Anyone who’s read this blog much knows that I’m a big fan of self help books and programs. So this last weekend I did the Advanced Course at Landmark Education (which presents the Landmark Forum, which I did in June.) I could report all kinds of things, but the one area that really struck me was seeing how pervasive my tendency to hide is. And it’s not like I didn’t know this about myself beforehand, but it just really hit home in a much bigger way than it has in the past with other programs and therapists that I’ve seen over the years.

I’ve talked before about this incident from when I was a child, when some boys at a church were goofing around and played a game of crossdressing in order to amuse some of the adults that were nearby in the next room. I really wanted to play along with them but was terrified that people would know it was more than just fooling around for me, that I really really wanted to dress up like, and even be, a girl. So I felt I couldn’t take the risk and I stayed quiet while the other boys were clowning around. Looking back I’m amazed that they even had the balls to do such a thing anyway, but who knows? Maybe they were really into dressing up too, just with more bravery about it? Or maybe not? I’ll never know.

But it was a really traumatic incident for me and I remember thinking that I’ve got to hide this part of myself or I’ll be judged and shamed. This one incident had a huge impact on my life and led me to hide not just my crossdressing desires but just about everything else that I felt might get me into trouble. And over the years those things that I had to hide just grew and grew until finally hiding myself was just the default way of operating in the world, even hiding stuff that didn’t have anything to do with my sexuality. I just became a “hider.” If there was any doubt, the best response was to hide.

It makes me sad now at how persistent that tendency is and how it’s impacted my life and affected the people in my life whom I love. And although I’ve always known I had this tendency I really saw it much clearer this weekend and feel a new commitment to dealing with it and putting it behind me. No, it’s not going to go away, but just knowing the persistent negative ways in which we deal with the world is huge. It gives us the chance to actually do something about it instead of operating automatically. So that’s me tonight. No more hiding.

Landmark – There’s a part of me that’s reluctant to recommend Landmark, fearing that people will think that I’m just a big sucker, as the courses aren’t cheap – The Forum costs about $495, depending on where you live. In any case, here’s a guy I like on “43 things” who has a nice description of the Forum. He’s a bit cynical about it but actually gives a good description of a lot of the concepts and suggests that even with his cynicism that it was a good and worthwhile experience.

These stories have been around for a while now but I thought I’d post the links just in case anyone’s missed them. They’re both good lessons that bondage can be dangerous, even fatal, if done wrong. The especially disturbing thing about Adrian Exley’s death is that it wasn’t even self bondage, which usually is the case in these kinds of things. There were apparently signs of distress and difficulty breathing even before the final death, but the guy he was with, Gary LeBlanc, says that after “cooling him down,” they continued with the three-day-long scene. Eventually Exley was left alone in a closet, where he was found suffocated and turning blue by a third man who showed up. LeBlanc and his friend tried to dispose of the body in Rhode Island and LeBlanc finally wrote up a five page suicide note detailing what happened and then shot himself. And the guy who Exley was playing with wasn’t some crazed drifter or something. He was a Gulf Oil sales executive. What a horrifying scenario.

The other story from several months ago is in fact a self bondage scene gone wrong, with an Alabama minister who suffocated while doing self bondage while wearing two full wetsuits and with a large black dildo in his ass. When I first read this my cynical side just thought, hey, he was probably just another hypocritical preacher heaping sexual guilt on his congregation, but man, no one deserves to die in such an awful fashion. You can only imagine the pain, suffering, and bewilderment that his family and church must be going through. And the pain he himself must have dealt with all his life regarding his own sexuality. A very sad situation.

Occasionally guys will write me and ask if they should tell their wives about their crossdressing. I always wince when I get these emails – not that I should even be giving advice – see Dan Savage in an earlier post. ;-) But what always makes me hesitate is that it’s pretty obvious that the wife is going to be really pissed off and hurt when she finds out – and rightly so. Even if she takes the news fairly well, which is doubtful, she’s going to feel betrayed and lied to just because such a big secret was withheld in the first place. (That’s assuming, of course, that the crossdressing was going on before marriage, which is usually the case, and that it was consciously kept secret going in.)

So to give advice anyway: Tell her before you get married. It just makes things a lot easier. And to the above guy I would have to say that the right thing to do is probably to tell her and deal with the mess that’s bound to occur. Even if it leads to divorce that’s probably better than carrying around that fear and dread of having a Big Secret.

I remember fifteen years ago when I was in the closet and I met an older guy who was very much out of the closet about his lifestyle. People at work knew and even though he didn’t dress all the time he had long hair and earrings in both ears. And I remember being blown away by his boldness and thinking, “I could never do that!” So what happens in fifteen years? I have long hair and earrings in both ears and run a tranny bondage website. Life’s funny.

I know that when I started doing the website probably part of my unconscious reason for it was just to force myself to be more out of the closet about my life. If I were to get involved with a “real” woman, there’s no way I could keep my lifestyle a secret. Hell, she would probably know all about it before the first date anyway, since when meeting new people we always ask, “So what do you do?”

And since I have a strong desire not to keep secrets, running a website that has a little bit of visibility is a good way to avoid keeping them. I know when I was younger I used to believe that no “real” woman would ever want to be with me because I’m a transvestite. And then the years passed and life happened and it became pretty obvious that this just wasn’t true. I’ve made a mess of things with girlfriends in the past about other things, but I’ve learned too that there certainly are some women out there who don’t have too much of a problem being with a tranny, and a very small number out there who actually kind of dig it. Sure, the vast majority are gonna go running and screaming from the room but that’s perfectly okay. You only need that one yes that you really click with.

So in this long rambling post I guess I’m saying that it’s probably better to be out of the closet about being a crossdresser or TG than not. And I don’t want to sound like I’m somehow better than someone who’s not out, since it’s all a matter of personal choice and no one is right or wrong in the matter. And some might also object and say, but Sandra (or Robert, as the case may be), you don’t have a regular job and a boss who could fire you or a wife who could divorce your ass. Which is true, and yes, everyone has to take their comfort level and circumstances into consideration. But I also think it’s probably better to just get out there and deal with the ugly consequences. Why would I want to keep a job where I’m not okay as I am, or stay married to someone who finds my sexuality unacceptable? What a thoroughly depressing and unempowering situation. Being truthful can definitely make things a lot tougher, though usually that’s in the short term. Eventually things work out and something new comes from the initial mess. If that’s a divorce or losing a job or friends or family members being pissed off and not speaking to you, well, that’s the price to be oneself.

And speaking again of Dan Savage, he’s talked before of this situation where a gay person comes out and they have family members who are upset and they become estranged. But then over time the family member comes to terms with the news and they accept it and become close again. Sometimes it takes years, but usually things work out in some fashion. Definitely in my own case with my Dad, my being open about my lifestyle has brought us much closer together. And when I opened up to him I was going out on a limb. My gut instinct would have said, “Are you fucking crazy? He doesn’t need to know!” But it was worth it and took more of that weight off my shoulders.

And then there are also the inevitable political gains from being out of the closet. Just like with gays and lesbians, someday there’ll be so many crossdressers and TGs out and visible that the “normal” world won’t be able to hate us as easily. I can’t imagine that crossdressing will ever be free of controversy – how could it be and would we really want it to be? But it’s inevitable that with the passage of time there will be more and more people who are visible and it’ll make a difference in how we’re perceived. If you know someone personally who’s “different” it makes that difference much less frightening and mysterious. And a lot harder to hate.

I just had a really enjoyable shoot this afternoon with my friend Al from Popshot Pictures. If you’re a tranny (or anyone for that matter) and you need a photographer in the S. California area, Al’s your man! I always enjoy shooting with him. Here are a few shots with this sexy pvc dress that my friend Barbara gave me at the Club Fantasy party. She was amazingly generous, cleaning out her closet and bringing all kinds of great fetish wear and heels to share with everyone. I knew this one would be good for a photo shoot. It’s funny, sometimes when I’m shooting bondage pictures we’re so focused on the tying and posing and photography that it’s almost like real work. But on this set I totally zoned out and went off into the Bondage Zone. I wish I could have had Al just leave me there for a few hours and come back later to check on me, perhaps with his tranny-tormenting friend in tow – Oops, my fantasies are kicking in ;-) Anyway, I’ll probably post the full set of pictures in about two weeks on the Trannies site.

Vegas: By the way, it’s more end of the year travel here. I’m meeting my best friend K. from Colorado tomorrow for a couple days at a friend’s timeshare in Las Vegas. So my email will be even more spotty than normal (and it can be pretty spotty at best). I’m not much of a gambler, might just blow twenty dollars at the nickel slots or something like that. But I always love going to Vegas for just a day or two. Any longer and the city’s charms start to quickly wear thin. Alas, there’ll be no bondage or crossdressing but it’ll still be fun.

Lately while editing pictures for the website I’ve been listening to the podcast from Dan Savage, who does the hilarious “Savage Love” sex advice column. There are links to his podcast here, or you can subscribe from Itunes, and it’s free! I love how he talks so freely about this stuff and throws out all these words with not a hint of hesitation – fuck, shit, piss, come, and on and on. I’ve already learned all kinds of crazy things, like having sex with dolphins.

I took a long weekend off and went to Atlanta to visit with my parents for a few days. They’re divorced but it was a friendly one and they both live here, so it’s convenient for visiting. And like I’ve mentioned before they’re getting old so I try to see them a few times a year. I flew on AirTran again on a 737 and had the best seat in the plane – 31F, which is way down on the last row, but because of the configuration of the plane there’s lots of extra room and room next to the seat for a good size carry on bag. It was the easiest flight I’ve been on in a long time and I slept like a baby. There was a little turbulance coming in and I always imagine the side of the plane ripping open and the seats being sucked out for a terrifying free fall to death. But I still enjoy air travel and it’s way safer than driving on the freeway any day of the week in Los Angeles.

Well, not much blogging this last week, but hey, some new pictures! A cute TG girl named Rachel whom I met at FetishCon last August just sent me a few new pictures she had taken, where I’m getting worked over by the beautiful and sexy Rubberdoll at her “Wheel of Pain.” I’m smitten!

Just a quick note that the next Club Fantasy TG Bondage Party / Social is this Friday, September 21st in North Hollywood, CA.

There’s also a new schedule for the monthly Rope Bondage Workshop online at the Threshold website. This Sunday from 4 to 6 PM we’ll do some decorative bondage. Also in N. Hollywood, CA.

Come check out the next Syren! party Saturday night in West Hollywood, with fabulous TV Fetish Model Nicci Tristan! It should be a fun one. I’ll be there for sure, bringing some rope. Hope to see you there!

Yesterday I went to the bimonthly “Insight” presentation at the Lair de Sade in North Hollywood and saw a great presentation by Patrick on “The Art And Functionality Of The Western Diamond Hitch Knot,” which sounds way more esoteric than it really is. Patrick gave an excellent demo, showing some useful and simple ways to do that rope harness with the diamond-shaped pattern that you so often see. I don’t get over to the Lair de Sade too often but it’s a really nice dungeon and everyone was really nice. The Insight afternoons are held twice a month and are open to non-members with an email invite. They’re only ten dollars and they give excellent presentations and also have a few vendors of kinky things on hand. It’s a great way to get out and meet people and learn new things. I also ran into John from Taboo Leather, whom I always enjoy chatting with. A thoroughly pleasant and fun afternoon.

So along the same lines as the last post, I do like to try to be open about my life and not hide things if possible – not always an easy chore when you’re a bondage-loving transvestite with a fetish website. I’ve been really lucky this summer in that I’ve been able to share a lot more of what I’m really up to in life with my parents, especially with my mother, and it’s taken a big load off my shoulders.

My mother and I always had a decent relationship but there was some distance because, although she knew I was a crossdresser and knew I ran some sort of website that had something to do with crossdressing, she didn’t know the full story and I always felt like I was shading the truth and hiding things from her whenever we talked on the phone. Not that I have any desire to tell her the juicy details of what I do, but I still felt a weight from always being overly cautious with her. I find it’s just a pain in the ass to live that way. In many ways she was the person I feared the most in the world, not a great way to have a decent relationship with one’s mother. And both of my parents are getting older and both have health problems so they’re not going to be here forever.

So anyway, I was able to have a good talk with her a while ago and, damn, she knows the full story now. I even told her about the rope bondage class that I teach. It wasn’t as dramatic as it sounds since, yeah, she already knew about 65% of the story, but I’m straight with her now and that’s a nice feeling. Again, I’m not going to tell her what I do when I go out to that party in the Valley or meet up with so and so, but it’s good and very freeing just to be known for who you really are, especially if who you are is a little on the weird side.

My Dad on the other hand, has always been such a free spirit and so open minded that I literally could talk to him about ANYTHING, which is also pretty weird. He’s known about my “lifestyle” and work for quite a while and has always been incredibly supportive. I think he imagines that my life is actually way wilder and crazier than it really is, which is kind of funny. Many Saturday nights I’m just at home like everyone else.

Anyway, I’m really lucky to have such great parents. I know that for many other tvs and tgs out there that being this open about one’s secrets isn’t even in the realm of possibility. Although I have to admit, at one time I thought the same thing about my own mother, that it would kill her if she knew about my life. So far her heart’s still ticking away.

I’ve talked here before about how I’ve been taking prozac and other anti-depressants for years and how it’s really helped me with my tendency towards depression. Sometimes when someone would ask me why I was depressed it just seemed like the answer was, “Because that’s what I do.” When I’m upset or otherwise unhappy I tend to get depressed. That’s where the pressure and negativity show up.

I started taking the pills back in the nineties but within the last year or so I’ve wondered what life would be like without them. I’m way better off in all respects and much stronger than I was back then, so with my doctor’s supervision I’ve been weaning off them and am now just on a tiny amount each week and will probably be off the drugs completely in a month or two. It’s generally been going pretty well, though I have my occasional bad days still. In fact, even when I was taking prozac I would have many days where I was still depressed, which is something I need to remember. Because now that I’m heading off them, whenever I have a bad day emotionally I make myself kind of crazy thinking, “Is this because I’m no longer on the Good Stuff?” I’ve got a huge talent for self torment when I’m in that mood.

It’s funny, I’ve had friends make different comments. Some have said, if you’re feeling good and the drugs work, why go off them? It’s not like it’s bad to take them, which I agree. I’m very thankful that the medication is available. Others have said, just go cold turkey and be done with it! My main desire is that I just want to see how life is without them. Plus they do have some minor side-effects like dampening my libido, and I’d rather be un-dampened if possible. And it’s just been a really really long time that I’ve been taking this stuff. I wonder about the long-term effects. Of course, if in six months I find that I just don’t function that well without anti-depressants, I think I would be open to reconsidering it if I felt I needed to. There’s obviously still stigma attached to mental illness, which is one reason I try not to hide my experiences. With my website I have a tiny bit of exposure on the internet (in a very specific niche) and I hope that maybe by being open about my own struggles with depression that it might help someone else to get help if they need it. It really sucks to be miserable and isolated.

So yesterday I presented the monthly rope bondage workshop at Threshold in North Hollywood. It went really well. The turnout was a bit small, about eight people, but everyone seemed engaged and I was feeling relaxed and completely in the zone during the presentation. I’ve been doing it now for about a year and a half and basically have about seven or eight different presentations that have developed over that time, and I’m going to be working on writing up a full schedule to post fairly soon on the Threshold website so everyone will be able to know what’s coming up next. I’m also always looking for special guest presenters, so if you’re a good rigger or know one who might like to give a demo, please let me know. You can leave a comment here or send an email from my trannies website.

The next workshop will be Sunday, September 23rd, from 4 till 6 PM in North Hollywood, CA.

Another highlight from FetishCon was the insane Reverend B. Dangerous freak show performance at the Sunday night party. He’s a crazy guy who puts scorpions in his mouth and electric drills up his nose. I love this kind of sick stuff. Here’s some pictures from the 2006 FetishCon but it was essentially the same show.