The subject of passing has been on my mind lately, and I hope that I don’t say anything here that offends anyone, which I really don’t intend. I’ll be the first to admit that I do not pass and that the standard that I hold for passing is pretty high – namely, if I’m out and I’m talking face to face to someone whom I’ve just met, what do they see? Do they see a woman, or a crossdresser, or are they not quite sure? I know from my own experience that when people talk to me they see a crossdresser, which obviously means I don’t pass. I’ve had people say things like, “Oh, at first I thought you were a real woman,” and things like that, but, yeah, when people interact with me I’m not fooling anyone. There are too many tell-tale signs – I’m six feet tall, have a low voice, big hands, wear heavy makeup to hide the beard, and have the muscles and tendons of a physically-active male. I’ve had people who have only seen my pictures online say that I most definitely pass, but pictures really don’t tell the full story – there’s no voice and no real-life 3D interaction. When I get together with other crossdressers, especially in TG support groups or get-togethers, I’ll sometimes hear, “Oh, no, honey, you pass great!” And I always think they must be on crack cocaine, but I’m nice and keep it to myself.
I’ve had other incidents – this actually happened about a year ago – where someone was trying to cheer up someone else and they turned to me and said, “Jane doesn’t think she passes. Tell her she’s wrong!” I think I must have had a deer in the headlights look, for I thought Jane’s assessment of the situation was pretty accurate.
Now I have to stress that there’s nothing wrong with not passing. Passing is way overblown in importance. As Lacey Leigh says in her book “Out and About…,” which I wrote about recently in an earlier post, it’s far more important to go out in the world with an air of self-respect and dignity, for generally people will mirror back at you whatever it is that you project. Sure, we would all love to pass brilliantly, but to be honest, I’d have to say I don’t really know any crossdressers (me included) that pass according to my criteria – talking face to face with someone we’ve just met. There are a few I can think of who come close some of the time, but I still think the question (Is she a tranny?) is going to be hanging in the air even for them. So for crossdressers, I’d say probably none of us really pass. There are always those times when it’s dark out and someone sees us at a distance getting out of our car and they might see a woman, although even that can be a pretty high hurdle to clear if someone’s really paying attention. Really though, if I’m going to pass I want to do it in face to face interactions. Nope, ain’t gonna happen.
As for transsexuals that live full-time, the discouraging thing is that there are lots of transsexuals who don’t do much better, although of course there is that small group of transsexuals who pull it off brilliantly – maybe 5 or 10 percent of them. Quite often the ones who pass effortlessly (and I know there’s nothing effortless about it at all!) transitioned when they were teenagers and some of them raise passing to an art form. It’s truly amazing, and always fills me with envy, when you meet a transsexual like this, where there’s not a hint of masculinity and where if you didn’t know otherwise, you would just think you were talking to a genetic woman – in fact the question of her being trans probably wouldn’t even cross your mind. As for living “stealth” – blending in seamlessly and keeping one’s trans identity hidden – some in the trans community criticize those TG women who do that, but if they can pull it off I say more power to them. And ironically, I’ve read other bloggers who have observed that sometimes transsexuals who pass really well aren’t necessarily that pretty, that their plainness can sometimes help them to blend in and appear like a woman whom you might walk by and not notice at Target. That’s not always the case, of course, as there are some stunning TS women who pass brilliantly but it’s an interesting observation.
Now I have a few friends who are transsexual and I hope they won’t hate me for saying all this. And I hope I don’t sound judgmental. I just know for myself that I don’t want to fall into that common trap of believing that, “Oh, yes, I pass one hundred percent.” I don’t, and I think some of the crossdressers who say that (I’ve certainly heard it more than once) are confusing looking nice with passing, or not being hassled with passing, or not drawing much attention to themselves as passing. Clearly none of those things constitute passing if the person who sees you still sees a crossdresser. Thankfully, most people aren’t going to hassle you or make a scene – and most people are generally too busy living their own lives that they really don’t care.
One thing to remember though is that those who don’t pass, and who go out and are seen – they’re the ones who will slowly make changes in society’s attitude towards crossdressers and TG people. Being out and visible in the world is what makes a difference, much like the progress that gays and lesbians have made for themselves simply by refusing to stay hidden. We still have a long way to go but tolerance will continue to increase for the various types of TG people out there.
So to wrap up this very long post – Am I just being a catty bitch for saying all this? I hope not. But like I say above, there does seem to be some self-delusion among some crossdressers and trans girls when you occasionally hear that, “Oh, I pass one hundred percent” comment. Like I say, I really would love to pass – it would be an incredible thrill! But I know my limitations. I do try to look as nice as I can, but again that’s not passing. I always say, heck, if there’s a doctor who can make me into a beautiful twenty-year old girl, I’ll sign up! I’ve certainly had thoughts of living full-time, although since a big part of my dressing is fueled by my sexual fetishism, I’m not sure that it would really be such a good idea. It would probably make it feel much more like a daily chore and much less fun, and it would certainly involve a two-hour preparation every morning to get ready and probably another hour and a half every evening for maintenance and pre-preparation for the next morning! I don’t think I could keep it up! And I really hope that as I get older I don’t reach the point that some CD’s come to, where the itch to live full-time is so strong that they can’t resist it. Some even decide to get the surgery when they’re far into middle-age, as the awareness of one’s mortality does have a way of making those things come to the fore. But to wrap this up, I think just going out and having fun and trying not to worry about passing so much really is the most sensible route to go, whether you just dress on the weekends or decide to go full-time. It really should be an enjoyable thing and not a test that leaves one feeling like a failure. Still, if you hear about that doctor, do let me know…
