk or packing trunk. Or maybe tied up and left in a cave with a couple torches burning for illumination. Or tied up and lowered down into a dry well. Or tied up and left in the hayloft of a barn. Or maybe stuck inside one of those storage containers on the bottoms of those big 18-wheeler trucks. Or tied up and placed in a large clear glass cylinder with a timer on the side indicating the amount of air left…The options are endless…

— Along similar lines, videotape for the website a long overnight kidnapping session, with the actual abduction, tying up, transport in a car trunk, transfer to a secluded warehouse, menacing at the hands of the abductors, and eventual abandonment on an old mattress with a chain and shackles secured to the ankles so that the poor girl (me!) can’t escape. Fun and potentially scary…

Well, that’s just a few things. It’s a fun exercise to think about things like this. When you get in the mindset the possibilities just keep coming. What do you dream of doing? I’m sure I’ll come up with more later for a future post.

I’ve been back in L.A. for a couple days now. Thanks again to everyone who had a good thought for my family and me. My mother surprised all the doctors and is on the road to recovery – she’s a pretty tough cookie. It was good to be in Atlanta with her during her ordeal, and it’s also nice to be back home.

One thing that struck me while I was visiting in the hospital – something everyone knows – is how good modern medicine has become at keeping people alive, and the dilemma it can make for the family. I’m grateful that my Mom recovered, but if she hadn’t, then at some point someone would have had to make the decision to pull the plug, and since my parents are divorced, unfortunately that someone would have been me and my brother.

It’s amazing that they can put a tube down someone’s throat and take over their breathing for them, but seeing someone on a ventilator is pretty gruesome. They keep you sedated while on it, so that you won’t “fight” against the tube, but they can’t keep a person sedated for long periods without medical consequences. So every few days they bring the sedation up and the person starts to become aware of their discomfort, sometimes feeling that they’re choking and not getting enough air, even though they are. It can be uncomfortable at best and hellish at worst.

Seeing this first hand I got to thinking what would I want if I ever got really sick. I think if I were still relatively young and caught something like, say, a really virulent flu bug, and had to be on a vent for a few days with a good chance that I’d recover and be back to normal – in that case, I’d probably want to go through with it. But if I were old and getting to the end, I’m not sure I’d want to experience the fear and discomfort of it. I’ll definitely have to look into making a living will or getting something in writing. Modern medicine is really amazing but it’s gotten so good that it can be a blessing and a curse.

Not that anyone’s asking my advice, but if you have family, I’d definitely talk to them about this stuff and about what they would want if they ended up on life support. Would they want to be on a ventilator or have their heart re-started if it were to stop? This incident with my mother happened so quickly that it took all of us by surprise and we were all sitting there wondering if she would really want to be going through this or not. Thankfully it worked out well for everyone involved, but it could have been much more wrenching than it was.

Thanks again for all the wonderful support from everyone while my family and I deal with my Mom’s health problems. On a much lighter note I was reading the Onion in the hospital cafeteria and got a big chuckle from this article on the Asian Markets. I love this stuff.

It’s been a strange day. I had to fly out to Atlanta again yesterday, as my Mom had a health emergency on Friday and ended up in the ICU. She’s been sick for several years and things finally took a much more serious turn. It’s hard to say how long I’ll be here, but it’s good to be with my Dad and take some of the pressure off him. We don’t know if my mother is going to recover or not but the medical care here at the hospital is amazing. The nurse was telling me that 15 years ago she saw people die in the hospital much more often than they do now. The big difference being that with the technology they have, they can keep someone alive so much longer and have much more control as to when they will die, if death is inevitable.

Of course, the Friday updates will continue as usual on the website. I love this GoToMyPC.com service. I could basically travel anywhere and keep working on my home computer over the internet.

In any case, if things don’t turn out well I might have to go back to L.A. for a while and then come back to Atlanta yet again to deal with things. If you’re a person who prays, have a good thought for my family.

I had a terrific photoshoot the other day with Delilah. She’s had a lot of changes in her life lately – all good things – so I haven’t been able to see her as often as we used to, but she was able to get away for a few hours and shoot some pictures of me for the site. I always love being tied up by Delilah. She’s really good at it and always does it extra severe.

Lately, I’ve been playing around with heavier gags, doing more full mouth stuffing. Years ago I never even stuffed my mouth when I was gagged, but I’ve gotten hooked on the heavy stuffing and gotta have it now. Of course, the risk of choking is very high with this kind of gag. So if you do heavy gagging, be sure to be extra careful and monitor your “victim” closely. I can say from experience that if you ever have someone tied and gagged and they start to choke on you, it’ll scare the wits out of you like you’ve never known! Not a fun occurence. I tend to panic and freak out easily myself, which is probably why heavy gags are such a thrill and turn on for me. There’s that fine line to walk – being turned on versus being truly scared.

This set of pictures was a big turn on for me, as I really had to watch my breathing and keep my wits about me. There was a very large thick scarf tightly wadded up and shoved deeply into my mouth and then a long thin scarf used as a cleave gag to hold the wadding in place. I actually had to work my way up to the wadded-up mouth-stuffing scarf – six months ago I probably couldn’t have taken it all in. The cleave gag that holds it in place was long enough to be wrapped several times around my head and Delilah pulled it extra tight. You can see how it contorts my face in a very uncomfortable way. I always love pictures like this where the girl appears to be in some very real distress and where it’s apparent that she really is gagged and unable to speak. Here are a couple sample shots and I’ll post the full set later tomorrow for the next Members’ Area update on the website.

I apologize to everyone whom I might owe an email to. I’ve been really bad at keeping up with my email and MySpace page lately, so I know I’ve been neglecting a lot of friends out there – probably worse so than normal, and I’m sure that over the years I’ve probably missed or forgotten to respond to hundreds of emails. I hope in the past I haven’t pissed off too many people but I’m sure there’s been at least a few. It’s nothing personal, of course.

I actually found much of January a bit challenging emotionally, as I had the usual post holiday blues pretty hard this year. So I’m looking forward to February being a lot better in the emotions department. That’s not an excuse or anything, just what’s been going on chez Sandra. I did do a lot of shooting, though, in January and have a shoot in San Diego tomorrow that I’m looking forward to. Hopefully I’ll have more news soon.

So like I was mentioning, I was still dressed and excited from last Saturday’s shoot, so I touched up the makeup and went out to the Saturday Threshold party, which I don’t get to very often, but it was great! I saw some old friends and there was a nice turnout. They also had a great spread of food, put out by one of the members there, who’s an excellent cook. It was perfect timing, as there was also a birthday that night.

I’m not usually a big fan of being flogged and whipped, but I do have a friend there whom I occasionally play with, who does it very well. When it’s done right it can be like a really heavy massage and send me out into the ether. I needed that!

All in all, two excellent parties in one weekend, and then my neighbor was putting on a little art opening at a nearby hair salon Sunday night. I met a couple of friendly lesbians who asked me about the trans scene and about running a kinky website, and again had a very nice time.

I had a really nice time at Club Fantasy last night. It was an intimate crowd, about 20 people, but with quite a variety attending, including a few of my “straight” non-trans friends from Threshold. All in all a nice get together with quite a bit of play going on.

I’m doing a photoshoot this afternoon, so I had to drag my ass out of bed early to get ready for it but I’ve got a few new outfits that I’m looking forward to trying out. I also had my hair blow dried straight by my friend Angie, who’s been coloring and doing my hair for several years now. I so wish I could keep it straight. She always makes it look awesome for a day or two afterwards. Even when I’m not dressed it’ll look vaguely David Bowie-ish from his Ziggy Stardust days, and I can stare at myself in the mirror like a fool for minutes at a time. Of course, eventually I have to wash it, or I sweat and it gets wet and humid, and the natural curliness inevitably comes back, and the whole illusion is spoiled. Like they say, when you’re curly you wish you were straight, and when you’re straight you wish you were curly.

If I’m not totally beat and my hair’s still holding up from the shoot I might venture back out to Threshold tonight to meet a few friends. We shall see. Busy weekend.

The next Club Fantasy party is coming up fast. Hope to see you there! If you need any additional information, feel free to email me directly (email link on my website, down on the left).

If you’re new to the party be sure to read the directions on the first link above. Hartland dead ends in the parking lot. The building is on the right (and says “Hollywoodland” on the front), but the entrance is around back. Look for the mini-drawbridge…See you Friday!

I’ve had some emails the last few weeks from a few crossdressers in various parts of the US and the UK, in varying degrees in the closet, who’ve asked for advice about getting out and meeting people (so another Ann Landers warning for this post) ;-) One struck me in particular, a very nice person who said some really nice things about me being confident and strong and extra special. It’s great for my ego to hear things like that, but my initial response is that I really don’t possess those traits in any greater degree than the average person. Hell, I’m not a particularly brave or confident person. I remember once my Mom even commented that I was always a very fearful child growing up, and as an adult I’m still often fearful and anxious.

One thing I do that I’ve mentioned before – and I don’t always do it perfectly – is to accept that I’m going to be scared whenever I push my comfort zone and then do it anyway. Like I’ve said before, I’m always nervous when I start out doing the Rope Bondage Workshop. And I’m usually nervous talking to new people and always scared when I try something new and unfamiliar in any area of my life. And I usually hate going to clubs and trying to make chit chat – but I do it anyway because it needs to be done and usually pays off in some fashion. So being confident and strong – most of us never really have those traits perfected. They come and go, and certainly in my case I usually have to fake it and just move through the fear and doubt. Sometimes it still stops me but that’s just part of it too.

As for meeting others and getting out more, my advice is always to check out the clubs or transgender groups or events in the nearest large city. Even if you have to drive and get a motel room to go somewhere, it’s usually worth it. And at most events and clubs you can always just go in guy mode if that’s easier. The key though is just going, and in fact it’s worth it even if it isn’t fun and doesn’t turn out well, because then you’ve pushed your comfort zone a little and the next time it will be a tiny bit easier. The thing to avoid, though, is going out, having a bad time, and then saying, “Well, that sucked, so I’m not ever going to try again.” I’ve been to lots of parties and clubs where I had a really lousy time and could have stayed home and done laundry and would have had more fun. But there’s no regretting any of it. Just making the effort is reward enough. And if you don’t take the risk you lose the potential payoff that might occur. So go out and get out of the closet to whatever degree you can handle. It’s really stifling in there.

It’s feeling like the start of the rainy season here in L.A., just pouring down hard all day long and apparently continuing for the next few days. This is my least favorite time of the year here. It’s nice being warm and in bed at night with the rain on the rooftop but during the day I so often get to feeling lonely and depressed with the damp weather. Time for some comfort food.

Hope everyone has a fun time tonight and a great new year. I’m heading back early tomorrow to L.A. It’s been a good visit, and it’ll be good to be back home. I love my family but they can drive me crazy in wondrous and amazing ways like no one else! ;-)

So yesterday I made a really bad call going to the airport. I was thinking that, oh sure, the day before and after Christmas are really bad travel days, but surely there would be room in the long term parking lots on Christmas day itself – Ah yes, silly me. All the lots were completely full. So I drove back home with a sick feeling in my stomach, certain that I was screwed and would be missing my flight and coming in on a late one. I called a cab, paid the expensive fare, and when I got to the terminal, the line was out on the sidewalk. There was no way in hell I’d make it! But by some miracle, I actually got checked in and made it to the gate with five minutes to spare for boarding. I guess leaving absurdly early really pays off.

So today we’re doing our big meal with the family the day after Christmas. I’ll be enjoying a nice haze of over-eating tonight…