I’m heading out early tomorrow to Atlanta to see my parents so there may not be too much blogging this next week. Updates will of course continue as normal though, and here’s a little peek at next Friday’s – a few non-bondage shots of Vivian Chen doing what she does so well in front of the camera. That girl loves to strike a pose! Later in the set she’ll get tied and nicely tape gagged and end up stuffed in a closet – just another night out clubbing that ends up not as she planned.

Hope everyone has a great time over the holidays and all the best to everyone in 2008! I’m expecting great things!

We had a really fun Rope Bondage Workshop this afternoon at Threshold. It started out with a very small group but we had a few late-comers arrive and it ended up being a lot of fun and I think there was a really nice vibe in the room. I was covering chest harnesses and felt fully in the zone (love when that happens).

I was reading an article earlier about a public speaker who said that after thirty years she still feels nervous before doing any sort of presentation, and that she’s found that trying to make the nerves go away only makes it worse. She accepts it and realizes that she’s nervous simply because she wants to do a good job. It’s just par for the course to be nervous. That was really helpful because, as usual, I was a little nervous anticipating the workshop. Just saying to myself, “Okay, I’m nervous and I’m going to continuing on with what needs to be done,” really helped a lot. We face our fears and they become smaller.

Next month (January 27th, 4 to 6 PM) I’ll be presenting on Shibari Inspired Bondage, which basically means I can present just about anything, since just making a larks head knot could be called “Shibari Inspired.” ;-) Hmm, what to do?

I’ve been hearing from quite a few guys lately who are either married and closeted crossdressers whose wives don’t know, or who are in marriages where the wife doesn’t approve of the crossdressing and doesn’t want to hear about it, or who have wives who only partly tolerate it. And I find it kind of sad because oftentimes I’ll read someone describing their situation and it’s apparent that it’s going to be a continuing problem. I always come back to wondering how it’s possible to make a marriage work if the wife finds her husband’s sexuality or gender expression unacceptable. It just seems like a recipe for failure. And that doesn’t mean that either the wife or the husband is wrong, maybe just incompatible.

Of course, if the husband keeps it secret from his wife for the rest of their life together, I suppose that could work, and it has worked, I’m sure, for thousands and thousands of couples over the years. But what a heavy price to pay for the poor guy, basically shutting himself down and keeping this part of himself hidden from his wife and from everyone else for his entire life. Fucking depressing!

I’m sounding like Ann Landers again here, but it just seems like the only way to make it work in a situation where the wife knows but disapproves is to allow the husband to enjoy dressing on his own from time to time, or maybe with other crossdressing friends, and to otherwise turn a blind eye to it. And that might be an acceptable solution to save the relationship. In any case, the husband is probably going to dress from time to time anyway whether the wife approves of it or not. So it’s probably better if there’s some degree of aggreement about how to handle it, even if it’s just limited agreement like, “she knows but doesn’t know.” We all know how strong these urges are and how they never frickin’ go away.

In my own case, being out and fairly visible on the internet there’s no way that a woman would ever agree to marry me if she had a problem with crossdressing, so in some ways it’s probably not a problem I’ll have to deal with, just by default. What maybe makes it a little more complicated is that unlike a lot of crossdressers who only like other women or other cds, I like to play around with guys too, especially when it comes to bondage games. So that’s inevitably going to shrink the potential pool of women who aren’t going to run shrieking from the room when they hear my full story. Sometimes I would like to have a partner (and I’ve only ever really fallen in love with “real” women), but I’m also such a loner and control freak that I’m ambivalent about ever making that kind of commitment with another person. It’s not out of the question but would have to be a very special situation.

It’s funny, there’s a “real” woman I’ve known for some time whom I’ve got a bit of a crush on, and although she likes me and knows all about my lifestyle, and even has some similar kinks of her own in the bdsm realm, it’s pretty apparent that nothing is ever really going to happen between us. I have no big insight here, it’s just a funny situation, how when you desire someone and they don’t reciprocate, it just makes them that much more desirable, till finally the “no go” status really sinks in and it’s time to move on to the next possibility. I don’t even take it personally. It’s just one of those things that’s not going to happen.

For anyone who might have missed the sad news of Reb Stout’s (aka Rebecca H. Heels) recent death, I just wanted to post a late notice here. There were a few posts earlier in my Yahoo Group but I’ve since heard from a few people during the last month who hadn’t heard the news. He had been fighting lung cancer and diabetes for some time and finally passed away last month, on November 7th.

He was an inspiration to thousands of us, living his life openly and honestly and just out there going for it. When I first met him, he had retired from his Rebecca H. Heels persona, but he was a very talented photographer and a total wild man. I remember when I first met him I thought, “This guy is crazy!” but he quickly grew on me and I was very fond of him. And shooting pictures with him was always a blast! We’ll miss you, Reb!

My friend lee put up a page on her tribe.net site, quoting a few of my earlier posts.

And here’s Reb’s main website, devoted to Rebecca H. Heels and all her kinky friends. A true free spirit and a one of a kind.

Another cool thing at the seminar this weekend was that on Friday there were about 500 people just down the hall who were becoming U.S. citizens that day. It was great to see all the different people from all over the world with their friends and families. It was very inspiring. And then on Sunday there was also a convention with members of the Sikh religion. So when we broke for lunch there were like 300 guys with turbans out in the hall, also with their wives and children. The Sikhs are really cool and it was an awesome sight!

So this weekend I was at another personal growth / prosperity seminar. Yeah, I’m a total junkie when it comes to these things, and this one was really awesome – and practically free. I went to the three day long Millionaire Mind Intensive, based on the book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker. You can get two free tickets to the weekend seminar just by buying the book.

I was a little skeptical, as usual, going in but really warmed up to it as it went along. It was at the L.A. Convention Center downtown, and it’s a very high energy environment and a lot of fun, and there were a lot of people there – about 700. Sunday was so emotionally intense that I had a few moments where it felt like I was in a really rockin’ church or something. I love that kind of intense inspirational stuff and, to be honest, if I was a Jesus person I probably would be in church every Sunday. In any case, at the seminar it’s true that there are quite a few sales pushes for their more advanced courses, but this one is very solid and complete just on its own. One of the main things they present is a simple money management technique for dividing your money up into six different accounts, with the goal of holding onto more of it and using the saved funds for eventual passive business income investments. It makes a lot of sense and if this was all they presented I still would have felt more than happy with it.

But they also do some powerful and emotionally moving exercises to look at negative beliefs that you may have about money, beliefs that may hold you back from success. I ended up doing one of the exercises with an older woman there who turned out to be the perfect person to be paired up with. We both had very similar money issues and I had one of those “a-ha” moments that brought me close to tears.

Breaking Arrows – On Sunday there was also this absolutely amazing exercise designed to face down your fears. I’d heard of this technique before of breaking an arrow with your neck. I was really scared when we did it but when it happened it was frickin’ awesome. The arrow snapped right in two and I had this rush of relief and excitement and love wash over me. Of course, don’t try to do anything like this without taking the course and being instructed by people who know what their doing. People do get hurt doing this exercise, especially if they’re not instructed in the proper technique.

Of course, the arrow is a metaphor for whatever’s holding you back in your life, and in fact you’re directed to write down on the arrow something where you’re stuck. The idea is that when you walk towards your fears they disappear. I wrote down “social anxiety,” because even though I’m very effective in my life and do well with other people, still that damn anxiety rears its ugly head more often than I’d like to admit. It’s part of the reason I was taking prozac all those years. So now that I broke the arrow, I’ll never be anxious another day in my life ;-) Okay, kidding aside, the experience truly was one of the most moving things I’ve done in years. In my small group there was one girl who was really scared and crying and when she finally got up the courage and did it, it was just a stunning and beautiful moment.

Mein Hair – Of course, I attended the seminar just in plain ol’ “Robert” mode, but my hair did look pretty awesome and got some comments. I had just seen my hairdresser recently before I went and she usually blows out my shoulder length blond hair with bangs so that it’s really femmed out and androgynous. With my pierced ears I definitely got some glances. You know me – I love the attention and looked pretty darn good even as a guy, if I do say so.

I believe they do this seminar two times a year in L.A., and they do it in many other cities too. It’s another one that I’d highly recommend. The book is excellent too, so if you’re at all curious just pick up a copy at Amazon and register for the next seminar closest to you. I’ll post the date for L.A. the next time they’re doing it here. I might even do it again myself. I’m still on a high from the thing. Absolutely Loved It.

I was driving home the other night and heard this awesome cover on the radio of Cat Power doing Bob Dylan’s “Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again.” You can hear it on the MySpace Music page for the new Dylan movie, “I’m Not There.” I’ve been so busy lately, but I’m dying to see it.

I’m always looking for talented bondage photographers to work with for my website, and I recently added a new paragraph on my model call page including photographers. I have several friends who are very good at shooting and tying, but many of them are very busy and the need to keep shooting new material never ends, so I always have my eyes and ears open for new photographers to add to the pool of talent. Here in L.A. there are tons of really good shooters, but it’s the bondage rigging that’s the hard thing to find. And there are also tons of “guys with a camera” out there, but if they’re not into bondage or don’t know how to tie it’s tough to make it work. Of course, there are exceptions to that rule, as one of the photographers I work with isn’t even really into bondage but is a real fast learner and amazingly has shot some of the hottest pics on the site (but who that is will remain a secret). ;-)

So if you’re one of those rare skilled bondage riggers / photographers and you want to work with trannies, send me an email from my website (link on the bottom left) and let me know your rates and experience. I can’t guarantee anything, but I’m always looking.

We had a good turnout last night at Club Fantasy, probably around 25 people, which for a Friday night is very good for us. And we also had a cool special guest stop by, Jay Wiseman, the author of many excellent kinky books including SM 101 and the Erotic Bondage Handbook. He’s a great guy and gives lots of outstanding talks and presentations all over the world. He actually has a new bondage presentation he’s giving Monday night at Threshold in N. Hollywood. I can’t attend unfortunately but I put in an order for his new DVD covering the same material. If you can make it he’s always very entertaining and informative.

So I was on MySpace earlier and someone posted a link to this quiz asking, Will you make it to heaven? It actually blows my mind that so many people still believe in a vengeful god who will consign us to heaven or hell, but that’s for another blog post. “What the hell,” (pun intended), I said, and I took the quiz. Amazingly, at the very end in order to get the results, I had to agree to receive spam from one of several mortgage processors. I couldn’t believe it! We’re talking about my eternal soul here, and this thing is sponsored by a loan officer? I guess the verdict is still out…

I’ve been officially off prozac now for about a month and a half. I don’t really notice any difference, which is good, except that some of the minor side effects, such as lowered libido, are definitely gone – a nice side effect to be rid of ;-) I do sometimes wonder, though, when I have the inevitable bad days if the lows aren’t sometimes a little lower. It’s really hard to say, though, and might just be my self-absorbed tendency to over-examine things. And since it’s only been such a short time that I’ve been drug free it’s probably impossible to really tell one way of the other.

I do have to really stay on top of exercising though. There have been several medical studies done that have shown that regular exercise can give the same benefits – sometimes even better benefits – than using anti-depressants. I tend to walk and hike so much anyway that my right knee sometimes gets a little sore. So I have to do the pilates mat exercises on days when it’s acting up. I just don’t want to backslide, and I really don’t want this blog to turn into a daily examination of The Moods of Sandra. That would be really boring.

So Mistress Cyan’s Thanksgiving Slave Auction turned out to be a lot of fun. I was feeling hesitant about really going up on the auction block, but when the moment came I finally took the plunge and went up as a “Bondage Switch.” I’m really basically a bottom but somehow presenting myself as a switch felt safer. There was a minor bidding war between a couple people in the crowd, which was great for my ego, and finally it went to a really nice lesbian couple whom I’d only just chatted with for a couple moments before going up on stage. They turned out to be really cool and really nice people and I had a great time. I even got to be wrapped up in plastic later in the evening, which I just LOVE!

I believe there’s another auction coming up on December 8th. I’m not sure if I can make that one but if you plan to go they fill up fast, so send in your RSVPs. (Check the following post for the link to the event info.)

I just wanted to post a quick notice that Mistress Cyan’s Thanksgiving Slave Auction to collect food for the needy is going on this Saturday at Dragonsgate Studios in Orange County, CA. If you’re interested in attending you need to RSVP like yesterday. It’s filling up fast. I’m planning to offer my services and go up on the auction block as a switch. Obviously I’m really a bottom but I can tie some mean knots for anyone who’d like to end up bound and gagged.

Here’s a link in the SoCal BDSM Events Group with more information on the party. (You may have to log in or join the Group if you’re not a member already.) Hope to see you there.

Anyone who’s read this blog much knows that I’m a big fan of self help books and programs. So this last weekend I did the Advanced Course at Landmark Education (which presents the Landmark Forum, which I did in June.) I could report all kinds of things, but the one area that really struck me was seeing how pervasive my tendency to hide is. And it’s not like I didn’t know this about myself beforehand, but it just really hit home in a much bigger way than it has in the past with other programs and therapists that I’ve seen over the years.

I’ve talked before about this incident from when I was a child, when some boys at a church were goofing around and played a game of crossdressing in order to amuse some of the adults that were nearby in the next room. I really wanted to play along with them but was terrified that people would know it was more than just fooling around for me, that I really really wanted to dress up like, and even be, a girl. So I felt I couldn’t take the risk and I stayed quiet while the other boys were clowning around. Looking back I’m amazed that they even had the balls to do such a thing anyway, but who knows? Maybe they were really into dressing up too, just with more bravery about it? Or maybe not? I’ll never know.

But it was a really traumatic incident for me and I remember thinking that I’ve got to hide this part of myself or I’ll be judged and shamed. This one incident had a huge impact on my life and led me to hide not just my crossdressing desires but just about everything else that I felt might get me into trouble. And over the years those things that I had to hide just grew and grew until finally hiding myself was just the default way of operating in the world, even hiding stuff that didn’t have anything to do with my sexuality. I just became a “hider.” If there was any doubt, the best response was to hide.

It makes me sad now at how persistent that tendency is and how it’s impacted my life and affected the people in my life whom I love. And although I’ve always known I had this tendency I really saw it much clearer this weekend and feel a new commitment to dealing with it and putting it behind me. No, it’s not going to go away, but just knowing the persistent negative ways in which we deal with the world is huge. It gives us the chance to actually do something about it instead of operating automatically. So that’s me tonight. No more hiding.

Landmark – There’s a part of me that’s reluctant to recommend Landmark, fearing that people will think that I’m just a big sucker, as the courses aren’t cheap – The Forum costs about $495, depending on where you live. In any case, here’s a guy I like on “43 things” who has a nice description of the Forum. He’s a bit cynical about it but actually gives a good description of a lot of the concepts and suggests that even with his cynicism that it was a good and worthwhile experience.

These stories have been around for a while now but I thought I’d post the links just in case anyone’s missed them. They’re both good lessons that bondage can be dangerous, even fatal, if done wrong. The especially disturbing thing about Adrian Exley’s death is that it wasn’t even self bondage, which usually is the case in these kinds of things. There were apparently signs of distress and difficulty breathing even before the final death, but the guy he was with, Gary LeBlanc, says that after “cooling him down,” they continued with the three-day-long scene. Eventually Exley was left alone in a closet, where he was found suffocated and turning blue by a third man who showed up. LeBlanc and his friend tried to dispose of the body in Rhode Island and LeBlanc finally wrote up a five page suicide note detailing what happened and then shot himself. And the guy who Exley was playing with wasn’t some crazed drifter or something. He was a Gulf Oil sales executive. What a horrifying scenario.

The other story from several months ago is in fact a self bondage scene gone wrong, with an Alabama minister who suffocated while doing self bondage while wearing two full wetsuits and with a large black dildo in his ass. When I first read this my cynical side just thought, hey, he was probably just another hypocritical preacher heaping sexual guilt on his congregation, but man, no one deserves to die in such an awful fashion. You can only imagine the pain, suffering, and bewilderment that his family and church must be going through. And the pain he himself must have dealt with all his life regarding his own sexuality. A very sad situation.

Occasionally guys will write me and ask if they should tell their wives about their crossdressing. I always wince when I get these emails – not that I should even be giving advice – see Dan Savage in an earlier post. ;-) But what always makes me hesitate is that it’s pretty obvious that the wife is going to be really pissed off and hurt when she finds out – and rightly so. Even if she takes the news fairly well, which is doubtful, she’s going to feel betrayed and lied to just because such a big secret was withheld in the first place. (That’s assuming, of course, that the crossdressing was going on before marriage, which is usually the case, and that it was consciously kept secret going in.)

So to give advice anyway: Tell her before you get married. It just makes things a lot easier. And to the above guy I would have to say that the right thing to do is probably to tell her and deal with the mess that’s bound to occur. Even if it leads to divorce that’s probably better than carrying around that fear and dread of having a Big Secret.

I remember fifteen years ago when I was in the closet and I met an older guy who was very much out of the closet about his lifestyle. People at work knew and even though he didn’t dress all the time he had long hair and earrings in both ears. And I remember being blown away by his boldness and thinking, “I could never do that!” So what happens in fifteen years? I have long hair and earrings in both ears and run a tranny bondage website. Life’s funny.

I know that when I started doing the website probably part of my unconscious reason for it was just to force myself to be more out of the closet about my life. If I were to get involved with a “real” woman, there’s no way I could keep my lifestyle a secret. Hell, she would probably know all about it before the first date anyway, since when meeting new people we always ask, “So what do you do?”

And since I have a strong desire not to keep secrets, running a website that has a little bit of visibility is a good way to avoid keeping them. I know when I was younger I used to believe that no “real” woman would ever want to be with me because I’m a transvestite. And then the years passed and life happened and it became pretty obvious that this just wasn’t true. I’ve made a mess of things with girlfriends in the past about other things, but I’ve learned too that there certainly are some women out there who don’t have too much of a problem being with a tranny, and a very small number out there who actually kind of dig it. Sure, the vast majority are gonna go running and screaming from the room but that’s perfectly okay. You only need that one yes that you really click with.

So in this long rambling post I guess I’m saying that it’s probably better to be out of the closet about being a crossdresser or TG than not. And I don’t want to sound like I’m somehow better than someone who’s not out, since it’s all a matter of personal choice and no one is right or wrong in the matter. And some might also object and say, but Sandra (or Robert, as the case may be), you don’t have a regular job and a boss who could fire you or a wife who could divorce your ass. Which is true, and yes, everyone has to take their comfort level and circumstances into consideration. But I also think it’s probably better to just get out there and deal with the ugly consequences. Why would I want to keep a job where I’m not okay as I am, or stay married to someone who finds my sexuality unacceptable? What a thoroughly depressing and unempowering situation. Being truthful can definitely make things a lot tougher, though usually that’s in the short term. Eventually things work out and something new comes from the initial mess. If that’s a divorce or losing a job or friends or family members being pissed off and not speaking to you, well, that’s the price to be oneself.

And speaking again of Dan Savage, he’s talked before of this situation where a gay person comes out and they have family members who are upset and they become estranged. But then over time the family member comes to terms with the news and they accept it and become close again. Sometimes it takes years, but usually things work out in some fashion. Definitely in my own case with my Dad, my being open about my lifestyle has brought us much closer together. And when I opened up to him I was going out on a limb. My gut instinct would have said, “Are you fucking crazy? He doesn’t need to know!” But it was worth it and took more of that weight off my shoulders.

And then there are also the inevitable political gains from being out of the closet. Just like with gays and lesbians, someday there’ll be so many crossdressers and TGs out and visible that the “normal” world won’t be able to hate us as easily. I can’t imagine that crossdressing will ever be free of controversy – how could it be and would we really want it to be? But it’s inevitable that with the passage of time there will be more and more people who are visible and it’ll make a difference in how we’re perceived. If you know someone personally who’s “different” it makes that difference much less frightening and mysterious. And a lot harder to hate.